Our First: The Guru Named Sue

File under: Wackadoo Gurus

True confession: New Age™ looney tunes guru Elizabeth Claire Prophet and her Church Universal and Triumphant made this blog what it is today. Briefly: we were some kind of wayward/lapsed Christian/faux-Rastafarian, Orange County, California beach mishmash until we met Sue. She was 12-years older and a former stewardess and model. Our first night together brought a whole new way of seeing and being in relationship with the Universe, one that we knew we knew all along as we got caught up in the grandiose certainty of it all. Being the blank slate we were at that time, we gobbled up the "I AM" books that form the basis of Prophet's shtick, feeling every suggested sensation in perfect harmony with their description in the book. How could it not be real!

Being hooked on the books, the experiences they were associated with, and a really hot older woman, we attended a 4th-of-July celebration called the Freedom conference at the church's stunning Camelot campus outside Malibu, California. The property was nothing short of spectacular, and the conference was surprisingly well-attended. We wandered like a puppy-dog along with Sue as she told us what it was like to be Crazy Liz's personal secretary. Then she revealed that Camelot was under psychic attack by the CIA, even going so far as to lead us to a room of people praying in shifts at 90 miles-an-hour in an effort to create a protecting vibration from all the mind-ray machines aimed at us.

It was on that somewhat discordant note that we were ushered into an indoctrination presentation for first-time visitors. There we found a guy up on a stage, ready to pour Crazy Liz's Kool-Aid down our gullets. Folks were asking questions, for which they would receive massive doses of official CUT dogma from the guy.

Someone asked about rock music, and surprisingly to us, our indoctrinator's tune was a virtually identical copy of what you'd hear in any deep red Baptist church. "It's of the Devil, because it's from the jungle. It's animal in nature and stains our cosmic glory bodies," or something like that. We'd heard it all before on Christian radio, which we'd been listening to until we met Sue. Since we already had that groove in our brain, we were ready to swallow it all, until we asked: "What about reggae music?"

Same answer. "It's from the jungle, the rhythms pollute the soul." Only classical music afforded a benefit to its listeners, all other forms of music were inferior.  How could they not be, they were mostly ethnic, and some were downright dangerous.  

For sure, because as soon as we heard that, we knew it was all bullshit. As certain as we were in our new mystical life, we were just as certain in our old one, which was enjoying the OC waves and then sitting on the beach, listening to Jamaican music while we enjoyed some of California's finest Cannabis indica.

We tried to keep it going with Sue, but without the allure of more mystical adventures to far out spiritual planes, it just wasn't worth the close-to-3-hour drive to stay in her seemingly dangerously flea-infested home. It wasn't an easy breakup, mostly because she went a bit stalker on us. Thankfully, she was finally able to realize that we weren't worth the effort, especially since we'd already taken up with our old girlfriend, who had become remarkably more compliant since seeing us hijacked for a month or so by our first real spiritual teacher, the guru named Sue.

Princess Huff-Post And The Evil Red Monk

File under: The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus

We pulled this tip about Arianna Huffington from the spam bin this morning, and just spent some time explaining to the tipster why we weren't going to post about it:

The reason I won't post about this is that nobody is claiming special divinity. These kind of closed-circuit paths (strong leader whose ideas are rarely questioned) are culty, but that doesn't mean it's all exploitation. I'm convinced they can often work, but mostly out of a placebo-like effect. A persuasive description of the human condition leads to acceptance of the spiritual guidance it's packaged with, usually nothing more than a reflection of the leader's narcissism. Yet, despite how shaky the ideas may be, they can still work marvelously for right person.

Huffington's loyalty is only evidence that she believes it works. Her attempts to cultify her org are a function of her unconscious grandiosity more than evil cult impulse. If somebody was saying they were God, and it made them special, then I'd be inclined to comment.

But then we actually read the whole thing, and got to this:

John-Roger is depicted as a paranoid leader who secretly wires each room in Insight headquarters with a microphone connected to his office, who taps the phones, and who warns that his critics "had been infected by a powerful and contagious negative force known as the Red Monk," a spirit of whom members were terrified. He removed "negative entities" in a popular "exorcism-like" ceremony known as the "Super II's," organized hours-long "Prana Awareness Trainings" involving "repeatedly answering a simple question," and organized followers into a complex hierarchy, including a Melchizedek Priesthood and an inner, elite circle of attractive young male ministers known as "the Guys."

It's not like Huffington is the first well-regarded person to fall for a wackadoo guru (if these fables of psychic warfare actually do circulate in the org,) but it is a bit of a letdown to read about it in light of her substantial contribution to the national conversation these last few years.

