The Rav's Now Rollin' In Vegas

File under: Satscams and The Siddhi of PR

Quicker than you can say Dadei Behema, the Rav transforms from evil destroyer of community art centers to fly pimp rolling on his corners, and his string includes some of the biggest names in showbiz. They're all out there right now prostituting themselves for the Rav's newest offer of wisdom, the Kabbalah Energy Drink.

And so is a bus in Las Vegas. We're stunned—in a 3-Taser shot to the groin sort of way—by the deeply spiritual significance of it all.

We hear Ashton is pulling the most tricks. It must be those latex thigh-highs with snakeskin boots and mini ensemble the Rav's got him wearing. We guess it's true when they say that pretty boys make prettier girls, especially when those girls are pushing 50.

Madonna's Kabbalah Prop A Flop

File under: Satscams and The Siddhi of PR

Ever the strident Kabbalah pimpress, Madonna's follow-up to her successful Truth or Dare concert documentary has already flopped—before it's been released. The reason? Too much Kabbalahization.

Just like any other narcissistic fanatic, Madge thinks we will all practice her religion one day. So she's taken it upon herself to inform us all of its benefits, using her latest concert documentary as the vehicle for our enlightenment. The problem? Nobody cares about Madonna anymore, let alone whichever pop spiritual fad she's hooked on.

But it puts nary a dent into the continuing metastasis of the Kabbalah Centre, who have yet to reply to the poor Brookline Community Center for the Arts' requests for accommodation in their own building, now owned by the Centre.

We imagine the Rav is getting pretty fed-up of the blonde's ambitions to be the queen of Kabbalah, anyway. We hear he's got a special batch of evil eye energy brewing up just for the moment he decides he doesn't need her anymore. Madge would be well advised to keep a low profile. Her own over-exposure and that of her spiritual hobbies may be her undoing in a way much worse than any universally reviled vanity vehicle her husband can come up with.

A Vegas "Prophet's" PR Play

File under: Wackadoo Gurus

A person who calls himself Prophet Yahweh has just announced that he "will demonstrate his ability to call down UFOs and spaceships, on-demand, for [the news media] to film and photograph" over Las Vegas, beginning June 1, 2005.

Previews of this momentous occasion will be available for viewing on Prophet Yahweh's website for only $7.95 per month. Just think, all the UFO porn you know you want for just pennies a day!

This reminds us of the time Ben Creme spent all his hard-conned cash to take out full page advertisements in major metropolitan newspapers announcing the immanent arrival of the Maitreya, set to appear on every TV screen on planet Earth, all at the same time. But we suspect Maitreya got stage fright in the green room, puked his guts out and cancelled. The poor thing's been hiding out ever since, waiting for his PR profile to recover from the blow.

We have a feeling that the Prophet Yahweh won't get sick, but we imagine he already has a number of good excuses prepared for the press when his UFOs don't show. And show or no show, he has already won by driving traffic to his site. [Ed Note: Including from this one!] Like spamming with phony offers for drugs or penis enlargement, this kind of thing is a numbers game, and we're sure there's enough similarly-minded (or similarly out-of-their-minded) tweetie-brains around to make PY's PR newswire outlay worth the investment and then some.

The Rav Rolls Over The Arts

File under: Satscams

[Ed Note: We made it out of the wilderness with another successful worship adventure in our packs. Serpents were caught, rivers forded and cacti avoided. Our thanks to our spiritual brother and mentor, Bruce Morgen, from whom you will be hearing more if we have our way. Now, back to the work of making the world safe from the spiritual flim-flam men and women who overrun the pursuit of the truth like kudzu on a Georgia plantation.

The artists of the Brookline Community Center for the Arts are out on the street, rolled over by the Rav and his Kabbalah Centre's continued metastasis across the U.S.

It's just another notch on Darth Yehuda's light saber, as he is sure to inherit the Kabbalah empire after the Rav moves on to the "higher worlds." Meanwhile, the artists of the Center for the Arts have been kicked out of their studio, victims of an avarice-driven juggernaut that cares nothing for the communities it invades, except for the dollars they can extract from it.

The Sad Legacy of a "Guru of Sadism"

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong and Gurus Doin' Time

[Ed.Note: While we've already covered the opening up of Frau Schäfer's pedo-dominion, we've decided to leave Bruceji's post as an additional analysis of what was a very sorry state of affairs.]

