Ramdev Revs Up PR Apparatus

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Both are coming straight out of India like the Jay-Z and P. Diddy of freeze-dried, reconstituted yoga. But up to this point, it was Sri Sri Ravi Shankar's superior PR spawning facility that kept him in the world news while Swami Ramdev languished out of the limelight, except for that time he got rancorous on a politician who debunked his "medicines," as well as on an apparently innocent student reporter accused of being a terrorist for perhaps asking the wrong questions.

But now it seems Ramdev has taken up the gauntlet thrown down by that white-robed pretender who is wantonly lustful for a Nobel Peace Prize. The result has been a lot more visibility for Ramdev's Western ambitions. First there was the news of his visits to the United Kingdom, New York and New Jersey, and now his latest press release, heralding an upcoming trip to Canada, has drawn the attention of not less than 6 newspapers with websites in India, according to Google News.

It's perhaps not quite the reach Sri Sri's proliferate propaganda seems to have, but it's certainly a step up for Ramdev in our eyes. And speaking of eyes, could there be another epic eyeball lightning battle brewing here? Ramdev certainly has the rancor for it, but does Sri Sri? He has been successful at hiding his shadow from the eyes of the world so far. His softly said sweet nothings are completely devoid of anything that could be called jnana, but it does give the impression he's always about to step off a cloud, at least if you're a rube who's fallen for the act.

But if Ramdev makes a move for the golden ring of that Nobel Peace Prize, all bets will most certainly be off. It could be the granddaddy UFC octagon of all eyeball lightning battles.

Consider our fingers crossed.

Sri Sri Makes Tragedy Pay

File under: The Siddhi of PR and Sri Sri's March on the Prize

Just as we had predicted, Sri Sri "I Want That Nobel Peace Prize SO Badly" Ravi Shankar has taken to grandstanding in the midst of tragedy once again. Last year it was in Texas in the wake of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita... as well as in Jammu and Kashmir for some photo ops with local revolutionaries.

Now it's in Varanasi, where last week Islamic extremists set off two bombs, killing 15 and injuring scores of others. In another example of the stunning hypocrisy Sri Sri is becoming known for, he asks politicians to refrain from their own "self-interest." That's kind of like asking a hubris-crippled big time guru to drop their living saint act:

"Political leaders should keep away their self-interests and discuss with each other these events to fight the forces which are against humanity. They have to work for nation’s interests. We should not think that we belong to a particular community or society. We all have to join hands. We pray for all those killed and also all those who have been injured," he said.

Priceless. The god of self-interest commenting on the self-interest of politicians, of all people.

We see things heating up in India between the monster gurus. With the Kracki collecting millions to build a totem to his psychotic grandiosity and the Babaster's buying off whole governments to keep from being brought up on pedophilia charges, Sri Sri is going to need to keep his name in the headlines all the more. And just over the horizon looms the beginning of Ammachi's 2006 world tour. No big time guru in India holds a candle to her in the states, and she's already making moves in her home country to shore up her own popularity in light of the others' hijinks.

Can these mega-god-folk keep it civil, or will it take an eyeball lightning storm to sort it all out. These are exciting times in the world of superstar gurudom. We've got our money on Ammachi if it's an eyeball lightning duel, but don't rule out an alliance between Sri Sri and the Babaster against her if it comes to that point.

Sri Sri Meets The Babaster, May Have The Bomb Now

File under: The Siddhi of PR and Hands Where They Don't Belong

Yesterday the great Himalaya mountains trembled under the combined weight of two of India's biggest living gurus, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar and Sathya Sai Baba. While not much has been reported about the meeting, we believe the combined force of their shakti must have been a spectacle to behold, for those who imagine such things exist.

But the whole thing kinda looked more like the appearance of one rock star at the concert of another:

Today evening bhajans started at 5.00 pm. At 5.20 pm Pundit Ravi Shankar of the Art of Living fame walked into the VIP enclosure followed by his entourage. Sai Baba walked in at 5.25 pm, held on the railings and gave blessings for 5 mins and sat down. Bhajans continued till 5.50 pm, Swami took aarathi standing up the whole duration, giving blessings and just before he left he gave blessings 6 times with his Abhaya Hastam and some ladies were so touched that they wept.

A VIP section, crying groupies and the dispensation of blessings seem more reminiscent of a U2 concert than the creepy Babaster's daily appearance.

We imagine the gurus having some difficulty keeping their eyeball lightning in check while in each others' presence. Who knows who would have prevailed had the situation deteriorated. But the Babaster had better watch out over the long run. Sri Sri is apparently training the Indian Army in his Art of Living yoga techniques. As much eyeball lightning as Sai Baba may be able to muster aside, it probably can't compete with the AK-47s and light artillery the Army possesses, not to mention their nuclear capacity.

It certainly gives Sri Sri the one up on every other guru in India. It's a situation we will continue to monitor. As we love to say... developing.

Swami Nanobrain, M.D.