But come on, evil red monks and awareness drilling? It sounds like J-R has been smoking too much Star Wars.

The New Moon Rises

File under: Gurubusting, The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus

All hail the prince of America, the Reverend Hyung Jin Moon, who has risen to take his place as the new messiah, seeing as his dad just doesn't have what it takes, despite the fact millions actually believe he does – first and foremost – his loony-tunes self:

"I hope everyone helps him so that he may fulfil his duty as the successor of the True Parents," the 88-year-old founder said at an inauguration ceremony in Gapyeong, 40 kilometres (25 miles) east of Seoul, the FFWPU website said. The True Parents refer to the founder and his wife.

Yep, still crazy as an arctic loon in Tijuana.

Moon Made Full By Your Elected Officials

File under: Backroom Gurudom, The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus


A short film by a couple of journalists chronicling the Reverend Sun Myung Moon's rise to power in the U.S. by way of his control of a Washington D.C. newspaper and large contributions to the radical Christian right. It proves the maxim: if you give them money, they will grovel at your feet, despite how fucking far out of your gourd you are.

Nerve Gas Guru's Girls Get A Day In Court

File under: Gurus Doin' Time and Wackadoo Gurus

Tokyo subway gassing guru Shoko Asahara is still playing the crazy card. And now his two daughters have joined in his game:

Asahara's daughters are seeking five million yen (US$44,224) in damages from the government and the physician supervising the 52-year old former Aum Shinrikyo guru, Kyodo News agency said late Friday.

Apparently, the shock of seeing their dad diddle himself was just too much to endure gratis.

A Mess Of A Messiah

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong and Wackadoo Gurus

Crazy?:

Bent lived on a commune named Strong City in a remote corner of New Mexico with around 60 followers. He believed that the world would end on 31 October 2007, something he and his brethren anticipated with rapturous delight.

In order to prepare for this momentous event, God told Bent to gather seven virgins, one of whom was just 15. Director Ben Anthony - who gained unprecedented access to Strong City - filmed two girls happily recounting the moment when God told them to "stand naked" in front of Bent. How did this thought get into their heads? Perhaps it had something to do with the post Bent wrote which encouraged women to stand naked before Him. Bent claimed that it wasn't sexual. He did, however, admit to having sex with his son's wife. "God came down on Michael and forced him to consummate with Christiana," said the grandson of God calmly. "It was a terrible, strange act of God..."

Creepy!

TM™'s Stinky PR

File under: Gurubusting, Satscams, The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus

Observe the TM™ PR machine bend the facts to provide another glorification of their product:

The principal of an American public high school in San Francisco, California has been awarded the prestigious title 'Principal of the Year'. The award was presented following a nationwide competition encompassing principals from 30,000 schools. The winning principal attributed his success to the fact that his students and faculty practise Transcendental Meditation, with daily group meditations held during school hours. The comprehensive benefits of the Transcendental Meditation Programme for students at all levels of education have been extensively documented by scientific research.

Applauding the principal's achievement, Dr John Konhaus, Raja (Administrator) of the Global Country of World Peace in California, commented that his success would pave the way for the introduction of Consciousness-Based Education throughout California.

So, the guy who just won Principal of the Year doesn't get mentioned by name, but the asshole who thinks he's the king of California does?

As it turns out, there is a principal from San Francisco who did win this award. His name is Jim Dierke, and he's been doing some wonderful things with his middle school students, many of whom are victims of post-traumatic stress disorder because they live in the very tough Bayview district of the City. But hell if we could find any quotes from Jim attributing any of his success to TM™. Not a one.

This all kinda reeks of some serious desperation at the home office in Holland. We understand. There's just not much to hope for in TM™ after 40-plus years of a continuous failure to meet their own expectations.

Another Dumb TM™er With Too Much Money

File under: Satscams and Wackadoo Gurus

Another extremely rich idiot wants to build another monument to the Maharishi's towering sense of his own self-worth. Fools, both of them:

The idea for the tower, Abramson said, came from Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the purveyor of Transcendental Meditation who was a guru to the Beatles in the 1960s. Plans for similar towers, Abramson said, are underway in New Zealand, Germany and Canada.

It's his 10 million dollars, and it's going straight down the drain, along with all the other money the insane little old wackadoo has wasted for his devotees on his various global domination projects over the years.

Wake up, TM™ numbskulls. Your Maharishi is going down in history as nothing more than one the most grandiose gurus who has ever lived.

Maha-Dummies, Away!

