Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Geeks And Nerds About To Rush Raelians

File under: Wackadoo Gurus

The impending release of a video exposé shot at a Las Vegas Raelian convention is going to have sex-starved geeks in a stampede when they are exposed to the fact that hot women will have sex with them if they join. A Raelian spokesperson himself enthused, "The footage taken at the seminar is all great as far as I'm concerned."

Even when their leader was caught in stark hypocrisy:
One "gotcha" moment shows the Raelian leader riveted by the erotic gyrations of Raelian dancers. Another shows him instructing seminar attendees not to gamble while visiting Las Vegas because it's against the teachings of the Elohim -- the aliens that populated Earth through cloning, according to Raelian doctrine. Later, Vorilhon is seen betting at a casino...

"That was the cutest thing," spokesman Ali said of the alleged gambling incident. "The biggest thing we want in life is to see all humans happy. A big part of our philosophy is to play, have fun."
Can we get an "Oh Yeah!" to that?

However, those other beliefs—cloned aliens populating the Earth and Vorilhon being some kind of UFO-connected savior—pretty much render it the province of horny nutbags, the incredibly naive and now the just plain sex-starved.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

K-Fed Goes Chopra Over K-Bala

File under: Gurus to the Stars

We imagine the Kabbalah Centre's PR staff on full red alert with the news that the K-Fed is reading Deepak Chopra over Rabbi Berg. In these times of celebrity religion-mongering, you've got to hold on to what you got, or had in this case.

So now the K-Fed is on to enlightenment. We suppose it got started something like this:
Hey ya'll... what! Are you still playing X-Box! I thought I tol' you to read that damn book. What book? The Chopra book, bitch! Ain't no daddy of my baby gonna not be enlightened. Now get to reading and mediterating or whatever it is yer supposed to be doing.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Our First Stalker

File under: Deranged Devotees

A milestone has been reached:
From: Bottie108@aol.com
Subject: Attn: Jody & goons
Date: August 23, 2005 9:18:12 PM MDT
To: tips@guruphiliac.org

Why are you deleting my comments? Play fair.

http://blog110.blogspot.com
Creepy.

We'd like to note that we are no longer associated in any way, shape or form with the Kali Mandir organization. As much as we like the place and the people, we don't like the Hindu superstition and thus bowed out as a volunteer over three years ago.

We'd also like to note that Kali Mandir does not have a guru, nor will it ever, making Bottie108's attack completely unfair as well as egregiously inaccurate, when it's not entirely made up.

[Ed.note: We usually telegraph our forays into fantasy with "we believe" or "we heard", in case you didn't know.]

TM™s Supreme Leader Curses U.K.

File under: Wackadoo Gurus

The Maharishi has spoken with venom against the entire country of the United Kingdom, calling England "a scorpian nation" and withdrawing his graciously-given divine blessings:
Last week, the Maharishi... called upon his followers in Britain to stop teaching meditation and levitation, the yogic effect or flying to a higher plane.

“The good effects of transcendental meditation — increased creativity and long life — should not be given to a dangerous country that is constantly busy destroying the world,” the guru advised.
And he adds:
“TM™ is a gift from me to those who want to create peace and harmony in the world.”
And there you have it. Another psychotically grandiose guru who has fallen by his own hype and is now ensnared in the maya of being "divine." And one who is obviously beginning to lose his marbles as well.

We believe the recent failure of his "love pod" experiment may be a factor in the Maharishi's bitterness toward English folk. We heard he spent a fortune trying to recreate his time as master of the Beatles (and their groupies), but all he really got out of it was the massive bill for all the bling and tchotchkies the kids demanded to play "groupie" for him.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Attack On Amma!

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

Amma has survived an attack by a crazed devotee! Shocking us out of the Mendo fog we've been stuck in since our trip to the Green Triangle, we are glad to report that she is ok:

The assailant was overpowered by the inmates of the Ashram even as the person was just ten feet away from where the “mother’ sat at that time conducting bhajans. He had a knife.

