Breathe Your Brain To Enlightenment (But Leave The Questions At Home)

File under: Satscams

There's a new Korean-based spiritual movement sliding stateside. The last one involved wayward hippies being love-bombed into submission and then married en masse. This time it's called Dahn, the brainchild of Seung Heun Lee. At least he had the sense to name it after something other than himself, although he does have his own day named after him.

Lee's Brain Respiration is yet another variation on the prana/chi/ki theme. Of course there are the obligatory claims of scientific validity and paranormal ability making. And it appears that there is a whole cadre of folk called the Healing Society who know just what's best for us and want us to join them.

They also know what's best for us not to know. Apparently inquiry and skepticism are not featured at Dahn, nor are black folk, rural folk and the homeless. "They're not ready for enlightenment."

We believe Lee is making a huge mistake. Black and rural folk can have just as much money as white city folk.

Egyptian Guru Busted For Being God

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

Ahmed Ibrahim Abu Shousha, the leader of an obscure Egyptian sect of some kind, has been sentenced to jail for 3 years and 3 months for claiming to be God, or 3 months and an $860 brib--err, we mean fine.

Apparently, any religious protestation outside of Islam is forbidden by law in Egypt. We suppose this means we won't be able to go over there to preach the religion of sex and drug--err, we mean union and sacrament.

Virgin Mary Orders Hit On Devotee?

File under: Satscams

San Antonio, Texas, TV station WOAI is gurubusting again on Juan Pablo Delgado, leader of a Virgin Mary cult in Costa Rica that is also a haven for pedophile ex-priests. Claiming to have visions of the Virgin Mary and photographed with what looks like stigmata, Juan seems to have discovered that both are very useful when fleecing devout, yet none-too-bright Catholic folk.

The snitching ex-devotee fears for her life as she's heard the Virgin herself has ordered the hit. Mary is believed to be sending St. John Gotti and St. Al Capone to perform the whacking. The FBI has the ex-devotee under witness protection, but has also gone ahead and called in Jesus to negotiate the standoff with his mother. She is expected to appear on a taco within 48 hours with her demands.

Bits Of Dead Gurus Attract Millions

File under: Hagiographic Circus

A collection of relics such as the teeth and blood of long dead Buddhist masters is currently making its way around Malaysia. It's the Heart Shrine Relic Tour, complete with retreat and the ideological stylings of Lama Zopa.

We live by the rule: if you aren't hurting yourself or others, do whatever you want. That includes going to see bits of teeth, bone and dried blood, and believe that one may soak up the 'holiness' that supposedly emanates from them.

Any 'spirituality' that seems to happen there has its root in the devotee's belief in the holiness. The objects are not holy on their own. Their holiness depends on a devotee's attention and intention. In fact, a devotee's intention is the holiness itself.

It's the same mechanism that drives a bigtime guru's satsang. When people think they are in the presence of God, they go kind of bonkers over it. It's that going bonkers which results in the experiences people give themselves in front of an Ammachi or Sai Baba. It's just like Benny Hinn sans the Jesus-mongering.

It's not our aim to trash the spiritual experiences of millions. Ok, maybe it is. But just to point out that holiness is an idea that is projected from within. The holiness is in the fact of the projection, not in the facts of an object's circumstances. Whether it be a tooth of Kasyapa Buddha's, or a hug from a seemingly sweet and tireless Indian woman (who just happens to be corroding the minds of millions with her astral boobie juice.)

Jeweler Guru Meditates To Riches

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Michael Hill is a celebrity jeweler and business guru in New Zealand who credits mantra meditation for all his success. As the Zales of Australia and New Zealand, Hill has amassed a mountain of money. So much that he plans to build his own golf course on one of his giant properties.

While we applaud Michael's winning ways, his meditation pitch sounds suspiciously like those out of Fairfield, Iowa. That is, until we read this:

He says he has three principles in life: one, meditate; two, exercise at least four times a week; three, get blood tests every two years and "tweak" anything that may crop up with a dose of vitamins.

Ok, now we get it. "Tweaking" and "vitamins." Having "tweaked"
on "vitamins" ourselves, we think we can now see how Michael gets "busy."

