Guruphiliac: Britney Reels Toward Another Guru

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Britney Reels Toward Another Guru

File under: Gurus to the Stars

Watching Britney Spears reel between different gurus like a drunk hooker reeling between cars on her corner is quite painful for us. We believe she has something in the way of shakti that her contemporaries and competitors for Hottest Pop Ingénue on the Planet seem to lack. We feel that if she could just get on a good life track, all her earlier career success would reestablish itself.

There are a few things standing in the way... starting with her unfortunate choice in a life partner. Yehuda Berg and Deepak Chopra couldn't manage to steer her from that mistake. Lately she's turned to Hinduism for solace, and now it appears a guru of the Sikh persuasion has got his hands in her Gucci bag.

Singh Khalsa is apparently administering a "sound healing" to Britney based on "ancient kundalini yoga practices" by exposure "to sound vibrations as [she lies] on a special couch." We tried to come up with a better link for him, but it seems there's half a jillion similarly named Sikh figures on the internets.

Needless to say, Britney is need of something a lot more potent than some bunkum chakra shaking. She's got to turn around and dive right straight into her shit rather than spastically attempt to escape it. That's why we recommend a 10-day Vipassana retreat. 10 days of silent sitting will familiarize her with all kinds of defective inner patternings. A good sit with a good therapist afterward will help her new self-understanding get established. Maybe then she'll be in a better position to assess both her choice in gurus and in husbands.

We're rooting for Britney, but she's going to have to be very lucky in her search for spiritual guidance. Los Angeles is a bazaar of the bizarre as far as spiritual ideologies go, and with so many star-fucking spiritual teachers on the loose there, she could be stuck going through a hundred duds until she comes to someone who actually knows what they are talking about.


At 2/25/2006 9:11 PM, Blogger Eric said...

Unfortunately, she's probably 20 years away from being willing to listen to any guru who doesn't start off by telling her that she is the perfect incarnation of a goddess and utterly deserving of the worship and adulation she received in her adolescence.

Or that she served as a conduit for horrible demonic energies and must atone (Probably by using her tainted material wealth to support the teacher's many "charitable works.")

I just don't see a message of honest self-reflection and personal responsibility landing effectively any time soon.

It's interesting. When I started writing this, it was in a snarky frame of mind. But the more I think about the tremendous energies she was inside of, and the way she held the culture's sexual archetypes played out through her for a period of 4-5 years (during which time she was in her late teens and early 20s), I find myself feeling tremendous compassion for her.

At 2/27/2006 8:23 PM, Blogger guruphiliac said...

I find myself feeling tremendous compassion for her.

Me too. I imagine her surrounded by less than ideal wisdom. It may feel nice to be buzzed by a sound chair, but it's not going to do anything more than what you might get from a good massage.

At 2/28/2006 9:41 AM, Blogger CHUCK said...

Dye her hair and put a beard on her and she'd look just like Sri Sri.


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