Ammachi Gets Into The Apocalypse Biz

File under: Gurubusting and The Siddhi of PR

She's in Northern California right now, flooding the pool of Bay Area satsang junkies with her magical, infantilizing astral milk product. And apparently, according to one devotee, she's gone into the end-of-the-world, apocalypse prediction business:

[A] devotee came up to a group of long time devotees and reported that Amma had told a group of devotees in Seattle a few days before that... well here goes:

2010 - 2011 prediction... mass starvation and environmental destruction. World War III would be better, and, no child under the age of 5 would reach child bearing age. This was disturbing to me to say the least. I felt sad about it and asked for clarity. [The devotee] said the same thing over again. I asked if [Amma] said we could do anything about it. He said become a vegatarian and do spiritual practices, that we need to work fast for realization before it's too late. I thought it must be a trick to get lazy meditators motivated.

The suprising thing is [the devotee] has a child about that age and did not seem concerned, rather that he seemed excited to know what was happening next. It seems that this devotee has really acheived a level of detatcment that Amma herself would envy. I am in the prosess of confirming these statements. So far [the] L.A. satsang has denied it. All they said she said was there would be hard times ahead or something to that effect...

One last thing. I know for a fact that the MA center ashram has purcased a whopping $10,000 worth of rice to be stored for disaster. Ok, that's harmless except for the fact that hoarding food is one of the reasons for skyroceting food prices around the world, which is part of the reason for the predicted mass starvation.

Ammabots apparently believe she also predicted the Indian Ocean tsunami of 2004, although she was off by a year or so.

While these sort of vague predictions of disaster are often a big-time guru's stock in trade, we are disappointed to see Ammachi stooping to the same level as the rest of them. We might find her milk distribution plot to infantilize the world to be a disaster of monstrous magnitude, but we were trying to hold on to the assertion that she is the best of the big-time gurus. But with nonsense like this swirling around at her satsangs, Swami Ramdev is beginning to look better and better as the recipient of the weak endorsement we've been giving to Ammachi the last few years.

Amma In Chicago, Jnana Takes A Hit

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

The heavyweight champeen of all the world's satsang devis is in Chicago this week, giving hugs while she gossips about the mlecchas in Malayalam. Ammachi is in the middle of her annual North American summer tour and still spreading ignorance about Self-realization wherever she goes. For instance:

It is pretty amazing that someone could be that present for thousands of people. So I think if there is such a thing as a realized being, it would be somebody like Amma...

Thus, another devotee leaves with a completely fantastical yet effectively occluding idea about what Self-realization is and what that entails for a life. Amma may as well be stuffing her devotees' heads full of rotten paneer when they get their hugs, because that's about all they're worth in terms of an understanding about Self-realization.

Fortunately, it appears that astral milk-saturation has been achieved in the U.S. Between the milk-poisoned masses getting hugs and the deeksha-deluded masses receiving "grace", just about all the gullible bliss-bunnies are being covered now. We'll let you know if and when we detect a new threat to self-knowledge when it comes crawling across the culturescape.

Amma Goes Low-Key For 52

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

Surprisingly enough, Ammachi is going low-key this year for her 52nd birthday. This is in stark contrast to the excessive grandiosity on display at her 50th birthday, which has it own website and pulled about 100,000 people a day for the 3-day bash.

We weren't sure why Amma was scaling back so much, so we put the question to the Gal upstairs. She told us that She is sick and tired of Amma constantly trying to upstage Her, so She put a permanent governor on Amma's astral milk supply. The restricted flow is only sufficient to pull a couple thousand at best. Amma is on probation until Kali begins to receive the credit for the miracles Amma and her swamis have been attributing to Amma instead.

It would be a welcome improvement to hear her organization talking about God without invoking Amma's name every single time. Maybe her reduced milk quota will help Amma to catch a clue and persuade her to pay more than lip service to her own Creator and the whole reason she got into the guru business in the first place.

Amma's March—Stage 4: Invade The Media

File under: Amma-All-Over The Planet

The pace of Amma's world domination campaign has quickened once more. She's converted high-placed military personnel, controlled machines remotely, launched her own television network and even saved the U.S. from the ravages of a recent solar eclipse.