Indian Biz Column Blasts Sai Baba

File under: Satscams

A guest column running in the business section of Indian news site rediff.com has blasted Sathya Sai Baba as a charlatan, fraud and criminal. No names are mentioned, but we get the picture:

Many phonies and cheats have ridden the bhakti wave to fool God-wary Indians. Some have gobbled millions of rupees in 'donations.' Under the pretext of running charitable trusts, these phonies not only earn a healthy profit by selling their 'holy' paraphernalia but also are attractive avenues for people to wash hands off their black-money. Although many such cheats have been stripped of their 'holy' masks, the business is very much alive and kicking.

Yo! Way to call it on the Baba! But we're a bit concerned about the rose petal treatment given to Ammachi and Sri Sri. We will continue to monitor the situation for signs of Ammabot infiltration and/or failure to remember genocide.

Pirate Guru Hoists Jolly Roger Over New Satsang

File under: Gurus Doin' Time and Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Kirtanananda Swami Bhaktipada, aka Keith Ham, has launched the Interfaith League of Devotees in Peekskill, New York after being released from prison last June. Convicted of scamming millions of dollars, much of which was garnered by copyright theft, Bhaktipada was also up on murder and conspiracy charges but got bailed out by that little blue boy in the sky.

With his signature eye patch and wild man ways, we see a great opportunity for the Swami as the first true pirate guru. He's got the rep (convicted bootlegger) as well as most of the look. Add a tricorn hat, squawking parrot and an appearance in an MPAA- or RIAA-sponsored anti-piracy commercial and he'll own that brand. He'll be the Kleenex of pirate gurus!

Don't ask us how, but we already know what his mantra will be: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!

Comediguru Blesses With Laughs And A Message

File under: Gurutainment

While we've yet to catch his act, Arj Barker sounds like our kind of guru. Because doesn't mirth make the truth that much more fun? We think so. Those watching his performance have been known to cough themselves silly as well.

It looks like Swami Beyondananda has got some good competition now, but it will probably take Arj a while to catch up to that website.

Goode Ideas About Gurus

File under: Real True Gurus

We are blessed to know Dr. Greg Goode as a friend, mentor and confidant. During the years we were formulating our critique of gurudom and up until now, Greg's patience, knowledge and intelligence have never failed to blow us away. We hear he's quite the badass on a track bike as well.

Greg has directly encountered a number of gurus as a satsang host, and his 'backstage' perspective has informed our own. He has observed frail humanity masquerading as God, and he has concluded that the era of the divine guru is over. Make way for the Age of the Friend.

Guru Mickey Still Getting Some

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars and Gurus To The Stars

The last time we encountered Guru Mickey Mehta, he was attending to the needs of beauty pageant contestants and we wondered which, and whose 'needs' those were. This time we find Mickey signing up to appear on a popular Indian soap drama, Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahin. In it Mickey plays a guru who transforms the character Jassi with one of his totally holistic makeover and workout programs. Not much of a stretch for Mickey, but brilliant product placement nonetheless!

Mickey's appearance on prime-time Indian television as a character much like himself is sure to boost his earnings and marketability. We wonder how this bodes for Sri Sri Ravi Shankar's position in the pecking order of gurus in the Indian media. We've provided a handy comparison chart to help you make the call:

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar	Guru Mickey Mehta	Decision
Nobel Prize nominee	Beauty contest consultant	Tie
Spoke to the UN	On Indian television	Mickey
Ducks direct questions	Refers to groups of women as "batches"	Sri Sri
Protects genocidal racists	Pumps up beauty queens	Way Mickey
Advantage:	Guru Mickey Mehta

Sri Sri Skates Again

File under: Back Room Gurudom

Nobel Peace Prize-nominated Sri Sri Ravi Shankar has dazzled us with his political skills once again by skating around a loaded question at an Asian business conference. When asked about his views of Narendra Modi, the chief minister of the Indian state of Gujarat, home to violent anti-Muslim riots which Modi implicitly supported, and who was recently denied a visa to enter the US for his involvement in those riots; Sri Sri replied, "I don't comment on individuals because individuals are just part of one wholeness."

Way to skate, Sri Sri! Nominated as an individual for the Nobel Peace Prize, he doesn't comment on other individuals, even when that individual (Modi) has seemingly fomented anti-Muslim terror under his political leadership, or at the very least has been caught looking the other way when horrific violence was being done to people in his territory.