One never knows what will turn up when one summons up the patience to search Google News for the word "Guru." Yesterday, we stuck it out long enough to find a week-old New York Times article by Larry Rohter about what an elderly fellow named Paul Schäfer (unrelated to TV bandleader Paul Shaffer) left behind in the Andean foothills of Chile when he was arrested in March after several years as a fugitive.

The 84 year old Schäfer became a cult-leading lay minister in Chile after his years as a medic in Hitler's Luftwaffe during the Second World War, and has been likened to Jim Jones and David Koresh -- albeit with a distinctly German accent and a weird admixture of apocalyptic prophecy with staunch Nazi-style anti-Communism and anti-Semitism. Schäfer, who was called "Permanent Uncle" by his followers, had close personal ties with the reviled former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet, whose wife had visited the cult's settlement -- then known as "Colonia Dignidad" -- to attend performances by the cultists' children.

Apparently, his fear mongering and bigotry weren't enough for Schäfer -- to compound the tragedy of Colonia Dignidad, he also had a sexual itch for prepubescent boys and was quite possibly responsible the murder of a visiting American academic. Now that "Permanent Uncle" is permanently gone, the settlement of 300 has been renamed "Villa Baviera" and its new leaders are trying to heal the wounds and pick up the pieces while continuing to trade the fruits of their labors -- mostly farming and traditional German-style baking -- with their neighbors via their general store.

Recovery has been halting at best -- some residents still flee at the approach of outsiders and turn their backs to photographers. Although there is no overt public denial, the community generally avoids discussion of Schäfer's sexual predation, even though the current temporary council is of an age that some of them were no doubt victimized.

If there is a lesson in all this, it's that false-guru cultism is very widespread and is often ignored or underreported in major international media -- and that connections in high political places can protect even the most despicable of spiritual leaders. Kudos to the NYT and Mr. Rohter for telling this particular and particularly sad story -- look it up via Google News under "Guru of Sadism" for an excellent if heartbreaking read.

Guru Paternity Plantiff Hospitalized, Drugged

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong

Young Indian "new-age guru" Bhayyu Maharaj seems to have used his ample political pull to fight a devotee's paternity suit by having the woman, Seema Wankhede, forcibly hospitalized. The 36 year old god-man, who apparently counts several current and former politicians among his followers, claims "She is mad" and that "Records and medical examinations prove this." For her part, Ms. Wankhede says she is the guru's wife and that he fathered her four year old son, Chautanya, even though her alleged spouse is married to another woman with whom he has a daughter. Ms. Wankhede's advocate, Uma Soni, asserts that witnesses at the Maharaja Yeshwantrao Hospital in Indore have seen her "being adminstered medicines and injections to make her unconscious," further declaring that "She is not mentally ill."

Without taking sides on these particular differences of viewpoint, we see the situation as an object lesson for the rest of the world about the dangers of political influence in the hands of religious figures. Given the apparent ease with which politically active religionists managed to get two branches of the U.S. federal government involved in the profoundly private matter of the late Terri Schiavo's hospice care, we can easily imagine well-connected clergy and religio-activists avoiding exposure of their own extramarital exploits by the simple expedient of having their accusers subjected to brain-numbing medical treatments.

Well then, why not? After all, a similar approach -- using psychiatric "care" to silence the inconveniently disagreeable -- sure worked out well in the late and unlamented Soviet Union. Get such a time-tested modus operandi together with a few hypocritical spiritual leaders fearing for their reputations and the result is a pretty scary recipe indeed!

Guruphiliac Heads For The Hills

File under: Notice to Readers

Here at Guruphiliac, our temple is the wilderness. We live near it and revel in it as much as is economically possible. We're about to embark on a multi-day worship trek, so you may notice a pause in the posting frequency until early next week.

However, we've arranged for a guest blogger to enlighten and entertain you, (if he figures out the content-management interface.) So check back every now and then over the next few days, and thank you ever so much for reading. If we make it past the wolves, bears, mountain lions, Gila monsters and rattlesnakes, we'll see you again next week.

Ramtha Flick Savaged In UK

File under: Satscams, Gurus Clockin' Dollars and Wackadoo Gurus

What The Bleep Do We Know has hit the U.K., and the critics have hit back, hard. We especially liked this review:

“Physicist” Jeffrey Satinover [who appears in the film] wrote Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth—a homophobic tract. If someone strapped me into a cinema seat and tried to make me watch this again I would gladly chew through my own limbs to escape.