Now she appears to be taking over the news media in India. That's the only explanation for this puff piece, obviously written by an Ammabot inside the Deccan Herald in Bangalore, India. All the elements favored by Ammabots are featured:

• Feeling more and more obsessed with Amma
• Believing in miraculous events and healings
• Bragging of Amma's achievements in the world
• Getting motherly advice for any and all problems
• Being called children no matter what their age

With the advent of Amma's 2005 North American Tour comes the danger of a massive exposure to Amma's mind-corroding astral breast milk. Guruphiliac associates—shamans, tantrikas and wizards—are all working feverishly on the development of an anti-astral breast milk device or shield. We believe we may have some success with a combination of lysergic acid and ancient mantras found in a mystical box frozen deep in the Antarctic ice pack, recently unearthed by a Russian research crew. However, it must be tested in Amma's presence, and we have decided to take this burden on ourselves.

Stay tuned for further developments in Amma's march to rule the world and our efforts to prevent the wholesale conversion of the North American population into feeble-minded Ammabots.

Here She Comes: The Big Mamma

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

Astral milk junkies are rejoicing all over the States in anticipation of their big-time space mommy's visit, where all their infantile spiritual needs will be met at that traveling circus of occluding bullshit about self-realization known as an Ammachi satsang.

Arrive a broken being beat down by the troubles of life, leave with an internally projected sense of peace and happiness and a head full of superstitious nonsense about your own nondual truth.

Gee! Thanks, Mamma Amma, for extending everyone's delusion for another whole year. You may not be doing a damn thing for anyone's self-realization, but you sure know how to keep 'em coming back for yet another empty hug.

Coming This Summer: Clash Of The Living Devis

File under: Amma-All-Over-The-Planet

There are two monster mothers headed to North America this summer. Will the landmass be able to withstand the weight of two incarnations of the Divine Mommy between its shores?

Mother Meera is going to be in the country from August 16 - September 4. She's currently slated to visit Los Angeles, Denver, Chicago, Raleigh/Durham and New York City. We found an interesting darshan review to help you decide whether to make a pilgramage:

Mother gives darshan in silence. One kneels in front of her (pranam) at which time she helps the soul, then looks into her eyes (darshan) which helps the personal life. Neither my friend nor I saw or felt anything unusual after attending seven darshans, nor did we notice any effects in the following weeks or months (as some devotees suggested we would). Perhaps we are spiritually dense.

Hey! Us too!

Probably most famous in the U.S. for rejecting devotee Andrew Harvey when he came out to her as gay, we don't think Meera will get much traction outside of the hardcore satsang junkies. But she may be able to pull some crowds in the cities she's visiting.

But regardless of the crowds she pulls in the places she goes, Meera just can't hold a candle to that Grand Dame of Guruessness, the woman who claims everyone in the world as her own child, the gives-tsunamis-the-beatdown hugging champeen of all time: MATA AMRITANANDAMAYI!!!

She's already warming up in her native land in preparation for her 2006 North American Tour, June 1 - July 26. A good deal longer than Meera–and perhaps fortunately for the entire population of North America–not at the same time.

We have to admit to warming to Amma after a year's worth of dealing with the likes of Sri Sri, the Babaster and especially the Kracki. While we still expect her satsangs to be an orgy of fantasy Devi projection... and a storm of occluding expectations about self-realization (all encouraged by her own organization), we found it extremely heartening to find this statement on Amma's home page:

Within you, there is a wellspring of love. Tap that source in the right way and the shakthi (energy) of divine love will fill your heart, expanding endlessly within you.

We like it, Amma. Put it all on the devotees... where it belongs, the real source of any power you have... [Ed.note: We've obviously come under the influence of Amma's mind-controlling astral milk. We will return after a thorough decontamination.]

Attack On Amma!

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

Amma has survived an attack by a crazed devotee! Shocking us out of the Mendo fog we've been stuck in since our trip to the Green Triangle, we are glad to report that she is ok:

The assailant was overpowered by the inmates of the Ashram even as the person was just ten feet away from where the “mother’ sat at that time conducting bhajans. He had a knife.

