Saturday, November 29, 2008

Master Charles' Mumbai Mitzvah

FIle under:Gurubusting and The Siddhi of PR

Master Charles Cannon, recent Virgin Mary apparition scamster and former protegé of the preteen-diddling Baba Muktananada, just lost two devotees to the recent terror operation in Mumbai, India. And don't 'cha know he's been making the most of this opportunity to let the world know that these two devotees were members of the Synchronicity Foundation, on a Synchronicity Foundation-sponsored trip, doing Synchronicity Foundation business, as if any of this had any relevance at all to the fact of their deaths due to the action of the Mumbai extremists, outside of a cynical attempt to make this a public relations boon for the Synchronicity Foundation itself. Imagine if General Motors or Ford launched a public relations effort every time someone was killed in a crash in one of their vehicles. From a witness to a recent Synchronicity Foundation press conference:
The Synchronicity foundation [is] using the death of two members in Mumbai to hold press conferences all over the place pitching their spiritual leader Master Charles and their line of hi-tech meditation audio and other products. While the lady was going on about products and such, a reporter asked her how the community was feeling. She asked, "About what?" "About the death of your two members." "Oh that, we're devastated," she replied, looking thrilled at the PR opportunity. I'm surprised Synchronicity isn't having a 20% off Mumbai tragedy sale.
We'd love to be able to show you some YouTubes coverage of this particular press conference, so if anyone happens knows where we can find it, please pass along the link to tips@guruphiliac.org.

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Friday, November 28, 2008

The Big One Meets The Big One

File under: Final Samadhi

Adi Da has died. Our mentor Bruce Morgen says it best:
There is nothing so large
that it cannot be exaggerated,
no lily so perfect
that it cannot be gilded.

He emerged so suddenly,
so astonishingly gifted,
and died his own hagiographer.

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Saturday, November 22, 2008

UPDATE: Nithyananda's Lingam Isn't That Big

File under: Gurubusting and The Siddhi of PR

The Peacock Guru's devotees are out in full force now, consigning us to hell for dissing their "Master." While we have no qualms whatsoever about where we'll end up after we die, we thought it would be fair to communicate that it appears that Nithyananda isn't going to be building a 108-foot lingam underground:
There were never plans for 108 feet Shivalingam, the plan for 21 feet lingam is fast approaching and to energize the whole place navapashanam medicines for that lingam are getting ready for the lingam.
We've taken down the original post about Nithyananda's ashram near Arunachala mountain after considering the lack of verification of the claims made by the tipster. We apologize for going with the claims without making an effort to verify them ourselves.

That all said, Nithyananda is still the Peacock Guru, grooming himself to be the next Ramana as he yokes ignorance to metaphor about enlightenment, just like any other common big-time guru.

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Chi-Ting Still Galloping Along

File under: Gurubusting

Our pal Sri Sri Swami Kevinandaji is still leading the charge against the many fauxrus and their fawning fans who have set up shop around Tiruvannamalai, the Las Vegas red-light district of Vedic-based spirituality for Westerners visiting India. One of these is some dude who calls himself Gaia. That's a girl's name if ya didn't know it. But what's even more amusing is this guy's girlfriend. According to Kevinandaji:
His girlfriend is a real deal Uber bitch who wears her attitude like a 'strap on' at a dyke's orgy and that's when she's being nice! She must have been spawned from the same Alien pod that Benita and Katrina Von Sass slimed out from (they're the 2 spoilt harridans who turned John deRuiter into such a polygamous figure of fun !)
And here comes Satsang Barbie again:
I am blonde, very gorgeous and have an insatiable need to spend money on ME! ME! ME! Your place in the universe is to give sustenance to my retail therapy addiction, while I spout a few spiritual platitudes and give you 30 seconds of my precious attention. As an extra incentive I will be dressed in a shimmering sari (I do so love to be ethnic!) with translucent see through qualities, so when the light is right you lucky boys will be able to see my perfectly formed pubis and vulva... So empty your wallets NOW! You know it's worth it!
Apparently, vag-flashing is the new guru blessing around there.

Finally, hanging with Radha Ma sounds like a lot of fun for a freak:
A rich American devotee of Radha Ma has built this wondrous temple as a monument to Sado-Masochism, whips and KY jelly. Do you think if I climbed over the wall I could become a sex slave and develop a life long addiction to kinky sex and general perversion.
Ah, a true aghori after our own hearts. We can't guarantee the accuracy of any of Kevinanda's claims, but who cares? It's still fun to read and regardless, these sanctimonious frauds and posers are all due for a good piss-taking, as often as possible, and Sri Sri K-ji is just the man for the job in our book.

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Saturday, November 15, 2008

Recycling Jody: The One Where I Break The First Person Plural Habit (On Occasion)

File under: Nondualogicality

[Ed.note: I wrote these short essays on my first blog, Nondualogicality, which is the precursor to Guruphiliac. Having explored the archives a bit, (and being exhausted with the silly ignorance that is foisted by those targeted here,) I'm putting these back up in this present editorial context.]