We wouldn't be surprised if the movie's 35,000-year-old Atlantian producer was homophobic as well. As an ancient superstar god-warrior, he's got a carefully cultivated image to maintain; the mega-macho and bad-ass but wise and gentle commander-guru. And yet Ramtha has a lot to compensate for too, mainly because he has the (very rich) wackadoo guru J.Z. Knight as his "exclusive" mouthpiece. We hear he's got feelers out to Beyonce's people, but the lifetime contract he signed with Knight in the "lean years" means he's going to have to wait her out. We think Ms. Knight should be watching her back lest she find herself suddenly out of that contract due to unexpected end-of-life issues.

Maitreya: Miracle Or Malpractice?

File under: Satscams, The Great White Botherhood and Wackadoo Gurus

Today found us catching up on our favorite New Age™ flimflam man (and/or delusional nutbag,) Benjamin Creme, along with his inner puppet master on the outer planes (of Creme's imagination,) Maitreya. Surveying the latest issue of Share International magazine, we came upon this communication between Maitreya ("through" Creme,) and a devotee facing hip surgery:

Q. Could you please tell me what’s happening when I put photographs of Maitreya’s hand-print on my hips. I am supposed to have quite invasive surgery on them. When I put the photographs on my hips I sometimes get the most intense feeling in my hips. It comes in surges or waves and is sometimes so intense I have to stop it by taking off the photographs and walking. (1) What is taking place during these times? (2) If I keep doing it regularly will I need to have the surgery? (3) Is there healing happening?

A. (1) You are getting healing from Maitreya. (2) Almost certainly not. (3) Yes!

Suddenly, the idea of using burning incense sticks to give ourselves reverse lasik surgery to prevent ourselves from ever reading again becomes quite attractive, if we weren't already doubled-over and retching up that Wendy's we had for lunch.

We pray this person got the medical help they needed, but we think that handprint may come in handy as a hangover remedy. And just in time, too. After reading through the rest of the Share International website, nothing less than drinking obsessively for two weeks straight is going to wash the stench of that bullshit from our brain.

Nazi Nurse's Pedo Palace Opens To Outside

File under: Gurus Doin' Time and Hands Where They Don't Belong

Colonia Dignidad—ex-Nazi nurse Paul Schäfer's personal pedophilia palace and torture tank for the Pinochet regime—has thrown open their gates to the world outside. Apparently, Schäfer held an extraordinary degree of control over his flock; at least that's what they're saying in a effort to distance themselves from the heinous crimes he committed there.

Things are now looking up for the former followers of "Permanent Uncle" with their control of the commune's lucrative assets and the threat of punishment permanently removed. Meanwhile, we imagine Schäfer's alter ego—the evil Nazi nurse Fraulein Paulina—trying to work it in a Chilian prison for smokes and protection as "she" awaits trial on murder, human rights and pedo charges. Only we now hear the former torture master is a bottom for a bunch of brutes who only keep him alive because they think it's funny to hear him say "sexy, sexy baby" in Spanish with a German accent.

By way of [ReligionNewsBlog]

Amma's Invasion—Stage Five: The Movie

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

We were not surprised to find the Cannes Film Festival to be the next launching point for another stage of Amma's march toward complete global domination. Darshan - The Embrace is a documentary extracted from the astral milk-soaked brain of filmmaker Jan Kounen. Kounen began his film during Amma's 50th birthday celebration—and obviously flipped from exposure to the mind-destroying properties of her ABM—he continued to film Amma and her mother-mongering Ammabots as they seek to turn the entire population of the planet into infantile members of her 'family.'

We're always impressed by the thoroughness of the Ammabots. They are spreading out into the mediasphere like lice at a refuge camp. The crescendo is building for the final push of the North American Tour, where Amma is expected to turn the corner and capture the minds of millions more.

Guruphiliac associates attempting to counter Amma's attack have been unable to recover the mystical box of ancient mantras found in the Antarctic ice pack. It seems one of the Russian research crew who had recovered the box was already Ammaified and managed to jump overboard with the box in hand. Both have been lost at the bottom of an ocean canyon, and all deep sea exploration vehicles are presently unavailable for a salvage operation. All we have to work with now is our wits, the lysergic acid and whatever mantras we can develop on our own.