File under: Wackadoo Gurus

Did anyone finally ascend and learn to live on a strictly gaseous diet? We kinda doubt it. And now, their year-plus vacation on the Pacific island of Niue has come to an end:

The group arrived on The Rock more than a year ago saying they wanted to buy Matavai Resort and build top notch spa resorts.

But they soon ran foul of locals after taking block bookings for accomodation, supposedly for conferences and meets, and failing to front.

They continued to run up more debt .... all the while staying hidden in their hotel room.

The wacky frau who leads this bag of nuts came up with close to half-a-million dollars to clear accounts and launch aloft to who knows where.

Could this be the end of the Maha-Devi Ascension Association? Not as long as their "devi" still believes she's the highest being of light on the planet.

But she's gonna have to get in line with all the other highesty nut bags out there.

Update: Sydney, Australia is where.

Niue Still Infested With Maha-Dummies

File under: Gurubusting, Satscams and Wackadoo Gurus

They still follow an insane (and allegedly wealthy) German lady, they still believe they will one day live off "light energy" instead of plain old food and water, and the Maha Devi Ascension Movement still owes the residents of the Pacific island-nation of Niue close to half a million dollars for supplies and services rendered. Now, the fatherly neighbor nation of New Zealand is telling the government of Niue to throw the bums out:

Foreign Minister Winston Peters earlier this year said that New Zealand "on several occasions made its concerns about the group's bona fides known to the Niue Government".

Mr Peters said Niue was told about the group's past activities in Samoa and warnings were stepped up in late 2006 including via discussions with Premier Young Vivian.

Mr Pihigia previously told said that passports of members of the cult had been seized and they would not be able to leave without settling the debt.

Good luck trying to squeeze 400 grand out of those travel documents.

Harry Maharishi

File under: Wackadoo Gurus

The perpetual lie that TM™ sells:

Students learn to master the laws of nature through the Transcendental Meditation and TM-Sidhis Program, including Yogic Flying.

The decrepit old coot may think he's a wizard, but anyone with half a brain knows he's been pissing into a hurricane the entire time he's been trying to get his "Age of Enlightenment" scheme off the ground.

Maharishi Slinks Back Into the U.K.

File under: The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus

You may remember a few years back when that mad old coot in Holland got even more crazy than usual and pulled his "blessings" from the whole country of the United Kingdom when they re-elected Tony Blair, making one of the most grandiose statements we've ever heard any guru make in the process:

“TM™ is a gift from me to those who want to create peace and harmony in the world.”

Well apparently, it's all good now:

The trigger for Maharishi to reopen his organisation in Britain came when he heard a review of the policies of the new Prime Minister, Mr Gordon Brown, and his Government. These included the fact that one of the first measures introduced by Mr Brown was to initiate a change of Parliamentary procedures so that the Commons has a formal say on the deployment of Armed Forces abroad, so that the Prime Minister could not unilaterally take the country to war.

Way to put the spin on the fact that TM™ needs access to as many rubes as possible, including those who elect political leaders who wouldn't pay the Maharishi any mind were he to lead the London Philharmonic in a rousing rendition of God Save The Queen in the middle of the freeway.

But as ever, that little old, shriveled up monument to irrelevance is still as grandiose as any mental hospital inmate who believes he is Napoleon:

Maharishi emphasised that he did not want it to go down in history that his Movement had fed the destroyers of the world. At that time, Maharishi was adopting countries that were more positive in order to make them invincible – totally immune to negative – through the application of his scientifically validated programme to enhance positive trends in society

Instead, he will go down in history as that greedy, grandiose and utterly ineffectual liar about the so-called effects of his facilely reconstituted "Vedic" nonsense who had a few weeks being famous when he stuck his head up the ass of the Beatles in the late sixties.

[Source: TM-Free Blog]

Master Charles Gets The Hook

File under: Satscams and Wackadoo Gurus

Perhaps we find reason to cry Bum Shiva! a little too often, because we completely missed this alternative rag's response to the Master Charles Blessed Mother Apparition scam:

Regardless of whether Master Charles is creating a forum to spread authentic spiritual beliefs or just desperately seeking donations, there's one thing for sure: the new-agey guru is getting some attention.

Even we get a bit of press at MC's expense:

More recently, Radzik branded Master Charles' enterprises as "an avalanche of superstitious fancy and mind-clogging, occluding expectations, all having as much to do with any actual spiritual truth as an episode of Debbie Does Dallas.

Oh wow. That was us? Maybe if we up our daily Bum Shiva! count we can mellow out our harsh vibes...

