Guruphiliac: Kabbalah Wars: Revenge Of The Rav?

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Kabbalah Wars: Revenge Of The Rav?

File under: Satscams

The big Kabbalah throw-down may be about to go down. Fitness producer Kevin Weaver has invoked the names of Madonna, Demi Moore and Ashton Kurtcher in a press release for his DVD series: Kabbalah Yoga™: Ambitious Beginners and Attainable Advanced. That's sort of like Weaver taking a walk in the Bergs' mansions and pissing on every object he encounters.

We seriously doubt Philip "The Rav" Berg and his boy are going to allow this urinating on their celebrity property to continue. We pray that Weaver has a lot more than his experience as a fitness guru to go up against the red string-fueled Zohar-power of the Bergs. Already adept at stealing children in exchange for filial love and financial support, we imagine the Rav has a few more tricks under his yarmulke. Rumor has it those over-priced red strings are actually quite a bargain. They are allegedly packed with a top-secret nanotechnology that absorbs evil-eye energy and transmits it back to a huge ball of red yarn under the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles, where it lies at the disposal of the Bergs and their agents.

Should they decide to hurl this energy at Weaver, he could suddenly find himself subject to massive feelings of extreme self-loathing over his weight, his body shape, the lines on his face, the profile of his nose, the size of his breasts, the color of his hair, the labels of his wardrobe, the car he drives, the jewelry he wears, the places he eats and the fact that he hasn't had a good role in ages. Depending on how much LA evil-eye energy they zap him with, Weaver could potentially shrivel up and die like a salted slug before he has a chance to get properly worked out, lipoed, botoxed, rhinoplastied, boob-jobbed, highlighted, shopped, pimped, blinged, dined at the right restaurant and switched to a new agent.

And if all that doesn't work, there's always the vicious lawyers kept in cages in the Centre's basement, raised on raw red meat and Kabbalah Energy Drink—all Kosher of course—straining at their leashes with lawsuits, summons and subpoenas, driven to abject insanity by the music of Madonna and Britney Spears played incessantly at high volume. They are soooo ready to "Oops, Do It Again" and "Justify Their Love" for the Rav by getting all "Toxic" on anyone bold enough to step on their beloved leader's money kibbutz.

As they say, developing...

By way of [Cult News]


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