Thursday, May 12, 2005

Kabbalah Wars: Attack Of The Rabbis

File under: Satscams

The rabbis Berg, with the help of their celebrity marks co-conspirators students, have made Kabbalah the number one brand of crap pap pop spirituality in the nation. With major centers in 7 states and 12 countries, the Kabbalah Centre has a lot to protect in its battle for Jewish mysticism branding superiority.

And now the attack is two-pronged. First there was the announcement of a new DVD set entitled Kabbalah Yoga. But ominously, it appears that much more powerful forces are aligning against the Bergs. Rabbi Naftali Citron, religious leader of Manhattan's Carlebach Shul, is planning a tour of his own, one in which people will be exposed to a Kabbalah other than the Bergs' brand. While Citron demurs from criticizing the Bergs directly, he insists:
For good or for bad, the reality is for most people, when they say Kabbalah, it's the Kabbalah Centre. It shouldn't be like that. Just like Hasidism doesn't belong to one group or outreach doesn't belong to one group, Kabbalah doesn't belong to one organization.
Translation: It is so on, beeyotch!

While our money was on the Bergs against Kevin Weaver, producer of Kabbalah Yoga, we're not sure they have the juice to battle him and Rabbi Citron's forces together. While Weaver's defenses against the Bergs' red string-powered evil eye energy were questionable, Citron's are undoubtedly up to the task and then some. We imagine the Bergs are on full red alert at the moment knowing that both their store of evil eye energy and their lawyers will be ineffective against their own kind. Even their trump card, the celebrities who pimp for the Bergs to the masses, may find their publicists in revolt if they go up against Citron for the Rav.

The Bergs' next move must be delicately implemented if they are to preserve their brand's dominance without alienating their market and celebrity meal tickets. We suggest a St. Valentine's Day Massacre-like operation, carried out by ex-Mossad agents promised intimate "face" time with Britney (before she gets too pregnant,) Demi (before she succumbs to complete Botox paralysis) and Madonna (before she starts looking even more like Camilla Parker-Bowles.)

By way of [Cult News]

2 Comments:

At 5/12/2005 11:32 AM, Blogger Eric said...

I don't think the Berg's have much to worry about. After all, Rabbi Citron's brand of Kabbalah is likely to involve significant learning, study, and self-discipline, and markedly few options to buy your way out of those things. (I doubt that he will teach that just owning a copy of the Zohar will begin a positive flow of energhy in your life. He'll actually suggest you read it.)

But if he starts selling genuine guitar strings "played by Rabbi Charlbach himself" then something is definitely up.

 
At 5/12/2005 12:03 PM, Blogger jody said...

Good points all. The Bergs definitely have the advantage by their offering up a convenient Kabbalah rather than a real spiritual discipline.

I doubt Rabbi Citron's Kabbalah will be showing up on the shelves of Target anytime soon.

 

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