Satsang With Ammachi—Part IV, Mommy Smells

File under: Satsang Reports and Amma All-Over-The-Planet

Next up is the meditation program, taught by the swami who “translated” the talk. This is normally the most enjoyable part of a satsang for us, but Amma’s offering is a bit on the lean side. People sit in silence for less than 5 minutes after three Oms and a few words about breath focus.

The swami begins to chant for a bit before he starts praying to Amma, sitting on the stage to his right, as if she were God. And then, finally, we hear the first reference to that other God—the one who created Amma—since we’ve been here.

That pretty much sums up our problem with this satsang. Not enough talk about God, the Self and meditation, but a lot of talk about Amma and her “children.” That pretty much makes her the mommy and drives the whole enterprise. It’s the Mahashakti packaged as a sweet little Indian lady. It’s no wonder people believe that she’s magic, she’s the mother of all creation!

The mystic halogen reignites, signaling the commencement of the hugging. Special needs folks and VIPs go first. We observe the pleasant socializing that has erupted around us. Amma’s “children” might have child-like expectations about enlightenment, but taken as a group, they seem like very decent people. Everyone seemed at ease, with the exception of a few of the helpers.


As some people socialize and others get hugged, commercials for food, chair massages, gifts and books are announced over the PA. We decide to wander around a bit and check it out, but we find ourselves most interested in the Amma dolls and accessories for sale. We’ve seen people carrying these dolls at Kali pujas, taking the concept of being a child of Amma into the realm of the ridiculous. We just happen to have our camera, so we take some pictures. A slightly tense woman wearing an honest-to-God orange roadworker’s safety vest walks up and gently reminds us that only ashram appointees are allowed to take photographs. We thank her and walk back to our seat.

After a few more commercials, a video begins playing on the two large screens that now flank the stage. It’s basically an Amma informercial, complete with network news clips to lend it some more authority. The effect is decidedly Big Motherish as the video drones around the hive of activity that is Amma giving darshan. After an indeterminate amount of time, the video ends and another begins. This one is about Amma’s tsumani relief effort. It begins with quite a bit of tsunami porn shot as it was happening at her ashram in Kerala. Miraculously, nobody was injured. Naturally. The video takes pains to mention that Amma’s org committed 22 million dollars to the effort, which is very impressively beneficent if true.

We’re more than a bit tired and quite hungry as we wait for our number to come up, but the pleasant scenery has a somewhat soothing effect. The room seems to be getting warmer as the wait drags on, and the video is endless. Finally, it's our turn. We immediately get in line, which is a row of chairs leading toward the stage. Every 30-45 seconds we move another seat closer to Amma.

About 10 people away from Amma, the line moves to the floor, where we are asked to wipe our face with a tissue. People kneel or sit and scoot closer as the hugs are dispensed. We are identified as a “single” as we’re not with the person next to us. As we move closer still, the jostling starts, courtesy of the helpers. It’s as if there’s a bit of confusion at the point where people are thrust into Amma’s bosom.

We watch as a red-haired woman directly in front of us gets her hug. As Amma holds her in a semi-headlock, she jabbers away at the four or five Indian people standing around her. Their talk looks casual, and appears to have little or nothing to do with the hugging going on. When the woman is released, she is visibly moved. Amma continues talking to her friends.

Suddenly, we’re thrust into the ground zero of the worldwide Ammachi devotional community. Amma gets us in the same headlock, and still keeps talking to her posse. We’re held there for about 20 seconds. She then shifts our head to the other side of her bosom, and holds us for ten seconds more, all the time still talking. Then she leans toward our right ear and chants a simple mantra, “Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma…” And then we’re literally yanked away by a helper and ejected.

While in mid-hug, we did a self-survey and noted nothing additional in the way of love, shakti or consciousness. It was just being held by the arm of an Indian woman to her bosom while she babbled away about who-knows-what, although we're rather sure it wasn't about us. What we did notice very distinctly was that she was wearing a lot of strong-smelling perfume. It was very sweet, we imagine just like Amma’s love. So even though we didn’t really get to feel Amma's love, we sure did get to smell it.

On the way home, we notice that we continue to smell of Amma’s perfume. Suddenly, we recall another dark goddess encounter with a beautiful and generous shakti who just happened to be working at the Crazy Horse Theatre in San Francisco. As we rode the bus home, we were overwhelmed by the sweet smell of her perfume and the lovely memories it was being associated with in that moment. Now Amma had brought us to the same recollection. The perfect bookend for the evening.

Amma is a rendering of the right-hand Kali. Our Kali is left-handed—all the way. They’re both the same Kali, identical even, but Amma only sells the white sari rendition. Underneath that sari is a leather and latex-clad ultra-vixen, quite ready and capable of chopping off a head or two… or 100,000. If Amma really is Kali, she’s certainly not the whole Kali. But maybe that’s a good thing. We’re pretty sure rubber is not Amma's fabric, anyway.

Amma's "Sex Scandal"

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet and Gurubusting

We really don't have any idea who Shemp McGurk is, but we do know who forwarded McGurk's interesting interpretation of the stadium satsang scene shown at the end of Darshan: The Embrace, the recent documentary about Ammachi. We thought some of you might enjoy it. We know many of you are going to hate it:

No, Amma wasn't caught in flagrante delicto. But she did participate in what I can only describe as a "scandal" and one best employed with the adjective "sexy". But unlike this forum's allegations about MMY's extra-curriculars which are of the he-said-she-said category of rumors, Amma's scandal was filmed for the whole world to see.