This has definitely put Sri Sri at the front of the pack for the Most Hypocritical Guru of the Year Award by having his cake and eating it too. That is, nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize while he supports genocidal politicians. Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush could definitely take a few pointers from this guy. We believe he'd be awesome as the guru of the Republican Party if it wasn't already infested with obnoxious fundie Christians.

When Bhakti Breaks: Ex-Devotee Websites

File under: Reference Library

Ex-devotee groups were among the first to use the net effectively as a means to drop their message into the global mind. The gurus they were dropping dime on soon followed with their own websites, and the battles have raged ever since.

• www.leavingsiddhayoga.net
Ah, Gurumayi! She is certainly a rare flower: the hot guru. But sometimes folks decide she's not for them and they want to leave. Then the poop hits the fan. That's common when people think their guru is God. Why would a rational person leave God?

• www.chinmoycult.com
Sri Chinmoy is the macho-man guru, often quoted bragging about his athletic feats. He apparently exercised his love muscle on a number of his female devotees, among other alleged abuses.

• www.sahaja-yoga.org
This lady has always frightened us. If the site is to be believed, Nirmala Devi is a classic example of borderline personality disorder. She claims that her simple meditation technique results in instant self-realization. Classic satscamming as well.

• www.kashiashram.com
Ma Jaya is another iron-fisted lady according to her ex-devotees. We hear she arranged a beat down on Bhagavan Das, so we're inclined to believe them.

• www.ex-premie.org
We remember seeing flyers for this guy when he was a 14-year old guru. He's been doing it since he was eight, so Prem Rawat has had a long time to collect ex-devotees and be accused of the usual: sex, coercion and a lavish lifestyle.

• www.saiguru.net & www.exbaba.com
Sathya Sai Baba is now more famous for being a pedophile than he is as an avatar. There's even been a BBC expose, yet he still rakes in millions with a few simple parlor tricks and the overly-wishful thinking of his devotees. Having his hands in the pockets of the Indian government hasn't hurt either.

• www.yoganandarediscovered.com & www.anandaanswers.com
versus
• www.anandauncovered.com & www.anandainfo.com
These dueling, double hatchet-jobs are the result of a struggle that had its genesis in Daya Mata's successful 1962 coup at the SRF, when she took control and ejected Swami Kriyananda. He founded and now runs Ananda as Donald Walters. They've been playing arch-nemesis for one another ever since.

• www.saibaba-aclearview.com
And then there's this curiosity. This site belongs to a Sathya Sai Baba devotee who believes the stories of sexual abuse, and yet still regards his guru as an avatar. We find this approach refreshingly modern. It reflects a truth that we've come to recognize ourselves. Gurus are always, first and foremost, people. They don't always do the right thing, but they may still know the real truth.

Guru Uses Jackson Despair For His Own PR

File under: Satscams

It is being reported in the British music news that guru Deoki Nandan Shastri called Michael Jackson to offer advice, and that the one with the (allegedly) wandering glove actually called him back.

Shastri then went and told US tabloid The Globe, and now we know about it too.

Bravo to Mr. Shastri for showing a cunning that makes Lizzie Grubman look like a preschooler at a fairy princess party, capitializing on both Mr. Jackson's fame and his darkest hour at the same time. It must have been just that sort of forward thinking that has landed him as a guru to the stars in the first place, despite the seemingly egregious violation of MJ's confidence. Or perhaps it was in the service of Mr. Jackson. Or, does it really even matter?

OG Gurus In Their Native Habitat In New Doc

File under: Reference Library and Gurus Who Party

The original Burning Man began in India as the Kumbha Mela, a gathering of sadhus which began in at least the 13th century and possibly the 7th. Held every 12 years, the last one was in Allabahad, India in 2001 and was attended by over 70 million people.

Maurizio Benazzo and Nick Day were there with cameras to catch a slice. Their film, "Shortcut to Nirvana," catches gurus of many varieties and factions. Some just show off while others quietly expose the world to the truth. Pretty much like the spectrum of gurus we find in the West, although most of them don't get to prance around naked, smoking hash (and loving it) all day long.

Guru Blesses Student's Plastic Surgery?

File under: Vanity of the Gurus

Did former SYDA meditation teacher Sally Kempton "refresh" herself as she embarks upon a career as a guru? Granted the blessing of her own guru, Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, to strike out on her own, Ms. Kempton is looking a lot fresher around the eyes and chin in the pic on the right.