With just weeks to go before she makes her landing, it's not looking good for adults wishing to preserve their status as all grown up in the U.S. In a related development, it appears that sales of pacifiers have risen 38% over the last two weeks. The beginning of the summer rave season only accounts for 3% of the increase, so this is probably another harbinger of the impending loss of all adult maturity in North America with Amma's arrival.

Sweet Teen's Family Still Hopeful

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong

The McMillian Family is expressing hope they'll again see sweet teen Diane back in the their safe, loving embrace. She's still in the decidedly creepy embrace of the Living Love Fellowship and their wrinkly old sex monkey UFO guru, Amadon Amadon.

Family members are convinced Diane has been brainwashed into sending disparaging remarks about her father Ian by email to the South African press. While lawyers have stopped their publication for now, Diane's sisters are chiming in with a statement of their own:

We regard these accusations as a direct attack on our father, whom they are attempting to break, because he is determined to retrieve Diane from [Amadon's] clutches. It is still to be established whether it is truly Diane behind these letters or, in fact, Amadon.

We believe we may have a plan for the McMillians. Sisters Angela and Laurie could be offered as trade for Diane. Since we imagine the freaky old pervert's grabbing hands are completely controlled by his shriveled little winkie, Amadon will be helpless and unable to resist the offer. If they meet up in a third-world country for the handoff, the local authorities could be bribed to nab the drunk "daddy" for whatever trumped up charges they come up with. The sisters McMillian will be reunited once again and the slimy sex monkey from Oregon will be left to deal with admirers of an entirely different disposition, ones who will almost certainly teach him a lesson about who the real daddies are.

By way of [Cult News]

Poor People Party For Sri Sri's Birthday

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars and The Siddhi of PR

Thousands of the residents of Dharavi, a slum near Bombay, partied in the streets to celebrate Sri Sri Ravi Shankar's birthday yesterday. The yatra was led by the Sri Sri-associated Swami Rishikesh and was reportedly attended by "people from all walks of life." But notably absent was Sri Sri himself, who "could not make his appearance" due to the fact he was in Chicago, Illinois on his North American Tour... where there are sheep more prosperous to fleece.

However, he seems to have left a few folk behind to keep the momentum going among the 25,000 Dharavi residents reported to be Sri Sri devotees. One of the 'locals' tells it like this:

Before joining [Art of Living] my life was a complete mess... I learnt that I was suffering from [tuberculosis] and no medicines worked on me. Then I was forced to [practice] the Sudharshan Kriya for one year and to my surprise, I discovered that I recovered completely. Since then this organization is very close to my heart.

Sri Sri's publicity machine never ceases to amaze us. The Nobel Peace Prize may lie beyond their reach for now, but the way they clock those dollars and pimp their "Pope" leads us to believe they've a lot to teach Hollywood about the art of shilling.

SF Archbishop To Head Neo-Inquisition

File under: Back Room Gurudom

Archbishop William Levada of San Francisco has been appointed by Pope Benedict XVI to head the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, aka the Inquisition, which was the post the Pope held when he was Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger.

Seeing as the guy's head didn't explode as a conservative theologian in the Mecca of sexual diversity, we're a bit optimistic that despite his traditional leanings, the Pope could have done worse in his selection... as long as Levada doesn't resurrect any of the practices of his forefathers.

Not that it would surprise or make a bit of difference. The Church is so removed from reality that they may as well be living on a different planet: Planet Dumb Patriarchy. But Levada has gained a reputation for conservatism with a heart, a step up from most of the other tradition-defending pit bulls we're aware of. While we don't think for a second that the Pope and Company will come and join the rest of us here in reality on Earth, at least they're making the effort to branch out by appointing the Bishop of Folsom Street, and by extension, the Folsom Street Fair.

And for whatever reason, that doesn't really seem that surprising anymore.

Bling Bling Guru Turns Down The Heat

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Bikram Choudhury, LA's steamy bling-bling yoga guru, has reached a settlement with the coalition of yoga studios who had challenged his copyright to sequenced yoga postures. Choudhury had been unleashing his lawyers on studios whose offerings he felt were too close to his own. Under the terms of the agreement, Bling-Bling Bikram agreed to withdraw his lawsuits against any of the studios represented by the Open Source Yoga Coalition. The studios in turn agree not to use the term 'Bikram' to describe the yoga they are teaching.

