Black Bhakti Guru Bringing It Home

File under: What Would Krishna Do?

His Holiness Bhaktivedanta Asrama Maharaja, the first black Vaisnava sannyasi, is taking it back to the Motherland. The American-born son of a Nigerian chief, Asrama Swami is on a mission to help bring about the "spiritual upliftment" of Africa. A noble goal, if not just a tiny wee bit grandiose.

But at least the Swami seems realistic about the chances of fomenting a revolution in Krishna consciousness. He says he only "teaches the “timeless” wisdom presented in India’s ancient Vedic texts, sharing knowledge of the Bhakti Yoga system, the conscious path, the self-realisation and personal transformation."

So far, so good. But then we get to this:

A regulated vegetarian diet, herbal and vibrational remedies for holistic health, eye care and “I” care, freedom from intoxication and gambling, exercising the spiritual self-discipline of sexual abstinence all contribute to the transcendence of the human spirit.

That's more like it. Now we're a witnessin' an' a testifyin' for Krishna consciousness, where the only good sex is no sex. This despite the fact that their own Lord Krishna was doing the Gopis in mass quantities pretty much every night he was in Vrindaban.

Let's do some math. The Swami says he brings wisdom, knowledge, the path, eye care, self-realization and personal transformation. He will be taking away meat, allopathy, alcohol, drugs, gambling and of course, sex. Abolish all the fun stuff and replace it with boring stuff. Needless to say, the Swami has got a great deal of work ahead of him.

But that aside, we think the Swami forgot a few things on his list. Stuff like food, freedom from intertribal warfare, freedom from government corruption, good health care, lots of AIDS drugs, and birth control with training in how and why to use it.

But we forgot. The Swami's got the birth control problem licked. He's going to get everyone to stop having sex. It's that simple! And about as likely as seeing the College of Cardinals convene at the Folsom Street Fair to choose a pope, although we bet more than a few of them would get right into the spirit of things if they did.