Amma's March—Stage 4: Invade The Media

File under: Amma-All-Over The Planet

The pace of Amma's world domination campaign has quickened once more. She's converted high-placed military personnel, controlled machines remotely, launched her own television network and even saved the U.S. from the ravages of a recent solar eclipse.

Now she appears to be taking over the news media in India. That's the only explanation for this puff piece, obviously written by an Ammabot inside the Deccan Herald in Bangalore, India. All the elements favored by Ammabots are featured:

• Feeling more and more obsessed with Amma
• Believing in miraculous events and healings
• Bragging of Amma's achievements in the world
• Getting motherly advice for any and all problems
• Being called children no matter what their age

With the advent of Amma's 2005 North American Tour comes the danger of a massive exposure to Amma's mind-corroding astral breast milk. Guruphiliac associates—shamans, tantrikas and wizards—are all working feverishly on the development of an anti-astral breast milk device or shield. We believe we may have some success with a combination of lysergic acid and ancient mantras found in a mystical box frozen deep in the Antarctic ice pack, recently unearthed by a Russian research crew. However, it must be tested in Amma's presence, and we have decided to take this burden on ourselves.

Stay tuned for further developments in Amma's march to rule the world and our efforts to prevent the wholesale conversion of the North American population into feeble-minded Ammabots.