Since the judge in the case found it "almost unbelievable that a sequence of yoga positions could be any one person's intellectual property," Bling-Bling probably made the right move. He gets to keep his precious copyright fantasy, and yoga studios who employ the same ancient practices he does are off the hook as long as they call it something other than 'Bikram.'

Now he can get back to what seems to be his first love, sucking up and star-fucking in Beverly Hills, something he has already demonstrated a talent for equal to his yoga.

The Editor's Other Music

File under: Real True Gurus

We'd like to bring your attention to "Come to Realization," a repository for the spiritual picking, strumming and chords of avid guitarist and knower of the Self, Bruce Morgen. A brush with the psychedelic perspective brought him to self-realization in the 70s, and he's lived as a householder ever since. Making his living as a freelance writer, his words ring as notes true and clear in several of the Yahoo Groups we belong to. For instance, from tonight's discussion in GuruRatings:

[Self-realization] is even less intellectual than an entire weekend watching NASCAR and imbibing the entire contents of a just-tapped cold keg. Not a thing, not a feeling, not even a phenomenon. Neti neti. Jai Ma. Jai Guruji.

It was Bruceji's kind mentorship and tutelage some years ago that helped us settle into our own truth. We've stood in battle many times together against the occluding nonsense which pervades spiritual culture like an infection of ignorance. We find him the perfect example of a self-realized person living in the world, paying his family's bills and "dispelling darkness" in cyberspace in his spare time, entirely for free.

Those looking for an extraordinary example of plain, old ordinary self-realization would do well to peruse Bruceji's musings. It's the only kind of self-realization there ever really is.

The Kabbalah Empire Metastasizes Again

File under: Satscams

The Emperor Rav and Darth Yehuda are on the march in Brookline, Massachusetts. In their way was the Brookline Community Center for the Arts, occupants of a building the Bergs bought from underneath them for a new Kabbalah Centre. Now evicted, they're not in the way anymore.

The art center's attempt to buy the building was foiled by the Rav's better offer, 2 million as opposed to the art center's 1.9. A local real estate mogul is making an offer to purchase the building through his charitable trust and lease it to both the art center and the Kabbalah Centre. But the Kabbalah imperials aren't responding to feelers.

A "peaceful protest and rally” may occur on Sunday, May 15, but we're afraid it will be to little or no avail. We imagine there is much work to be done to bring the building up to imperial standards. A giant chamber made of steel and botoxium must be built to house the huge ball of red yarn that stores the evil eye energy collected by the nanotechnological red strings sold by the Centre. On top of that go the lawyers' pens and the "solitude" boxes, where new recruits are locked away to be softened up and made more "accepting" of the wisdom of their new leaders. Finally, there is the throne room, where the emperor and his chancellor can command and receive their tribute from both the ordinary and the celebrated of their followers, and also demonstrate the child-enchantment feature of their Zohar-powered auras for those who would dare defy them.

And the Brookline Community Center for the Arts receives the shaft, straight up their ass. Another casualty on the Bergs' march for pop spiritual ubiquity and their greedy accumulation of wealth, all on the backs of their subjects, just like a good evil empire should.

By way of [Cult News]

A Guru Superstar Rising

File under: Gurus to the Stars

We were overjoyed to make our acquaintance with one Bharat Thakur, the founder of Artistic Yoga and a seemingly popular guru in India. You'll know he's artistic when you check out the website, by far the slickest presentation we've ever seen a guru make. But when we read this, we had to muster all the hard-earned benefits of our sadhana to stop ourselves from blackening our eyeballs with a blowtorch:

If you want to be spiritual, a total revolution is required. Everything inside your head has to be destroyed for something new to be reborn. When you meet a master, you have two choices. Transform or walk away. You cannot be in his presence and remain the same.

The first part we can almost live with, after we allow for the Indian hyperbole. What's "required" is a total commitment to the process, as it seems a lot transformation needs to occur for things to get going realization-wise. What's getting destroyed isn't "everything," it's the primary attachment to individual identity, the ahamkara, according to Adviata.

But reading the second part of his strapline was a complete revelation. And what it revealed is that Bharat is on the make, regardless of what he knows about the nondual truth. We're still in the throes of the dry heaves after reading it a second time to a friend.