But Pavithran denied he had intended to harm Anandamayi. He told investigators that he had only wanted to move near the Mother and have her ‘darshan’ and her ‘blessings’ through a ‘hug’

Oops! Maybe we should have performed a reverse astral milk management puja, enabling Amma to have at least a little bit of her mind-numbing secretion as a means of protection against crazies like this guy. Sorry, girl. We owe you one.

In all honesty, we are glad that Amma is ok. We may kid about her a bit more than her devotees prefer, but we too recognize that she's the real thing, despite all the abhorrent hoopla she encourages around herself.

Amma's Invasion—Stage Five: The Movie

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

We were not surprised to find the Cannes Film Festival to be the next launching point for another stage of Amma's march toward complete global domination. Darshan - The Embrace is a documentary extracted from the astral milk-soaked brain of filmmaker Jan Kounen. Kounen began his film during Amma's 50th birthday celebration—and obviously flipped from exposure to the mind-destroying properties of her ABM—he continued to film Amma and her mother-mongering Ammabots as they seek to turn the entire population of the planet into infantile members of her 'family.'

We're always impressed by the thoroughness of the Ammabots. They are spreading out into the mediasphere like lice at a refuge camp. The crescendo is building for the final push of the North American Tour, where Amma is expected to turn the corner and capture the minds of millions more.

Guruphiliac associates attempting to counter Amma's attack have been unable to recover the mystical box of ancient mantras found in the Antarctic ice pack. It seems one of the Russian research crew who had recovered the box was already Ammaified and managed to jump overboard with the box in hand. Both have been lost at the bottom of an ocean canyon, and all deep sea exploration vehicles are presently unavailable for a salvage operation. All we have to work with now is our wits, the lysergic acid and whatever mantras we can develop on our own.

With just weeks to go before she makes her landing, it's not looking good for adults wishing to preserve their status as all grown up in the U.S. In a related development, it appears that sales of pacifiers have risen 38% over the last two weeks. The beginning of the summer rave season only accounts for 3% of the increase, so this is probably another harbinger of the impending loss of all adult maturity in North America with Amma's arrival.

Amma Asks For Cash To Save US From Eclipse

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars and Amma All Over The Planet

On April 14th, executive Ammabots will be performing three special pujas. And it's a damn good thing too:

The Navagraha Homa offered on April 14th has a special significance to America as a nation. The solar eclipse is visible over the United States and this homa will help reduce the negative effect over the United States.

You get all three pujas performed in yours or a loved one's name for the low price of $600.00. Just think, you can help Amma save America from the impending ravages of the solar eclipse! Coming soon: Amma's Solar Eclipse Relief Effort™.

Ammabots have no need to worry. They will be directed by the astral milk-fed ganglia growing in their brains to make deposits in the full amount to Amma's bank accounts at staggered intervals. Amma and her swamis know better than to overload the banking system with the rush of their mind-benumbed minions parting with their money.

Satsang With Ammachi—Part II, Mommy Speaks

File under: Satsang Reports and Amma All-Over-The-Planet

When Amma begins to speak, it’s in her native tongue. She goes on for about 10 minutes. We watch as people who don’t understand a single thing she is saying listen in rapture. When she stops, an Indian swami picks up with a “translation.” This goes for 3 rounds, Amma occasionally interrupting her swami with a clarification.

It starts out very psychological. The number one cause of our problems? Stress and tension. 80% of all disease is caused by tension. Tension is what makes you miserable. The solution? Unburden yourself in Amma.

This is brilliant psych ops and the primary reason people get something from an Amma hug. They believe they’ll get something, so they get something. It’s just like Benny Hinn. This isn’t to say there isn’t something good that comes out of a cathartic release of pain and sorrow. But it’s not by way of Amma’s magic shakti, it’s by way of the expectations of the devotee, conveniently set up by the swami just a moment ago. The "magic" is all in the suggestion.

What follows is essentially Hinduism Lite. Meditation will reduce your tension, but you need to make an effort to be successful. In other words, keep coming to us for instruction. He throws in an all-is-God’s-will and explains that grace completes effort, and that humility brings grace. Humility to the guru, of course.

Amma speaks a second time. The swami continues with a light critique of the modern world. Science is incomplete. We need spirituality in the world. Mental illness is caused by the lack of spirituality, neuro-psychology be damned.