It makes a lot more sense when one considers that Gurumayi herself is rumored to have had her own work done to her nose and cheekbones. Perhaps she has learned that if she keeps herself looking fresh and vital, people will be continue to be fooled into believing she is a divine being worthy of being worshipped by satellite TV every Sunday in SYDA centers all over the world. Because what is God if not pretty?

Update: We've gone ahead and asked Sally as to whether this rumor is true. She says it is not. Case closed and thanks to Jai Bhakti for staying on us about this.

GuruLib: Crimes of the Soul

File under: Reference Library

In this Psychology Today article from 1998, Jill Neimark surveys the psychological landscape of gurudom from the perspective of devotees and gurus.

Mata Daya's Rule Turns 50

File under: Back-Room Gurudom

The month of March marks the 50th anniversary of Sri Mata Daya's appointment as president of the Self-Realization Fellowship, or SRF. Wrested from the hands of Donald Walters, Paramahansa Yogananda's more likely successor, Ms. Daya alone has guided the fortunes of the LA-based group since the day she kicked Walters out in 1962.

Walters went on to found the Ananda community, which has an interesting history of its own and is locked in a bitter conflict with the SRF over control of the Yogananda legacy.

We say why not just lock them in a room and let them work it out with the lightning bolts that come out of their eyes. The one who will inevitably lose will be shown to not have the Master's blessing and thus justly deserving of the loss of their leadership.

Nazi Guru Faces More Charges

File under: Gurus Doin' Time and Hands Where They Don't Belong

Ex-Nazi nurse and guru Paul Schaefer has been charged in the disappearance of another leftist in Chile. Recently arrested and deported back from Argentina, Herr Schaefer is also being investigated for sex crimes against children in Germany and France.

We only hope the Chilean authorities allow him to have his black latex nurses' outfit while he is in jail. We're sure he'll be able to find someone there to call him a "sexy, sexy baby" for a pack of smokes and a week's worth of jello servings.

Naked Guru's New Autobio

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Ex-hippy washout William Gans tuned in, turned on, and dropped out to India in 1969, took initiation as a Naga Sannyasi, and is now about to leap back into the West with his new book, "Baba: An Autobiography of A Blue-Eyed Yogi."

We see a very bright future for the Baba if he decides to launch a career as a bigtime guru out here. He's got a fairly interesting backstory, knows his way around a chillum, and will be rocking more censors than Janet Jackson at a Superbowl with his nakedness. This alone will generate more than enough PR for the Baba without his having to resort to the mind-control tactics employed by other bigtime gurus here.

Calcutta Rag Covers Up Guru

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

A Calcutta newspaper reporting on the statement of a murder suspect has curiously left out the details of the alleged crime. Perhaps it's a quirk of the Indian media sensibility, but isn't that like covering a movie premiere but failing to report a nip slip?

The alleged murderer is none other than Jayendra Saraswati, the shankaracharya of Kanchi, who is accused of murdering a temple manager and was arrested in November, 2004. It's sort of like the pope getting caught whacking a cardinal.

Naturally, it's rocking the Hindu world like a Springsteen concert at a New Jersey bar mitzvah. An unfortunate reality-check for the devout and pious, but a good demonstration of the fact that the divine seem to fall by the same means as the ordinary: lust, greed and power.

Yoga Teachers Steamed By Bling-Bling Guru's Copyright

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Bikram Choudhury, the "inventor" of Bikram Yoga, is defending his copyrighted sequence of yoga exercises against a lawsuit brought by a coalition of independent yoga teachers.

Quite famous for his bling-bling lifestyle, Bikram claims that his particular sequence of yoga postures, all of which are thousands of years old, can "lower blood pressure and cholesterol, cure arthritis, ... heal reproductive and spinal problems," wash your car and do your taxes, too!

We've heard that if he successfully defends his copyright, his next move will be to patent breathing, eating and excretion.

Aum Attack Anniversary

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

It has been ten years today since members of the Aum Shinrikyo cult gassed 5000 and killed 12 in a Tokyo, Japan subway station on March 20, 1995. Hoping to become a new emperor after the chaos he expected the attack to cause, Aum guru Shoko Asahara instead landed in a jail cell with a death sentence and the apparent loss of his mental health (if he's not trying to pull an "Oddfather" on us.)