Bharat's statement poses a challenge to anyone he meets, and that challenge is to see him as a "master." If you are unable to do so, it's because you're not committed to the truth, his grandiosity notwithstanding. To put it another way: you're a spiritual punk-ass bitch if you can't hang with his clique, 'cause he's the tight shizzite, for shizzle!

But let's not forget to mention how we came upon Bharat. It just so happens that he is courting one of the lovely ladies of Bollywood. Not that we'd ever think to hold that against him. In fact, it almost makes up for his blatantly building a pedestal for himself with slick marketing know how underwritten by an obvious desire for name and fame. But. Not. Quite.

As much as we can appreciate a guru who squires starlets, we practically lose control of our bladder when confronted with some of the occluding nonsense that comes out of these narcissists' mouths. Henceforth, Bharat Thakur is on the list as a Guruphiliac dream guru. We have high hopes for this one, and we anxiously look forward to chronicling his rise, and inevitable fall, for all our kind readers [Ed.note—And of course, ourselves!] to enjoy.

Kabbalah Wars: Attack Of The Rabbis

File under: Satscams

The rabbis Berg, with the help of their celebrity marks co-conspirators students, have made Kabbalah the number one brand of crap pap pop spirituality in the nation. With major centers in 7 states and 12 countries, the Kabbalah Centre has a lot to protect in its battle for Jewish mysticism branding superiority.

And now the attack is two-pronged. First there was the announcement of a new DVD set entitled Kabbalah Yoga. But ominously, it appears that much more powerful forces are aligning against the Bergs. Rabbi Naftali Citron, religious leader of Manhattan's Carlebach Shul, is planning a tour of his own, one in which people will be exposed to a Kabbalah other than the Bergs' brand. While Citron demurs from criticizing the Bergs directly, he insists:

For good or for bad, the reality is for most people, when they say Kabbalah, it's the Kabbalah Centre. It shouldn't be like that. Just like Hasidism doesn't belong to one group or outreach doesn't belong to one group, Kabbalah doesn't belong to one organization.

Translation: It is so on, beeyotch!

While our money was on the Bergs against Kevin Weaver, producer of Kabbalah Yoga, we're not sure they have the juice to battle him and Rabbi Citron's forces together. While Weaver's defenses against the Bergs' red string-powered evil eye energy were questionable, Citron's are undoubtedly up to the task and then some. We imagine the Bergs are on full red alert at the moment knowing that both their store of evil eye energy and their lawyers will be ineffective against their own kind. Even their trump card, the celebrities who pimp for the Bergs to the masses, may find their publicists in revolt if they go up against Citron for the Rav.

The Bergs' next move must be delicately implemented if they are to preserve their brand's dominance without alienating their market and celebrity meal tickets. We suggest a St. Valentine's Day Massacre-like operation, carried out by ex-Mossad agents promised intimate "face" time with Britney (before she gets too pregnant,) Demi (before she succumbs to complete Botox paralysis) and Madonna (before she starts looking even more like Camilla Parker-Bowles.)

By way of [Cult News]

Yogi Bhajan: All American Guru

File under: Backroom Gurudom and The Siddhi of PR

This week in Washington marks the celebration of a joint resolution passed in Congress honoring the late Yogi Bhajan, according to a couple of Indian news sites. The momentous occasion seems to have escaped the attention of the U.S. media so far. Passed last April and sponsored by New Mexico Senator Tom Udall, Yogi Bhajan is now in the esteemed company of Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa and Pope John Paul II as a religious leader honored this way by Congress.

When we originally noted the passage of the resolution, we joked about Tom Udall's black tongue—made so by all the shoe-licking we imagined he did to get the bill passed. What escaped us at the time was the fact that it was passed unanimously in both the House and Senate. This extraordinary show of cross-cultural recognition and ecumenicalism across the political divide is astonishing in light of the current climate in Washington, one seemingly dominated by neoconservative wackadoos making plans to hang with Jesus after the Apocalypse.

Sure, Yogi Bhajan was an American success story. He arrived as an immigrant, launched a number of thriving businesses and became an influential community and spiritual leader. His organization even weathered a few scandals, just a bit of sex, drugs and guns. Just enough to make him seem that much more American.

