Instant Hagiography

File under: The Siddhi of PR

You might think there are TM™ plants working at the Associated Press after reading this bit of hagiography. But fear not, kind readers. We are here to parse this starchy whitewash attempting to pass for international reporting:

THE HAGUE, Netherlands (AP) — It was 1967 and the Indian meditation guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, dressed in white with long flowing black hair and a gray beard, beamed as he stood surrounded by four smiling young Beatles at the peak of their popularity.

Right before they saw another side to the man that would cause them to flee.

George Harrison, clutching a sitar, John Lennon, Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr were on their way to a retreat in Wales led by the Maharishi, and the Hindu holy man was on his way to worldwide fame.

Soon afterward, they would write the song Sexy Sadie to commemorate the Maharishi's putting the moves on Mia Farrow.

It has been more than 50 years since the Maharishi began teaching a technique known as Transcendental Meditation. He is now believed to be 91 and on Tuesday, a close adviser said he has retreated into near silence and turned over the day-to-day running of his global network to aides.

Successfully selling sand at the beach for more than 50 years!

"He is not as young as he once was," adviser John Hagelin, an American physicist, said by telephone from the Dutch village of Vlodrop where the TM movement is now headquartered. "I think he probably has a more limited reserve of physical energy to draw upon. He was working ... 20 hours a day for years."

Sounds pretty manic to us. It explains a lot. Delusion is quite the activity driver when it's coupled with grandiosity. Believe us, we know.

Good thing Hagelin has those physics degrees. No wonder he was able to ascertain that the 91-year-old guru "is not as young as he once was."

"Anger, stress, tension, depression, sorrow, hate, fear — these things start to retreat," said Lynch, a longtime practitioner. "And for a filmmaker, having this negativity lift away is money in the bank. When you're suffering you can't create."

Many famous artists maintain their creating to be entirely the product of their suffering.

The attention his famous followers focused on the Maharishi's movement turned it into a global phenomenon with outposts in some 130 countries. For the last 17 years, he has run it from a former Franciscan monastery in a secluded forest near Vlodrop, an eastern Dutch village near the German border. He often spent hours on end speaking by video links to followers around the globe.

Babbling. Another sign of mental illness.

The Maharishi told senior aides at a Jan. 8 meeting in the Netherlands of his plan to withdraw from administrative duties and spend his time absorbed in the ancient Indian texts that underpin his movement. The announcement caught many followers off guard.

They were too busy taking in the sights on the primrose path.

"He had been involved very dynamically administratively in his worldwide movement for over 50 years, so it's quite a significant change to see him dive back purely into knowledge and let other people take care of the administration," Hagelin said.

It's too bad you never got the loon in front of a psychiatrist.

There is no one designated successor but many people have been trained for years to carry on the Maharishi's various tasks, Hagelin said.

Uh-oh! We're getting a signal in our third eye! We're seeing a dramatic power struggle in the future.

The Maharishi — a Hindi-language title for Great Seer — now spends his days in silence contemplating and preparing a commentary on the Vedas, a vast Sanskrit canon compiled some 3,500 years ago, from which he evolves solutions for today's troubled world.

This is the Associated fucking Press, people!

"I think everybody's quietly feeling some sense of celebration that he's finally going to complete his commentary on the Vedas, which probably will have a longer-term impact," Hagelin said. "It's a vitally important body of literature."

It's 99% ancient myth, for Christ's sake! 91-years-old and the guy has still got a psychotic woodie for the Vedas.

We're sure the TM™ PR-machine is jumping for joy over this abortion of critical journalism. It has the sound of something written well before its publication, like maybe it was going into the obit and ended up a retirement announcement instead. Either way, it's distressing (maybe we need to hand over $5000 to buy our own sand at the beach) to see the hagiographic process in full gear – by an international news organization – well before the grandiose guru makes it to his own grave.

Hagelin Harps On

File under: Wackadoo Gurus and The Siddhi of PR

Three-time presidential failure and leader of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi's attempt to take over the United States, the "Natural Law" Party; John Hagelin is the senile old coot's number one cheerleader and ass-bouncer. As expected, he's again giving credit to the ass-bouncers for everything right in the world at the moment:

It's the 1,200 advanced Transcendental meditators who are camping out for six hours a day in Fairfield and elsewhere, "creating coherence in national consciousness" and changing the national mood.