Kid Abusing Nazi Guru Goes Down

File under: Gurus Doin' Time and Hands Where They Don't Belong

Former Nazi nurse Paul Schaefer, leader and founder of the "Colonia Dignidad" cult and commune, was captured and indicted in the disappearance of a leftist in Chile. Schaefer, on the lam since 1997, is also accused of multiple sex crimes against children.

Schaefer was once a collaborator with the Pinochet regime, making his facility available for the torture and execution of political prisoners. He preached that harsh discipline would bring his devotees closer to God. We guess their captivity insured they were a cooperative flock.

Don't ask us why, but we get a picture of a Fraulein Paulina and "her" flabby flesh hanging in a black latex nurses' outfit, complete with red swastikas on each of "her" breasts, standing over a chained captive, commanding, "Now tell me I'm a sexy, sexy baby or I'm going to cut off your tongue!"

Moo Guru's Holy Do-Do?

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Possessed cow heals (the bank account of its owner.)

Transmission By Tilak, Enlightenment Not Included

File under: Satscams

Disgraced and thought long gone from the biz, single-named con-man guru Tilak has surfaced once again. Featured by an obviously and sadly duped YOGItimes, Tilak is still at it with a flashlight, a breath mint and the hopeful expectations of those seeking what they already have.

We encountered Tilak a few times in the early mid 90s. We even went as far as to receive one of his "treatments" at the apartment of a friend. We entered a darkened bedroom and were told to lay on our backs on a bed. Tilak then positioned himself at the head of this bed, leaned over and blew on our forehead. Seemingly miraculously, we saw a bit of light when he blew. Fortunately for us, we were of the wrong sex to receive one of his "special" treatments.

It turned out that Tilak was using a small flashlight in his mouth, mostly for the purposes of gaining a harem of female devotees to service his sexual needs. It's rumored he even went as far as to impregnate his own 14-year old niece!

In our years observing and commenting on the guru biz, we've learned this: there is no such thing as enlightenment by transmission. Anything that you "feel" in the context of a guru's attention is just that, a feeling. Scamming gurus use the expectations of their devotees to suggest these "feelings." Devotees wanting to please the guru then generate these feelings at the guru's suggestion. When they have the feeling they made themselves feel, they believe it confirms what they desperately want the guru to be for them, their own little private Godman (or woman,) as well as indicating their own special, spiritual "advancement." This is one of the oldest tricks in the world of gurudom, and is basically the mechanism which keeps all guru satscams going.

But when you are asking the women of your satsang to do you and each other, setting them against one another and maybe even impregnating a 14-year old, chances are that your satscam is going to crash in a heap of disappointment and disillusionment. But if he can keep it in his pants this time, Tilak stands a chance of rebuilding his satscam. Such is the fertility of the field of spiritual seekers desperate to be someone else by imagining they are getting infusions of spiritual power from the likes of con-men and criminals.

Shoeless Guru Shows How It's Done

File under: Real True Gurus

In this world of bigtime gurus spinning out satsang circuses full of thick clouds of occluding ideology about self-realization, we are always very heartened when we discover the real thing. It is a great honor and privilege to bring your attention to a true guru.

Guru Gulshan Singh, or Guru Ji, is eschewing shoes in solidarity with the homeless at the command of our Mother Kali. Guru Ji is a householder with a wife and kids, and most importantly, with no pedestal being built under him by devotees who are blinded by their desire for the "guru's" love and ultimately, their own self-acceptance.

We applaud and commend Sri Guru Ji for showing us that a true guru is always going to be a normal person, even when they go to extraordinary lengths to insure the comfort of their fellow man.

Ammabotics On The Move

File under: Amma-All-Over The Planet

Not content to just control the minds of her devotees with the intellectually corrosive qualities of her astral breast milk, Amma and her Ammabots have successfully taken over the control of a new transportation system in Goa, India.

This marks yet another milestone in Ammachi's plan for complete global domination. Having already mastered the art of turning thinking humans into mindless automatons, she now moves forward by turning mindless machines into instruments of her will. We predict that soon all machines in India will only function under her command. Seeing as tech-support for all the world's computer systems is now based in India (and not by coincidence mind you,) it's just a very small step for her to gain the control of every machine on the entire planet.

So if your car suddenly starts making a beeline for San Ramon, California; Santa Fe, New Mexico; or Ann Arbor, Michigan, don't say we didn't warn you.

