The Scaree Devi Tour, 2005

File under: Satscams

In our years of watching gurus, none has seemed scarier than Nirmala Devi, aka Sri Mataji. It may have something to do with the stories of an often times unpleasant woman making ridiculous demands and playing God with her devotees' lives. Or it could be her creepy visage, with that smirky smile that just doesn't seem to say "compassionate mother" as much as "I've got you marked."

Actually, it's mostly because of this: her whole idea of self-realization is a scam. Her "cool breeze" phenomenon is at the most, a coincidental puff of air. But it's also a great little recruitment device. By getting new folks thinking they've experienced a miracle, they're much easier to hook up to the idea that Mataji is divine. That's the "self-realization" of her lust for power. For everyone else it's just an empty sensation, enlightenment not included.

And don't 'cha know that people are falling for it. Convinced they are on a mission from God via Mataji, these folks are trying to take over the world:

Shri Mataji has completed Her work and Sahaja Yoga centers exist in almost every country of the world. As we promised so many times to our Holy Mother it is now our work to support those countries which did not establish Sahaja Yoga as it could have been.

Oops! It sounds like some folks have been lagging, since all is not as it "could have been." We imagine they will be locked in a room with vicious pit bulls tearing up their legs—while a tape of Mataji screaming at them for breaking their promise plays at high volume.

So the stakes are high for the launch of the Realize America 2005 tour. But all Mataji really has to do is act beneficent while her minions work the room, helping everyone to feel their "self-realization." With the perception of her "divinity" assured by her little flim-flam, no hugging or acts of tireless compassion are required on this cult recruitment campaign.

But because Mataji ain't no Ammachi, she's going to have a hard time staking out more claim in the increasingly competitive satsang-junkie market. It's clear to us that Mataji doesn't have half the juice needed to contend for the title of "Supreme Devi on the Planet." She may be a "divine" harridan, but she isn't even close to being in the same league as Ammachi and her mammary glands of mighty milky power.