He throws in a few digs at the world being the source of distraction from spirituality, and then the hard guru sell commences. It’s no different than any other hard guru sell we’ve heard. You can’t do it without the grace of a guru. The perfect master is necessary. The sat guru is like a booster rocket, etc.

The swami then insists that a true master makes us childlike, and that we must become children to come to spiritual understanding. Her children… We brace for the blast of astral breast milk we expect to pummel us any moment, but it doesn’t come! Kali has cut her off. We have saved North America from the loss of all adult maturity! Cool.

Amma speaks again. The swami rolls with a variation of the mind-body-spirit thing. This time it’s head, heart and hand. He continues by speaking about heart-to-heart communication. Thus begins the hippie portion of tonight’s talk. It’s all about love! People complain about their lives. What’s the problem? Not enough love. Got emotional problems? You can cure it with love! And guess what? Amma is love!

And then he says it. We didn’t get to write it down verbatim because we were utterly flabbergasted to hear it out loud. Amma’s love is just like milk! They’re completely out in the open with the conspiracy! The Ammabots just beam back at them, entirely oblivious to the machinations of their leaders!

A harmonium fires up, signaling the end of the talk. As we pull ourselves together after this jaw-dropping display of mind control prowess, we realize that Amma has omitted a huge portion of basic Indian religious hyperbole, that of the necessity of renunciation and asceticism on the spiritual path. This makes excellent marketing sense. We’re sure it comes a few lessons in if you decide to pursue your path at their center. But it’s way too off putting to tell first timers that they have to stop having sex if they aren’t married, and if they are, that they should only fuck for procreative purposes.

Next: Amma sings.

Amma's Mind-Control TV Network Up And Running

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

Another milestone has been reached in Ammachi's steady march toward absolute global domination. Ammabots everywhere are rejoicing over the April 14th launch of Amrita TV, Ammachi's very own television network in India.

To recap: Stage One of Amma's global domination scheme was to strategically convert well-placed military personnel into Ammabots. Stage Two was a demonstration of Amma's remote-control over machinery in India. Now with Stage Three activiated, Ammachi can nourish the minds of the Ammabots in India [Ed.note: And soon everywhere else.] with her ideological replenishment service: AmmaThink™.

Fortunately, only minds already weakened by exposure to Ammachi's astral breast milk and the resulting infection of Amma-controlled brain cells are permeable to the ideas contained in AmmaThink™. Comprised mostly of Hindu superstition, coupled to a Victorian-era sexual morality and anything which can be interpreted to possibly indicate Amma's divinity—Ammathink™ is patently ridiculous to anyone with half a brain not already infected.

But if already infected, the mind of an Ammabot cannot get enough of Ammathink™. The desire to absorb it has been genetically programmed into the DNA of the milk-fed ganglia pulsing in their brains. Thus the success of Amrita TV is assured with this built-in market of breast-fed, mind-benumbed and critical thinking-hobbled automatons willing to take whatever pabulum their Mommy stuffs into their enfeebled minds.

Ammabotics On The Move

File under: Amma-All-Over The Planet

Not content to just control the minds of her devotees with the intellectually corrosive qualities of her astral breast milk, Amma and her Ammabots have successfully taken over the control of a new transportation system in Goa, India.

This marks yet another milestone in Ammachi's plan for complete global domination. Having already mastered the art of turning thinking humans into mindless automatons, she now moves forward by turning mindless machines into instruments of her will. We predict that soon all machines in India will only function under her command. Seeing as tech-support for all the world's computer systems is now based in India (and not by coincidence mind you,) it's just a very small step for her to gain the control of every machine on the entire planet.

So if your car suddenly starts making a beeline for San Ramon, California; Santa Fe, New Mexico; or Ann Arbor, Michigan, don't say we didn't warn you.

Colonel Ammabot

File under: Amma All-Over-the-Planet

As her (or her swamis') plan for global domination shifts into high gear, another "born-again" American Hindu is minted from the refuse of a Christianity failure. Former U.S. Air Force colonel Kirby Knox has been hugged into the oblivion of becoming one of the "hugging" saint's Ammabots. We hear he's taken a vow to eschew food and water in order to receive his sustenance exclusively from Ammachi's astral breasts, the milk to be fed directly into what's been permitted by her to remain of his brain.