Guru U. Fights the Party

File under: Gurus Bringing The New Age™

A professor at the Maharishi University of Management in Fairfield, Iowa, claims that the "normal" college experience causes brain damage. Wait... isn't that why we went there? Professor Alarik Arenander singles out stress, anxiety, sleep depravation and that old college tradition, binge-drinking. Right... I knew that's why we went there. [Actually, we didn't binge-drink at all. We just dropped eleventy billion mic(rogram)s of acid and about 3 pounds of ecstasy.]

So what's a brain damage-dodging collegiatus to do? Practice TM™ of course! They've come a long way since those days in the 70s when they fleeced thousands with only 16 mantras, each sold as unique to every initiate. We hear they've got as many as 24 to work with now.

Hindus Assail Guruverts

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Hindus in India are in an uproar over a new Ford auto commercial. A Shiva statue appears behind the car, with a character who appears to be a guru discussing the good karma of owning a Ford automobile. Various Hindu organizations are taking it up with the government despite the fact that the commercial was created by Hindus. In a quick ass-covering, a Ford spokesman claims that the ad was only meant to run a short time.

Leave it to fundamentalist Hindus is be as blind to irony as they are to reason.

Minting Micro Gurus in Missouri

File under: Gurus Bringing The New Age™

The great state of Missouri, the starting block for the decimation of the Native American peoples, has now become a fountain of future gurudom. Barbara Condron, a member of the faculty at the College of Metaphysics in Windyville, MO, sees a bright future ahead of us. The reason: indigo kids. “Indigo souls are souls that are highly intelligent,” according to Condon. She claims that they're strong-willed, quick thinkers who know why they are here in the world.

In other words, what were formerly known as brats.

But before you go thinking your kid is an "indigo," you'd better brush up on your aura-reading siddhi. Nancy Ann Tappe discovered the phenomenon when she noticed a lot of kids with indigo auras. She's seeing more and more of them all the time.

It's a wonder of the modern world, a whole New Age™ movement based on the veracity of one woman's "psychic" intuition. We see opportunities that are as limitless as the lack of any reason here. We'll soon see bumper-stickers on mini-vans which proclaim: "My child is an indigo at a Waldorf School." Next we'll be awash in indigo-targeted marketing. There will be indigo rock stars and fashionistas, actors and actresses. What will this mean for the gossip industry? Will indigos misbehave in a manner appropriate for a famous person? And what about those kids who are not indigos? Will they be known as outdigos and segregated away from the herd?

We're already afraid of these indigos, but fortunately we've destroyed our ability to read auras after all that ecstasy-taking in the 90s, so we won't even know they are around, thank God.

Jailed Aum Guru Tries Don's Trick Too

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

Subway-gassing Japanese über-guru Shoko Asahara has apparently taken a page from "The Chin's" playbook along with Liz Prophet. According to his daughters, Ashara has taken to "wearing diapers and mumbling incomprehensibly" during their visits with him in prison. "Father...was looking right, left, up and down, jiggling his legs or just mumbling," his daughter said.

We believe this is the start of a new trend in gurudom. Now there's an option for those caught molesting children, spending funds on lavish lifestyles, or just being plain old-fashioned mass-murderers. Too bad the Don is in prison as well. If he'd have pulled it off, he might have made a bundle as a consultant to disgraced gurus everywhere.

I Should Acharya a Lot for This

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Spiritual Guru Acharya Ved Prakash has developed a theory that could potentially save humanity. The new theory, "Guided Fortune," is explained on his new CD. According to the Professor, his method will "rid one of...allergies, phobias, depressions, tension, insomnia, impotency, addictions, stuttering, stammering," along with helping one to "secure a good percentage in examinations, pass through interviews, loose-gain weight, get over insecurities, phobias, overcome personality disorders or psychological hurdles."

Wow, this guy could put psychiatry out of business and help the impoverished masses find economic well-being! With everyone so happy, there will be no reason for any more killing. Truly, the New Age™ would be upon us! And all this for a mere $30 dollars!

Why isn't he charging thousands or more for this thing? To be cured of almost all which ails has got to be worth at least that. We think we'll tip off a couple big pharmaceutical companies and the American Psychiatric Association about this. We believe we might make a pretty penny bringing their attention to this threat against their livelihood.