Locals Done With Maha Dummies

File under: Gurubusting, Satscams and Wackadoo Gurus

When we last visited Gabrielle Wilson's Maha Devi Ascension Movement, they had just moved to the South Pacific island-nation of Niue, promising to bring in some big bucks for the local economy.

As it turns out, they were actually much better at taking things:

The sorry saga of the group of Americans who ran up a $400,000 bill in Niue, may be coming to an end.

Like any invasive species, MDAM moved into a habitat that would support them and sucked up all the resources for themselves, only to move on to greener pastures somewhere else, leaving a trail of ruins in their wake.

Well, maybe not ruins, just the bill for their food and essentials:

Local businesses exposed [MDAM] for running up huge unpaid debts for food and other items.

Officials seem to have now conceded that the group has got ... or had ... the better of them.

Just like Wilson still has the better of her sadly deluded devotees.

Wherever she ends up taking them, they are always going to be in a cloud of occluding nonsense that prevents them from coming to their own enlightenment. The best thing they can do for themselves is to simply leave the nutbag to her grandiose self-regard and deadbeat ways before they get dragged down with her, permanently.

Charles Cannon: Master Of Crazy

File under: The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus

There must be a dearth of newsworthy events to report in Virginia, because for the second time in a month, another seemingly reputable news org is reporting on the wackadoo nuttiness of "Master" Charles Cannon and his "blessed Mother" as if it's a bona fide miracle:

A devout follower of meditation, Master Charles has been seeing the apparition since the age of three, but only made that public knowledge nine months ago.

"The blessed mother said to me, 'don't talk about this, don't share this a time will come when you will,'" Master Charles said.

That time was his 60th birthday. Today, he claims he is able to bring the apparition to the masses, and each month, delivers a monthly message from her to his followers.

Though she only speaks to him, those there say she is visible to believers.

"I picked up some faint gold around the face of the statue and of course some auras, the white light and auras," Sandy Beebe said.

"It's like a vibrating shadow around the statue, and it's also these tiny, tiny particles I saw. It's like snow crystals," Martin Thambert described.

Oh, the humanity of it all! You know things are headed to hell in a hand basket when seemingly reputable purveyors of current events news lower themselves to the bottom of the barrel by reporting on a matter like this.

Cannon must be offering kickbacks to local reporters to cover this nonsense. He gets more dupes, they get some cash, and the nondual truth gets to take it hard right up the backside. Greed wins as self-realization is crushed in an avalanche of superstitious fancy and mind-clogging, occluding expectations, all having as much to do with any actual spiritual truth as an episode of the Debbie Does Dallas series of fine motion picture entertainments.

The Senile Old Man Hates Hogs

File under: The Siddhi or PR and Wackadoo Gurus

The TM™ town Fairfield, Iowa, got all up in arms about a local farmer's plans to raise hogs on his own property. The land is adjacent to the town where they have an unconstitutional law requiring all food sold there to be organically-grown. The solution that local TM™er politicos came up with was to seize the poor farmer's land under eminent domain laws after the he refused to sell out to the cultists. As it turns out, the TM™ers may have bounced the gun:

[Farmer] Palm, 57, remained steadfast in his refusal to sell.

"It's everything to us," Palm said about the farm on which he grows corn and soybeans with his brothers Lou and Ron.

Ron Palm said he and his brothers have dropped the idea of a hog confinement and they said city officials jumped the gun when they threatened to use eminent domain.

"About all we had done was research into a hog confinement," Ron Palm said. He said the brothers also considered raising cattle or growing a vineyard.

We say go whole hog on those hogs, boys, just to spite them uppity, ass-bouncing losers. They'll all be gone in 10 years anyway after their loony leader the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi gives up his ghost, freeing the world of the one of the most grandiose gurus to hit the scene in the last 100 years.

Indian Xtian Tries To Be Jesus To Stay Out Of Jail

File under: Wackadoo Gurus

[Ed.note: On occasion, we get chastised in the comments for only picking on Hindu gurus. We dedicate this post to them:]

An Indian-born Pentacostal minister named Charles was trying to go all Jesus in Coimbatore, Tamil Nadu, India, by saving the decomposing body of his brother for re-animation:

Charles, a Pentacostal preacher, claimed he kept the body of his younger brother Selvakumar for the past 55 days in his house at Papanaickenpalayam here in order to "bring life" to it through 'japam' (prayer)...

Relatives broke the window of [Charles'] house and found a bad smell emanating from a room. They broke open the door and found the decomposed body of Selvakumar wrapped in a plastic sheet.

Charles is being held in the pokey until the police can determine if Selvakumar's death was a suicide, as Charles contends, or perhaps something more sinister.