But the idea that Yogi Bhajan could be honored by a unanimously-passed resolution is vexing. We can't decide if this is a good sign or a harbinger of darker days to come. What could have prompted the contentious U.S. Congress to all agree to honor a foreigner and promoter of a religious ideology other than Christianity? Are politicians expanding their religious base beyond the mainstream, or is there something far more sinister going down? Was this a chance to enjoy some bipartisan harmony by honoring a beloved spiritual figure (and help some politicians from New Mexico,) or are these the first signs of Amma's mammary influence ahead of her arrival in North America? We'll let you know as soon as we know.

By way of [Cult News]

Ménage A Trois Guru Strikes Out

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong

James King, leader of the New Gnostic Church in the Seattle, Washington area, finds his flock in flight from him after it was revealed he and his mistress had seduced Samara Lane, the 17-year-old daughter of a devotee.

Apparently, it was known among the group that King had a wife and a mistress, as well having carnal knowledge of various other members of the church. But when his string included her daughter, the elder Ms. Lane had reached the limit of her tolerance. It appears King had or tried to have sex with many of his female devotees as way to help them get clear of their "sexual issues," as he described them.

It's clear to us that this guru was a dog, and his day is over, for now. Currently under investigation along with his mistress for having sex with a minor, former devotees are astonished they fell for it at all. But the need for positive mirroring in people who are insecure is all it takes for a horny megalomaniac with a little charisma to make himself God. Thankfully this one was knocked out of his self-made heaven before it really got out of hand.

Sweet S.A. Teen Still Amadoned

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong

Sweet South African teen Diane McMillan is still in the clutches of that wizened old sex monkey and UFO guru, Amadon Amadon, aka Steve Arden. But apparently, she has been speaking to South African magazine Saturday Star by email with some decidedly unkind words about her own father. That set Ian McMillan to setting a lawyer on the magazine, which decided to forego the publication of an article about their emails with Diane. She eventually did call her parents directly, but sounded subdued during the very short conversation.

In a related note, it was revealed that an ex-South African cop, in congress with an Oregon policeman, was able to rescue another sweet teen from the pervert's grabbing hands. The unnamed teen, who was 16 when she ran away, was believed to be held against her will as she offered no resistance when rescued. She has undergone extensive counseling since to help her recover from the sexual abuse she allegedly suffered on Amadon's farm in Oregon.

It seems that old Amadon Amadon likes his sweet teens with accents. Clearly he prefers a gal he can push around and feel power over. We imagine he fancies himself quite the stud and manipulator, which isn't exactly a tall order when dealing with women over 30 years younger than he. Plus, they don't require as much alcohol to be put in the "mood" as older gals usually do. It tends to blunt the horror of their having to deal with his boozy bad breath and handle the man's shriveled little winkie—which undoubtedly has its own function issues.

By way of [Cult News]

Kabbalah Wars: Revenge Of The Rav?

File under: Satscams

The big Kabbalah throw-down may be about to go down. Fitness producer Kevin Weaver has invoked the names of Madonna, Demi Moore and Ashton Kurtcher in a press release for his DVD series: Kabbalah Yoga™: Ambitious Beginners and Attainable Advanced. That's sort of like Weaver taking a walk in the Bergs' mansions and pissing on every object he encounters.

We seriously doubt Philip "The Rav" Berg and his boy are going to allow this urinating on their celebrity property to continue. We pray that Weaver has a lot more than his experience as a fitness guru to go up against the red string-fueled Zohar-power of the Bergs. Already adept at stealing children in exchange for filial love and financial support, we imagine the Rav has a few more tricks under his yarmulke. Rumor has it those over-priced red strings are actually quite a bargain. They are allegedly packed with a top-secret nanotechnology that absorbs evil-eye energy and transmits it back to a huge ball of red yarn under the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles, where it lies at the disposal of the Bergs and their agents.

Should they decide to hurl this energy at Weaver, he could suddenly find himself subject to massive feelings of extreme self-loathing over his weight, his body shape, the lines on his face, the profile of his nose, the size of his breasts, the color of his hair, the labels of his wardrobe, the car he drives, the jewelry he wears, the places he eats and the fact that he hasn't had a good role in ages. Depending on how much LA evil-eye energy they zap him with, Weaver could potentially shrivel up and die like a salted slug before he has a chance to get properly worked out, lipoed, botoxed, rhinoplastied, boob-jobbed, highlighted, shopped, pimped, blinged, dined at the right restaurant and switched to a new agent.

