The "Perfect" Guru

File under: Myths About Masters

Recently gleaned from GuruRatings, one devotee's ice-cream-and-marshmallows imaginings (with just a tiny bit of piss and vinegar thrown in) about the characteristics of a "perfect guru." No, he's not kidding. Now you know exactly why this blog exists:

The Perfect Guru

1. All teachings, recording, books etc are given freely. No copyrights on any materials.

2. No contributions or gifts will be accepted. If any are submitted they will be forwarded to the following. The local Nazi party. The KKK. Or the U.S party that won the recent elections.

3. The perfect guru is celibate and never can have children to take over their mission. A woman guru will her tubes tied, a male guru will have a vasectomy or be castrated.

4. The perfect guru shall never be in a room or auto alone with only one person. I got that one from the Rev. Billy Graham.

5. The perfect guru will always be available 24 hours per day. When s/he is sleeping devotees may touch her/him.

6. The perfect guru shall bless same sex marriages as well has hetero ones.

7. The perfect guru if s/he has an ashram will fund it entirely with stock market or futures money.

8. The perfect guru will take on all the negative karma of her/his initiates.

9. The perfect guru shall have no secret teachings.

10. The perfect guru will accept all those who wish to be her or his sheep.

11. The perfect guru will tell all that s/he is the CHRIST and that the Second coming is here right now.

12. The perfect guru will specify that no religion may be created after departing.

13. The perfect guru will answer all questions that are submitted.

14. The perfect guru shall submit to testing by the scientists.

15. The perfect guru will tell in great detail about their meditation experiences and the Order of the Universe and the creation.

16. The perfect guru will either perform or assist in ABORTIONS if the woman becomes pregnant because of rape or incest or to save the life of the mother.

17. The perfect guru will have humility as demonstrated by her/his proclaiming that s/he is not different or separate from all beings.

18. The perfect guru will never correct anyone's data or opinions only drawing a longer line for explanations.

19. The perfect guru will never let anyone bow down to them or kiss her/his feet.

20. The perfect guru will bow down to all that appear and kiss their feet.

21: The perfect guru will never take anesthetic for dental work or any operation.

22. The perfect guru will take no medicines for any illness even one that is terminal like Cancer

23. The perfect guru will never cry out because of pain.

24. The perfect guru will have a complete understanding of the creation; God and the first cause and be able to communicate it.

25. The perfect guru will have periodic fasts of 40 to 180 days at least once per year. This is a demonstration that s/he is not the body and is able to live with out body sustenance.

26. The perfect guru must have siddhis (powers). Those powers may include healing the sick, curing all mental problems including schizophrenia, levitating, having all the knowledge of the universe available to him or her, wiping out negative karmas for devotees and the ability to transmit Enlightenment with a glance. And if any of the above should occur the perfect guru will deny that they had anything to do with it.

27. When it is time to depart the guru's body will become a rainbow body and return to the Infinite

We feel more than a bit sorry for this guy. He is certainly going to his grave before he meets such a person, and these ridiculous beliefs about self-realization will certainly prevent his ever coming to his own. But at least he's insisting that the "perfect guru" will accept gay marriage. It's one of the few sane things he was able to come up with on an otherwise utterly insane list.