If it was indeed a case of fratricide, Charles' attempt to raise his dead brother goes from wacky effort to preserve family togetherness to desperate endeavor to keep his ass out of jail, all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we suppose...

Joyu Gets Jammed Up... Again

File under: The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus

What happens when you take a bunch of loonies who once believed their mass-murdering guru was God? You get the cops raining down on your head to placate a paranoid Japanese public:

Intelligence agents swarmed the offices of the new "Ring of Light" religious group to scrutinize its activities, authorities said. The group on Wednesday announced its split from a successor to the deadly Aum Shinrikyo cult of the 1990s.

Even though new sect leader Fumihiro Joyu claims they have nothing to do with their former wackadoo brothers and sisters, the authorities are determined to nip any terrorist activities in the bud:

The raid, part of continuing surveillance of a cult designated by law as a terrorist group since the subway attack, was aimed at inspecting teaching materials and interviewing members for traces of apocalyptic teachings.

We said it before: take on a bunch who supported mass-murder, and folks are gonna think you still have murderin' on your mind, despite what you may be telling the press.

Joyu has got his work cut out for him. He may as well remove all the locks from the doors of his HQ, 'cause this ain't the last time the cops are going to bust them in.

Update: Oops! Some folks must have missed the memo and kept their Asahara pictures after the purge. That ought to be worth five or six more police raids in the next few months.

Another "Lord Of The Universe" Jackoff

File under: Gurubusting, The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus

Another day, another nutbag self-declares his supremacy over all of reality. Meet Sat Guru Maharajji, an avatard based in Nigeria making a big stink over himself:

LEADER of One Love Family, Ibadan, Oyo State Sat Guru Maharajji has called on Nigerians to jettison various religions and religious teachings that tend to project one race as superior to the other.

The self-acclaimed Lord of the universe stated this recently in Ibadan during a press briefing to mark the 20th anniversary of the Sat Guru Maharajji village and its importance to the world.

Sat Guru Maharajji, who described Ibadan, the location of the Sat Guru Maharajji village as the highest spiritual centre of the Universe added that it has placed Nigeria as the new destination for the new world.

He said "Here is where you meet the Lord of the universe Sat Guru Maharajji face to face physically, and have 13 years added to your life span, plus the highest gift of life (divine knowledge), the key or panacea to all human problems free of charge."

Of course, he pumps his own place up at the expense of all others:

Enjoining Nigerians not to travel to other parts of the world in fulfillment of religious obligations, Sat Guru maintained that such places outside Nigeria were products of years of manipulation. "There is absolutely no need to travel to any so called holy lands in the middle East, Europe, USA, far East etc because they are hybrid plastic monuments faked up through the ages by our oyibo brothers to create division between the human race, through scandalising the blacks," he said.

Nice little racist touch there, Maharaj!

Apparently, empty promises and the ability to lie right through your teeth is all that is required of Lords of the Universe these days. Too bad the line of these losers is like a mile long at this point.

This is "Enlightened Living?"

File under: Wackadoo Gurus

A reader sent a link that has left us speechless:

Re-united for the first time ever since the end days of Atlantis to be of service to mankind during this crucial time in our collective history. Wisdom Teacher Sri Ram Kaa and Angelic Oracle Kira Raa know that each being is Sprit [sic], Eternal, Omniscient and Whole. They are co-creators with your awakening; familiar old friends, guides along YOUR perfect path. Come back to who you are! Free the illusion of pain, fear, doubt, anger, guilt and shame. It is time to Embrace your Freedom.

The re-unification of Wisdom Teacher Sri Ram Kaa and Angelic Oracle Kira Raa resulted in an expansion of energy and consciousness creating a direct connection with the Angelic Realms. As Divine Oracles, (99% accurate), they offer the Prophecy of the “Atlantean Promise” and have brought back to the planet the activation of mastery through the “Codes of Self-Ascension”. Gifted with the energies to offer Fifth Dimensional Activations, (and beyond), directly from the Archangels, they prepare others to expand their energy for their own unique path. The Loving initiations, “Star Activations”, and the lessons of the “Codes of Self-Ascension”, bring forth your soul’s true purpose.

But not so speechless as to make us forget to whip out our tinfoil hat!

The real tragedy here isn't that nincompoops like "Sri Ram Kaa" and "Angelic Oracle Kira Raa" exist, it's that the world is full of numbskulls capable of believing in this pabulum composed of the infantile projection of their ridiculous beliefs. Our work will never be done, and with this 2012 "remember how well the Harmonic Convergence went" nonsense headed our way, the craposphere this bullshit comes from is only going to grow thicker and stinkier.