And if all that doesn't work, there's always the vicious lawyers kept in cages in the Centre's basement, raised on raw red meat and Kabbalah Energy Drink—all Kosher of course—straining at their leashes with lawsuits, summons and subpoenas, driven to abject insanity by the music of Madonna and Britney Spears played incessantly at high volume. They are soooo ready to "Oops, Do It Again" and "Justify Their Love" for the Rav by getting all "Toxic" on anyone bold enough to step on their beloved leader's money kibbutz.

As they say, developing...

By way of [Cult News]

Sri Sri's D.C. Building Buy Dies

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar's effort to expand his Art of Living Foundation into the nation's capital has been dealt a fatal blow by D.C. Mayor Anthony A. Williams. It seems the Mayor thinks the Old Naval Hospital would make a "wonderful" mayoral residence, and so he nixed the plans of the two restoration bidders, one of whom was Sri Sri.

Could this be a maneuver by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon to protect his Washington turf from a competing world spiritual leader? Already the owner of the Washington Times and having deep connections to the political machine, it makes sense for Moon to keep alternative spirituality at bay in the D.C. environment. He's probably having a very difficult time maintaining his own credibility as a world spiritual leader in an arena now overrun by the Christian Right, most of whom surely look upon the World Unification Church as a Satanic play for cultural influence, although we imagine they still have their hands out to Moon when reelection time comes round.

It looks like Sri Sri's been outplayed on this one. As a heathen Hindu, he has even less credibility than Moon. Unless he starts throwing major dollars around, he's going to remain just another Hindu guru working an association with the U.N. into recognition as a world spiritual leader, as Chinmoy and Ammachi have done. But that U.N. association is another strike against him with the current regime, and in this country it's three strikes and you're out. Sri Sri's going to need a mountain of money, a major media outlet, and a faux-Christian front like Moon's to gain any traction inside the Beltway next time.

TM™ers Live Longer, Or Omit Better

File under: The Siddhi of PR

The minions of the Maharishi in Fairfield are at it again. Always trying to stuff their "research" into popular publications, they've managed to get an article in Britain's Guardian Unlimited about the publication of their research results in the American Journal of Cardiology.

The study followed elderly subjects over the span of 18 years who employed different relaxation techniques, including TM™—which proved to be the show-stopper of the lot: "The transcendental meditation group had 30% fewer deaths from heart disease and 49% fewer from cancer."

That's quite the endorsement for TM™. And it's also very convenient for the leader of the research, Dr. Robert Schneider, head of the "centre of natural medicine and prevention at the Maharishi University of Management"—who just happens to be selling TM™ himself.

And the research seems to omit any mention of any other kind of meditation technique. They don't seem to want to concede that any form of mantra meditation would probably work as well, along with most other techniques including vipassana, zen, contemplative prayer and just about anything else that involved periods of quiet in some sort of mental concentration practice.

But they can't charge you for those. And if you're trying to become the Kleenex of meditation practices, you need to be the only brand people think of. It worked for Kleenex because they were the first. The only way it can work for TM™ now is to take over the entire meditation industry. We hear there are Age of Enlightenment compounds tucked deep into abandoned missile silos in the corn fields of Iowa... waiting to be activated at the dawn of the New Age™, ready to make the Maharishi the new "Man"...

By way of [Cult News]

Swami Sodomized By Sex-Crazed Sadhus

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong

A freshly minted swami has found ashram life a little rough, as in rough sex—the unwanted kind. 24-year-old Swami Harinayan had accused the sadhus of the Sokhda Harinarayan Muth of torture and sodomy in a call he made to family members, pleading to be rescued. But after they arrived, Harinayan decided he'd rather stick it out with the sodomizing sadhus, leaving his family perplexed and accusing the ashram of blackmail and brainwashing.

Perhaps the Swami has found his true calling as a bottom for a bunch of dirty old men fronting as celibates. We imagine that once the initial shock of being molested by the "holy" men wore off and the Stockholm syndrome set in, it wouldn't be so bad for an individual predisposed to such activities. And who knows? Perhaps he can receive the truth by way of repeated meat injection. If not, he could always fall back on a career as a rent boy in the States. We hear that tasty 24-year-old ex-swamis are hott in the Castro right now.

By way of [Cult News]