No, they're not. It's the product of our holy dog's ass that's doing it all.

Of course, Hagelin leaves himself plenty of wiggle room to explain all the other bad shit going down in the world today:

"Lebanon was easier to quell," Hagelin said, "because the political solutions were easy. Iraq is an entrenched mess. The mistakes that have been made will take time to unwind.

Yes, our holy dog's ass will usher in a new Golden Age, and he doesn't need any white elephant marble peace palaces full of thousands of people bouncing on their asses to do it, either. We'll put our dog's ass against all the Maharishi's asses any day of the week.

TM™'s PR Emergency Squad Rolls

File under: The Siddhi of PR

The TM™ media control center has turned on the flashing lights:

Scientists stated, “A controversial new government-funded report, which found that meditation does not improve health, is methodologically flawed, incomplete, and should be retracted.

Because only studies done on TM™ are any good:

Dr. Schneider also cited a study published in the American Medical Association’s journal Archives of Internal Medicine in 2006—one year after the AHRQ review ended in 2005—which confirmed that the Transcendental Meditation technique lowers high blood pressure in heart disease patients. The study was conducted at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles and was funded by a $1.2 million grant from the National Institutes of Health.

Dr. Schneider works for the Maharishi, which leaves little doubt about where his objectivity lies. (We call it in the toilet.)

The TM™ers seem to be in a tizzy over this refutation of their own "science," hence the attack release. We call it running scared, despite the best efforts of their wacky auteur to shore up their flagging market share in the face of their failed world takeover scheme: the Global Country for World Peace.

Bonus reading: You've got to check out the ever expanding and impressive TM-Free blog. Read about failed presidential candidate John Hagelin's claim that TM™ caused the recent upward stock trends.

Memo to John: looks like the market is currently in the crapper. Is TM™ going to take credit for that too?

David Lynch: TM™ Hustler

File under: Satscams and The Siddhi of PR

David Lynch, the famous auteur of oblique feature films, is still hooking hard for the Maharishi and TM™. He's just about the most visible rep the ass-bouncers have outside of their failed presidential candidate, John Hagelin:

And now, the low-key auteur is emerging as the most visible, even fiery, proponent of the resurgent practice, which is being used increasingly in schools and in the workplace, as well as by a new generation of stars, including Heather Graham, Laura Dern and the record executive Rick Rubin.

In July 2005, Mr. Lynch began the David Lynch Foundation, which finances Transcendental Meditation scholarships for students in middle schools and high schools to study the practice.

And we all know how that turned out, at least at Terra Linda High School in Marin, California.

But that flop hasn't stopped Lynch from flogging TM™ as the cure for all personal and social ills, provided you've got at least $2500 to learn the simple technique the Maharishi cribbed from an exceedingly common meditation practice known for centuries all over India.

Selling sand at the beach to clams and crabs. It's made the Maharishi billions. Lynch's push to do the same may be sincerely motivated, but that doesn't forgive him for participating in his guru's flimflam. But who knows? Maybe Lynch is motivated by the possibility that he will eventually succeed the mad little man once he finally pushes off this Earth.

That's just what the world needs right now, the director of Eraserhead as one of its leading lights.

More Peace = Dumb Papers

FIle under: The Siddhi of PR

Two-time presidential loser and lapsed scientist John Hagelin has been claiming credit for the Maharishi's phalanx of ass-bouncing meditators for everything good in the world. The Dow is up, the Dems are in power, and Britney Spears is divorcing the lame dude. Now, add the dumbing down of major metropolitan newspapers. That's the only possible reason for this lame excuse for reporting:

Good vibrations are humming from Maharishi University in Fairfield, Iowa, to points all over the world. Because Minneapolis is just 350 miles from the university, the good vibes have been getting here sooner than they've arrived in Washington or Baghdad.

Something must happen in transit between Fairfield and Baghdad, 'cause those "peace" vibes are obviously ending up as gnarly war vibes.

The fact that the Star Tribune of Minneapolis/St. Paul would publish something seemingly written by a junior high yearbook correspondent with a David Lynch poster on his bedroom wall makes it all too clear why newspapers are going the way of the dinosaur.

Update: Here's another piece of major American newspaper reportage that reads like a press release for the Happy-Go-Lucky-Wish-It-Well-With-Unicorns! club.