Guru Gets Game [Company]

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Shekhar Kapur, director of "Elizabeth" and "Four Feathers," is about to embark upon a business venture with spiritual guru Deepak Chopra. It seems they have formed an entertainment company for the purpose of fleecing the market in Asia by producing "spiritual games."

We've received an advance copy of their prototype list, which we'd like to share with you now:

Chela Control: Two people play as gurus of their own cults. In a race against time and each other, each "guru" must win over their flock with threats of eternal damnation, bad karma and sexual intimidation.

Holier Than Thou: In this game, two or more players compete for the title of "Most Holy" by quoting the Vedas out of context, faking their humility and miraculously surviving a cobra bite.

Spiritual Tickles: This is a single player game in which the object is to get away with as many acts of molestation on young boys as possible in the name of "enlightening" them.

Sri Sri Guru a Wussie

File under: Sri Loser

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, (not the one who played at Woodstock,) turned tail and ran when challenged by a rationalist in India. In his own account, he claims to "choose silence over conflict." In our account, he wussed out bigtime and got made a biotch by his debating opponent, Javed Akhtar, making Sri Sri's article little more than a feeble attempt to save some face after it got rhetorically pimp-slapped at the India Today Conclave's discussion on spirituality, ‘Halo or Hoax?’

Guru Takes a Lesson From a Don

File under: The Great White Botherhood

Multi-deity channeler Elizabeth Clare Prophet is continuing on a decline wrought by the ravages of Alzheimer's Disease. Or is she? Various current and former devotees aren't so sure, according to an article published by the Bozeman Daily Chronicle.

Revered as the "Messenger" for pretty much any deity her devotees believe are in heaven, Liz is probably most famous for claiming that the world was about to end in a nuclear holocaust in the late 80s, resulting in gun charges against members of the group as well as charges of polluting the local groundwater around their underground communal bomb-shelter.

Faking your dementia may allow you to deflect the anger of a few thousand bilked devotees, but if it didn't work for ‘Oddfather’ Vincent "The Chin" Gigante, why would it work for the 'Oddmother' of one of America's most notorious New Age cults.

Chinmoy Aborted Carlos' Kid

File under: Blind-As-A-Bat Devotion

Deborah Santana (wife of Carlos Santana,) in her memoir, "Space Between the Stars: My Journey to an Open Heart," reveals a tragedy wrought by her former guru, Sri Chinmoy:

As they plunged deeper into their spiritual lives, they were introduced to the guru Sri Chinmoy by guitarist John McLaughlin, and soon became disciples. At the guru's urging, Deborah opened a vegetarian restaurant in San Francisco, Dipti Nivas, that she ran for a decade with her older sister, Kitsaun, who still works with Deborah in the Santana office.

When she became pregnant and Chinmoy believed that a baby would detract from her devotion to him and her spiritual quest, she ended the pregnancy. Disillusioned, she and Carlos broke off relations with the spiritual leader in 1981.

Had she decided to be disillusioned by Chinmoy's selfish advice before she got her abortion, (he obviously didn't want the kid cutting into his slice of the Santanas' net worth,) her child could have made Page Six hundreds of times by now, perhaps even giving the Goddess Hilton a run for her money-maker. Or more likely, a pounding on her money-maker, regardless of the sex of the would-have-been child.

Mickey Does Miss India

File under: Gurus Gettin' Some

Indian fitness and spirituality guru Mickey Mehta has found himself in the middle of the apsaras' heaven. As the official fitness and nutrition consultant for the Pond's Femina Miss India (PFMI) 2005 contest, Mickey is surrounded by some of the most beautiful women in the world. Mickey, apparently "a man of many hues," has been insuring that the contending queens are eating healthy, that is, satvically. But surrounded by so many of Kali's so very delectable manifestations, one wonders which side of the brahmacharya question Sri Mickey is on.

Colonel Ammabot

File under: Amma All-Over-the-Planet

As her (or her swamis') plan for global domination shifts into high gear, another "born-again" American Hindu is minted from the refuse of a Christianity failure. Former U.S. Air Force colonel Kirby Knox has been hugged into the oblivion of becoming one of the "hugging" saint's Ammabots. We hear he's taken a vow to eschew food and water in order to receive his sustenance exclusively from Ammachi's astral breasts, the milk to be fed directly into what's been permitted by her to remain of his brain.