But Pavithran denied he had intended to harm Anandamayi. He told investigators that he had only wanted to move near the Mother and have her ‘darshan’ and her ‘blessings’ through a ‘hug’
Oops! Maybe we should have performed a reverse astral milk management puja, enabling Amma to have at least a little bit of her mind-numbing secretion as a means of protection against crazies like this guy. Sorry, girl. We owe you one.

In all honesty, we are glad that Amma is ok. We may kid about her a bit more than her devotees prefer, but we too recognize that she's the real thing, despite all the abhorrent hoopla she encourages around herself.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Guruphiliac Not Dead!

File under: Vacation

We hope to have not caused any alarm by our sudden disappearance, but we're presently on vacation in the Green Triangle. Once our head clears and we make it back home, we shall resume our dissection of gurudom and continue to mine the clarity provided by the deconstruction.

Thanks for your patience.

Note: We've turned off anonymous comments as we've begun to receive comment spam. If you want to tell us how wrong we are about your guru, you'll need to register with Blogger to register your opinion with us.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Malaysian Religious Fascism Rages

File under: Back Room Gurudom

The 45 former followers of Ayah Pin who were arrested after the Malaysian government's recent pogrom cannot find any lawyers to defend them against charges of "spreading beliefs contrary to Islam and violating Islamic precepts." The lawyers are fearful of the "loss of their accreditation" and reprisals by the Muslim community, most of whom seem to have been egregiously inflamed by the whole affair.

Once again a sad truth is confirmed: religion is responsible for at least as much as suffering as it relieves. With God doing all the creating, you've got to begin to wonder a bit about "Him." But it's much easier to understand as a Kali devotee. All you need to know is that God is a crazy Bitch. That just about covers everything these days.

The False Guru Test

File under: Reference

One of our favorite posters to Sarlo's GuruRatings list shared this yesterday. While we find many more indicators of false gurus than are listed here, it's a good overview of what makes up the difference between self-important narcissists in love with their self image and those who simply see the truth and share it outside of any lust for name and fame. We especially like this advice:
Avoid any group that focuses on the "master" themselves rather than the teachings or spiritual practices. This will be a hindrance to your self-realisation for your focus will be drawn outside of yourself, and usually indicates that there is not a lot more on offer than guru worship.
The ugly specter of occlusion that is guru worship in the West exposed as a primary impediment to self-realization. Good stuff.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Sky Kingdom Falls Down

File under: Wackadoo Gurus and Backroom Gurudom

In an utterly brutal supression of the basic human right to believe as one chooses, the Malaysian government has systematically dismembered the community at Ayah Pin's Sky Kingdom compound in a horrifying display of fascistic fury. They've bulldozed the supposedly miraculous amusement park-like structures that represented the harmony of all religions, arrested nearly 50 of Pin's followers as well as his 3 wives, and scattered his remaining followers under the threat of prosecution.

While we don't purport to understand Malaysian politics, the pogrom-like nature of the action strikes us as more than a bit Nazi-like. We imagine the Bush administration can appreciate that fact that in light of what they've been doing at Guantanamo Bay.

Meanwhile, Pin is still on the lam. You'd think he'd just wave his hand and make the Malaysian government disappear. But it appears that God is playing his humanity for keeps this time... again.

Dumbass.

[By way of ReligionNewsBlog]

Monday, August 01, 2005

Sodomizing Sadhus Shock Sects

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong

Those sex-crazed holy men in India are at it again, but this time the devotees are having none of it. Facing a revolt of their cash base, the various sects to which the sadhus belong are taking action:
While the Vadtal Lakshminarayan Gadi Sansthan sect has decided to minimise interaction between sadhus and disciples at hostels, the Swaminarayan Gadi Sansthan, Maninagar, will hold meetings of priests and disciples to ‘purify’ their thoughts twice a week and do away with rooms alloted to separate priests or disciples.

The Narnarayan Gadi Sansthan sect, Kalupur, which organised a 3-day brain-storming session at Junagadh has also decided to issue new guidelines to its priests — one of which is to ban entry of boys to priests’ quarters.
Problems between priests and young boys. Where have we heard that before?