File under: The Siddhi of PR

He's claimed that his yoga exercises can cure cancer and AIDS, but watch out if he decides to write you a prescription. Now Swami Ramdev has a brand new angle:

"Just as nanotechnology has the potential to send nano particles within the body system to seek out and treat afflicted parts, pranayam in yoga sends oxygen to the remotest parts inside the body which need oxygen for cure."

Way to jump on the nanowagon, Swami! And this little PR stunt made it on to Google News eight times today! That's the kind of coverage Sri Sri Ravi Shankar gets when he mounts one of his own little PR performances.

Could Ramdev be gaining on Sri Sri in the race for name recognition in the West? With Ramdev's personal health angle, as opposed to Sri Sri's world peace conceit, he just might vault himself right past the white-robed, Nobel-lusting fauxvatar.

While he's got a ways to go, putting our money on the Rancorous One may just be the best bet big-time gurudom has to offer at the moment. And don't even get us started on the eyeball lightning possibilities here. We'd take the stack of cash we'd win on that bet and pay to have the pleasure of watching these two fame-hounds fry each other like squirrels stuck on a power pole.

SYDA Invades The Blogosphere

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Gp reader Ram Blogwallah notes a proliferation of blogs authored by SYDA higher-ups:

Not only did Gurumayi Chidvilasananda set up her own blog, but apparently she seems to have asked one of her key teaching minions, a Swami Vasudevananda, to set up one as well.

They must really be bothered by the whole Marta Szabo "Guru Looked Good" blog. Makes me wonder when it's going to stop... Check out the below:

http://swamivasudevananda.blogspot.com/

It would be appreciated if the public could be warned about this kind of action so that unwitting spiritually-minded people don't get suckered in by such response tactics.

We guess RB is no fan of SYDA. While we probably share an intense disliking of how Gurumayi has presented herself, this writer knows of at least two SYDA success stories... beside the hundreds of complaints put up on the Internets by the seemingly sizable ex-SYDA community.

With the brother whom she betrayed coming up hard in the States, all while usurping the closely-held legacy of SYDA's founder, Baba Muktananda, Gurumayi has probably realized that she'd better get on the stick before she ends up stuck on the pot.

Could we be looking at a interfamilial eyeball lightning battle some time soon? That possibility has us as tickled as we'd be for a free, all-night session with three goddesses at the Bunny Ranch.

Ramdev Not Rancorous In The U.K.

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars and The Siddhi of PR

While Sri Sri sulks around getting pervy for media support to assuage his Nobel Peace Prize lust, Swami Ramdev is wowing them in London, England:

He is an international star with a series of sellout dates across Britain. He has millions of fans worldwide, many willing to pay more than £250 for the privilege of seeing him perform.

Rock'n'roll star? Platinum-selling rap artist? No, he is a yoga teacher - and he is about to host what is said to be the biggest yoga camp ever held in Britain.

Of course, his own people extend the fantasy for the Brits in the pursuit of pounds sterling:

A spokesman said: "Swami Ramdev is probably the most well known person in India, admired and followed by people from all walks of life, from politicians and Bollywood celebrities to housewives and rickshaw drivers."

Uh oh... we predict a huge eyeball lightning fight over those assertions. It's gonna be Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, Swami Ramdev, Sai Baba, Kalki Bhagavan, Ammachi and Kripalu Maharaj on the field to duke it out for the title: Most Well-Known Person in India. The last one not burned to a crisp wins.

Honestly, if that actually happened, we'd all win, because there'd only be one insufferably self-aggrandizing occlusion pollution factory left.

Madharisi Still Trying To Take Over The World

File under: Wackadoo Gurus and The Siddhi of PR

The old coot is still at it. The latest in his 50-year scheme to ignite the next Golden Age (in direct competition with the Kracki, the Babaster and many, many insane people all over the world) is the Global Good News. It's just about the cheesiest looking website seen since the use of the <blink></blink> tag.

It's the same old TM™ global-everything propaganda. We thought it was a pipe dream back in 1989 at college, when Madharishi minions offered a ride home to pimp nonsense about the coming Age of Enlightenment... courtesy of and exclusively by the Madharishi himself, the certain and only true usher for the Golden Age. We thanked them for the ride and told them they were full of it.

And yet the wacky old bat is still at it. You've got to give him credit for sticking with it, or at least give his grandiosity credit. And we suppose you can't fault them for wanting to transform the world into his idea of what Vedic social perfection would look like. Too bad it's just as likely as the neocons' vision of a world united in Christ.

That's what makes it so crazy. When has anything so well articulated come about anywhere near the way it was articulated? Never. The world doesn't work that way, and the TM™ folks' inability to see this belies a lack of discrimination about just how crazy... or at best, inappropriately hopeful their leader actually is.

We continue to hope ourselves that the GCfWP comes to their senses once their beloved guru passes on. It's obviously a strong organization. If it can get past the grandiosity of its founder it may actually turn out to be something much better for the world than the likes the Kracki's deeksha scam and his grandiose ideas of Golden Age bringing.

We see no way out of the eyeball lightning here, folks. You better not be close to any metal if and when it finally does go down.