Who is writing this?

Everything we know and do is based on the idea that we are individuals, separate people who make decisions and interact with other people in ways funny, brilliant, and terrible.

To question this is more ludicrous than making Hilter a saint or calling G.W. Bush intelligent.

It is unimaginable to think that the "person" we think we are is really only an idea, even if it's an incredibly varied, creative and complex idea.

You'd have to be crazy to think that you're not a person.

Well, I'm crazy.

This particular blog is written by no one. It comes out of this head by the agency of these hands, but the fact is--for all of us--that there is only 'this,' 'this' being what is. It can't be spoken, but we're all it, and this apparent blogger is going to blog away at that point until you either get sick of it or you get it too.

So prepare to puke or maybe learn who you really are.

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Chi-Ting Takes It Up A Notch

File under: Gurubusting

Our pal Sri Sri Kevinanda just caused us to take off the turban, put it out on the back fence, and blow it away with the Beretta:


Kevinandaji has set the bar quite high now for gurubusters with blogs. It's definitely set some wheels a' turning over here.

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Thursday, November 06, 2008

Chi-Ting Rides Again

File under: Gurubusting

We're a little late getting the news to you, but "His most righteous Holiness Sri Sri Swami Kevindanda" and his Chi-Ting Apocalypse guru gossip website are back up and hastening the fall of all that is good (for cloying big-time gurus who attempt to play-out their scams in India's capital of gurudom, Tiruvannamalai.) For any of you who doubt his qualification to comment on the state of these very "highest" of beings, regardez:
By the late 70's and early 80's Kevinanda had graduated to the new frontier of credit card fraud and rampant binges of shoplifting to feed his monstrous drug habit. Finally in 1985 Mr Plod in the form of Law and Order sentenced Kevinanda to 5 years in Pentonville jail.... After some extreme psychotic fits he was transferred to The Broadmoor secure unit for the criminally insane, where he made lifelong friends with the Kray twins and Myra Hindley who became his surrogate aunty... During a period in solitary confinement Kevinandaji had his first experience of samadhi and realised the oneness of all and metamorphosised into the all loving Apostle of Chi-ting...
We tip the turban in the direction of Tiruvannamalai and its premier gurubuster and our colleague, Sri Sri Swami Kevindanda.

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Monday, November 03, 2008

The Bored Guru's Tips Of The Trade

File under: Real True Gurus and The Siddhi of PR

We always love us some Bored Guru. His latest story is about another devotee's silly beliefs—this time it's enlightenment radar in dogs—but what caught our eye was this helpful tip for burgeoning big-time gurus at the end of the article:
Do you want to show the world that you are potentially a universal guru?

Take as many pictures possible with you posing along with cows, dogs and birds and post it on your home page of the website. Let the world know how much the animals love you for your enlightened state of living.
In the interest of empowering any burgeoning of the inner guru, we bring you all 12 (so far) of the Bored Guru's tips:
1. Allow the disciple to prattle whatever he/she wants. Listen to it with a smile and admiration on the face.

2. Sharpen your skills in the area of human psychology and brand it as 'divine power' every time you get a chance.

3. Every time a female seeker expressed her stupid love or passion for you, you will say YES. Tell her also that in the past life she could not express her love to you and now you have taken that special birth to fulfill that (without batting the eye lid).

4. Don't deny any healing powers attributed to you, accept it gracefully. Tell that it requires total surrender for total healing, so that even if the healing did not happen, you can blame it on the same person that his surrender is not complete.

5. Smile 'compassionately' and also brush aside 'gently' any aura stories weaved around you. You can also make references to your aura as to how only evolved people can see your aura and the rest may see it soon as they all are evolving.

6. Drop a word casually about how some ancient gurus are coming in your dreams and blessing you to do the same with others as a divine mission.

7. Always smile meaningfully; use often expressions like "I know, my child" if any miracles attributed to you, just shrug your shoulders and chuckle.

8. Tell people, how guru's grace can bring luck in one's life, without batting your eye lid.

9. Design your robes carefully. They should be long and flowing and even as you go to bed, make sure you are robed well. If you try out a turban and wooden sandals, you may attract lot more attention, especially at airports.

10. Project yourself as a ghost-buster with divine powers. Make sure you've learnt some ghost related mantras and shout them loudly, as you smoke out somebody's house.

11. Divide people as insider and outsider. Tell how blessed are the insiders and how unfortunate the outsider for remaining still in the outside.

12. Take as many pictures possible with you posing along with cows, dogs and birds and post it on your home page of the website. Let the world know how much the animals love you for your enlightened state of living
A billion new Sri Sri's can spring forth from these wise aphorisms, now gathered up here for your and our great enjoyment... and sad reflection on the state of ignorance that is perpetuated by big-time gurus every day.

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