Top Ten Myths About Gurus

File under: Hagiographic Circus and The Great White Botherhood

The pursuit of the truth has brought us to many strange and wonderful places, some of which were in the presence of persons considered divine because they are gurus. Around such people constellate clouds of occluding ideology about self-realization, despite the efforts of the guru, or because of them. We've compiled a list of the ten top occluding ideas people hold about their gurus or gurus in general, for your perusal:

10. Guruji knows what's best for you
While we acknowledge the possibility that a real true guru could know what's best for you, s/he'd also know it's best to let you decide for yourself. Gurus who pretend to know what's best for all their devotees are fooling themselves as much as they are their disciples.

9. Guruji can read your mind
Did you ever wonder why people seem so sanctimonious while in the presence of their guru, besides kissing ass by acting joyous or pious. They probably believe that their guru is reading their mind, and all the minds of the devotees in their presence. Or even those not in their presence. The fact is that self-realization confers no special power to read minds, despite the assertions of Patanjali and the Theosophists. There may be some gurus who seem to have a knack for coincidental occurrence, but no more than other people with the same knack.

8. Guruji doesn't feel pain
We were going to suggest cutting off a guru's arm to see if s/he feels pain, but then we realized the shock of the trauma would probably just shut off the pain response. Believe us, gurus feel pain. They may know varying levels of emotional pain as well.

7. Guruji knows all your past lives
More theosophical nonsense. Not that there aren't past lives, and not that they can't be known, but they can't be watched like a movie by a person with the right siddhi. They may see something they believe are your past lives, but it's much more likely to be something made up in their head in the moment, whether they believe it to be the truth or know that it isn't.

6. Guruji knows your future
See number 1. No special powers outside of knowing the truth of self-realization are conferred by self-realization.

5. Guruji knows everything
One of the major occluding expectations about self-realization is the idea that knowing yourself as the whole entails access to all the information in the whole. In truth, self-realization confers just one kind of special knowledge that only knows itself. There is no content there. That's why they call it emptiness. So anything your guru knows s/he knows because they heard it or read it.

4. Guruji has no desires
This is based in the most pervasive of the occluding expectations, that desire somehow prevents self-realization. Desire is merely the way the body responds to conditions. The guru may (or may not) be over sex, but when they want a Twinkie, they go get a Twinkie.

3. Guruji is the avatar
A guru proclaiming themselves to be the living avatar is like the Mission Impossible tape proclaiming it will self-destruct in ten seconds.

2. Guruji is divine
Sure, and so is every other person on the planet, regardless of their spiritual status. Knowing who you really are doesn't change who you've always been in this life. It just adds the knowledge that we are all of the same, one being. Anything else is just publicist bullshit.

1. Guruji can enlighten with a touch
You can have enlightenment in the presence of your guru, but it wasn't because s/he touched you. Transmission or shaktipat gurus merely tap into the power of mind by way of a ruse, the idea that they are God and can do such things. That ruse sometimes captures the mind of the guru just as much as that of the devotees, so they aren't all to be blamed for the subterfuge.