Ramdev Gets Rapped By His Guru

File under: Satscams

In a serious blow to his credibility in the face of a growing scandal, Swami Ramdev's guru, Sant Muni Yogacharya of the Haridwar-based Navshakti Yogpeeth, called it on the Swami for being a commercializing shill and offering poor products. Says the guru's guru:

“The medicines which Ramdevji sells [are] not of good quality. If he becomes a yogacharya to earn good money, then he is not a true yogacharya. This is wrong,” said Sant Muni Yogacharya.

“His lessons of yoga are not correct. A person needs at least two to three years of rigorous lessons to learn the true art of yoga. But Ramdevji teaches the same in just seven days!” he added.

We imagine Sri Sri Ravi Shankar watching all this with a hint of glee in his eyes as he anticipates the Swami's fame and accolades falling his way if and when Ramdev gets creamed in the inquiry. No eyeball lightning duel required.

Seeing the doom of their livelihood rise up like a tsunami has got the rest of the ayurvedic world in a tizzy:

Ayurveda practitioners in Allahabad have come out in support of the view that there is no harm in using human bones and animal parts in traditional and alternative systems of medicines.

These practitioners claim that the use of animal bones is permissible in Ayurveda medicines and its use was also mentioned in ancient Ayurvedic literature.

Human bones as medicine. Maybe more calcium than a glass of milk, but not the all powerful remedy these superstitious clowns believe it to be.

The Swami Ramdev scandal is looking more and more like a referendum between modern and ancient medicine in India. As much as we're for the exposure and destruction of superstitious belief in the realm of spiritual culture, we can't help but think that perhaps deer balls really do allow humans to have a ball when they ball. But we draw the line at using cow's urine to treat cancer. It's a slippery slope, and the next thing you know they'll be using rat poop to treat eating disorders.

Wait a minute... Maybe we're on to something here...

Xmas Sri Sri In NJ

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Our old friend, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, eternal Nobel Peace Prize hopeful, master of self-promotion and unrepentant hypocrite, gave a satsang in Franklin, New Jersey on Christmas Day, where it was reported that close to 1000 people were in attendance.

Sri Sri offered the usual pabulum geared toward a Western audience. The globetrotting guru would obviously like to expand his market share here, but there's a 300-foot hug-giving monster standing squarely in his way. It's no wonder he lusts for the Peace Prize. It would go a long way to creating the brand-recognition he needs to topple the Ammachi juggernaut and come out on top as the leading Indian guru in America.

We'd say just duke it out with the eyeball lightning, but Sri Sri is probably about 600 gigawatts short of the juice he would need to be victorious.

Peace Palaces Break Out In Iowa

File under: Gurus Bringing The New Age™

It's begun. The Global Country of World Peace is coming to a mall near you.

Formerly known as the Age of Enlightenment, the GCWP is the Maharishi's attempt to engender a massive expansion of influence by opening "Peace Palaces" in Iowa and then "every state."

The peace palaces, planned as $3 million [dollar] projects, will include space for learning and practicing Transcendental Meditation, a day spa, classroom space and retail outlets for herbal products.

And just in time, too! With murders happening in the dining halls of their own university—where all that TM™ is being practiced—you know there's an urgent need for Peace Palaces.

When we were in college, folks from Fairfield came out to promote Age of Enlightenment centers. They revealed that at the dawn of the New Age™ a new government will take root, led by the Maharishi and administered through his centers. They were quite adamant about the future legitimacy of their "government." We told them we thought the idea was crazy but thanked them for the ride anyway.

We believe they were a bit too aggressive and got the conspiracy theorists whispering. So The Age of Enlightenment got rebranded as the Global County of World Peace. Same old delusions of grandeur in an ever so slightly more palatable presentation:

Worldwide, 3,000 peace palaces are to be constructed. In the United States, they already exist in Bethesda, Md.; Lexington, Ky.; and Houston, as part of a plan outlined in 2003 by Maharishi, the Indian spiritual leader who introduced the West to Transcendental Meditation.

The goal is to "crown humanity with its rightful destiny - to live in permanent peace and radiate Total Natural Law - the light of God - on Earth, thereby ending the age-old legacy of problems and suffering," TM leaders have said.

We don't know what they're smoking over in Fairfield, but we want to get us some. It's got to be radically psychotropic shit to have them talking to the press like that.

But it's just another pseudo-Utopian scheme by another grandiose guru out to smear himself all over the world by opening more centers than the next guru. There are enough of those around for the next seventeen New Ages™. We're thinking there may be a major turf war brewing between all these world-beating gurus. Despite the Peace Palaces or because of them, we predict some eyeball lightning striking before this all gets worked out.

We can't see the Maharishi worrying about that right now. We imagine him languidly lazing about with various flavors of faux-groupies and simulated supergroups in his super 60s vedic love pod deep beneath the MUM auditorium. He's got minions to work the world domination schemes now. It's time to slow down and relive former glories as he waits (and waits) for new ones to unfold.