Still Totally Mad™

File under: PPCOM, The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus

Another week, another grandiose plan to rule the world gets announced by the Madharishi and his spendy minions. This time it's failed U.S. presidential candidate Dr. John Hagelin, leader of the Madharishi's Natural Law Party and ostensibly the president of the U.S. Peace Government. That's sort of like setting up a desk outside the front door of Exxon's world headquarters and calling yourself the CEO.

Their latest pipe dream is to create a $600 million dollar Maharishi University in Washington, D.C. Hegelin lays down the same old TM™ PR-speak about it for us:

We will create a new profession in the world: that of professional peacemaker. These peacemakers will be trained in powerful, scientifically proven technologies of consciousness based on the most advanced discoveries of physics, physiology and neuroscience, and on the Vedic science of consciousness. When practiced in groups, extensive published research shows these technologies markedly reduce crime, terrorism and social conflict; promote peace and social harmony; and can render a nation effectively invincible.

In other words, break out the tinfoil hats and join the party!

These announcements are stacking up faster than newspapers at a coffee shop on a Sunday: peace palaces, global governments, new monetary systems, organic farming schemes, new universities and a few dozen bozos in funny hats called rajas. Will they actually ever have anything to show for it all? We think not. We believe it's all just allowing a beloved leader to see his fantasy move forward until he finally kicks the bucket. After he dies, who knows what will happen, except to say it won't be the advent of a new world government based on "scientific" Vedic principles and the overwhelming hubris of a man who attempted to capture world history all for himself.

TM™ = Totally Mad

File under: Wackadoo Gurus and PP COM

It was only the thought that this could be satire that has kept us from employing our toaster as a bathtub heater:

On January 12th at 12 noon, in the presence of His Holiness Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the Founder of the Global Country of World Peace, His Majesty Maharaja Nader Raam, the First Ruler of the Global Country of World Peace, issued His Royal Decree Number 21 Welcoming the Year of 2006. The Issuing of Royal Decree 21 was broadcast live via the Global Netwerk of Instant Communication of the Global Country of World Peace worldwide via TV-satellites and the internet in a Global Celebration held by the Global Country of World Peace simultaneously in more than 100 countries of our dear world to welcome 2006 after having started the new year with a week of silence and deep meditation.

Here is the record of the words of Royal Decree Number 21 Welcoming the Year of 2006:

In the light of Ved, the Constitution of the Universe, Total Natural Law, the Will of God, it is my pleasure to celebrate the dawn of a new fortune for all mankind on this day of inauguration of this new year 2006.

I wish to express my satisfaction for the achievements of the last years. Let this year 2006 be known as the Year of Reconstruction of the World to be Heaven on Earth, First Year of Sat Yuga, emerging from the Vedic knowledge and enlivening all fields of education, health, agriculture, architecture, science and technology, music and arts, commerce and industry, law, justice and invincible defence.

Every Government of our world will enjoy real freedom in invincibility and the whole family of nations will breathe life in peace, happiness, harmony and invincibility. All these good fortunate results will bring appreciation and credit to all the brilliant leaders of our global activities.

What is coming to us through our programmes of the year 2006 is the fulfilment of the aspirations of the wise throughout the ages and the fulfilment of the Spiritual Regeneration Movement started 50 years ago by our Guide, His Holiness Maharshi Mahesh Yogi, and fulfilment of his one-pointed dedication to his spiritual master, His Divinity Swami Brahmananda Saraswati, the embodiment of Vedic wisdom, the light of the Constitution of the Universe, the light of Sanatan Dharma, the light of Vedic India.

Today, at this auspicious time, we are inaugurating the World Capital of Peace in the Brahmastan of India, centre of India. The distinguished Vedic Pundits of India and leading scientists of the world like Dr. John Hagelin and Dr. Volker Schanbacher, accompanied by the illustrious Rajas of the Global Country of World Peace, are inaugurating the World Capital of Peace at the Brahmastan of Ved Bhumi Bharat, the centre of India.

The Maharishi's vision of global Vedic hegemony is simple lunacy. He apparently believes he's going to ignite a new Golden Age, and he's got the rajas and rishis for the job.

This crackpot scenario, no matter how well intentioned, is a dying man's desperate stab at grandiose legacy. We can only hope that the GCfWP power structure is only going along with their senile leader's last wish as a courtesy to him, and that they will come back to earth once the Maharishi enters his mahasamadhi.