I am referring to the DVD "Darshan" which I saw last week for the first time. There was something in it that just didn't sit right with me. "Darshan" is a documentary that follows Amma the Hugging Saint around various parts of India, including her Ashram, over a few months time...it was made by a French film crew a few years ago.

At one point near the end of the DVD, Amma is in a stadium of about 25,000 people who all came for that delicious hug she gives and which is her signature trademark (well, she IS called the hugging saint for a reason). And her people made a point of emphasizing that she only had a certain amount of time to be there.

So what did Amma and her organization do? Why, they actually put up a SCORE CARD of how many people she hugged! There was an actual TOTE BOARD, just like in those PBS fund-raisers they Michael Flatley and Lord of the Dance or Joseph Campbell are showcased in order to get the largest possible response during pledge week...or that thermometer the United Appeal puts on the town square that fills up with red as each new plateau of funds raised is met.

Except this tote board didn't list money; the currency measured was HUGS! And Amma wanted to get in as many as she could. She and her crew seemed intent upon trying to beat some record (exactly whose record and what goal I'm not sure but seeing as she's the only hugging saint around, I guess she was out to beat her own record...what sports psychologists tell enthusiasts in non-team sports like golf call "competing with yourself").

And the whole record-breaking vibe was pumped up to the max because Amma wasn't doing her usual embrace (the preceding one hour of the DVD had documented normal-speed hugging). No, along with her court- side minions, TEAM AMMA shifted into mass-production gear. Unlike the earlier recorded sessions, Amma the Pro performed a well- rehearsed and well-choreographed lift and jerk for each poor soul that trotted up to the dais. Amma and her accountants had precisioned the math and knew exactly how many complete cycles of body-embrace-eject-next had to be performed in the time allotted. Her followers had obviously paid attention in high school math class `cause they had the formula down pat:

I'm sure the pre-game prep notes looked something like this:

T/H = WR

T = Time Amma is in the stadium; H= Number of hugs; WR = World Record).

Man, she was huggin' em out at the rate of about 15 per minute. Now, that's some massed-produced touchy-feely darshan working there, worthy of respect from the most jaded MacDonald's production line engineer. Ray Kroc's McSlide Ruler holds nothing on Team Amma which can now proudly hang an "X billions hugged" sign under the Ashram`s arches.

Why have I called this a "scandal"? Why employ the adjective "sex" to describe it?

Bad enough that Team Amma and its star forward Amma appeared interested in only performing for the camera and unabashedly abandoned even the faintest APPEARANCE of devotion or piety. The worst part was what was so clearly their REAL motivation: cranking out the hugs in order to get into some sort of Spiritual Guinness Book of World Records. Talk about an experience devoid of spirituality...all that the principles seemed interested in was getting as high a number on the scoreboard as possible...generating love or compassion be damned, let`s just churn out what, at minimum, can be defined as a hug and get on to the next warm body. Head `em up, move `em out Rawhide!

In a nutshell: the numbers on the tote board was virtually all that she and her Kool-Aid inner circle were interested in. And that's why it seemed so scandalous to me.

And when they got the number they wanted (something like 25,000 but I can't recall the exact tally) Team Amma whooped and clapped like the cheerleaders in American Beauty. This sporty mood generated another impression upon me: Kobe Bryant scoring a three-pointer from center court to beat the Knicks with 2 seconds left on the clock.

But there was one final image this carnage of spiritual gluttony cast upon me. And this last one also depicted a pro-basketballer: Wilt Chamberlain whose ultimate claim-to-fame in popular culture wasn't the numerous NBA records he broke but his bold and brass assertion that he had slept with 20,000 women during his lifetime.

And that's why Amma's "scandal" seems so SEXY.

Comparing Amma to the Black Mamba (Kobe) and the Big Dipper (Wilt). You just gotta' love that!

The Little Piggy Face Of Oneness

File under: Satscams and Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Kingpin delusion dealer Kalki "The Kracki" Bhagavan steps up the supply to his addicts:

Dear Oneness Deeksha Givers,

Namaste!

It gives me utmost joy to inform you of the most recent divine phenomenon that has taken birth here in the Oneness University. This phenomenon, aptly named the ‘Oneness Blessing’ issues forth from the Srimurthi (portrait) of Sri Amma Bhagavan, which is impregnated with their divine consciousness. Sri Amma Bhagavan have now taken a very special sankalpa (intent) that their Srimurthi transfer a powerful blessing to people that would awaken them to Oneness.

In accordance with their divine will, Deeksha givers pray and gently touch the Srimurthi either at the feet or hands of Sri Amma Bhagavan and ask for a ‘Oneness Blessing.’ In most cases the blessing is experienced as powerful electric shocks that almost knock down the person or as strong vibrations flowing through the body. The blessing could also be experienced in several other ways like a physical deeksha process (much the same as what is generally felt after receiving a strong Deeksha). In almost all the cases so far, receiving the ‘Oneness Blessing’ from Sri Amma Bhagavan has immediately produced a shift in consciousness culminating in an altered state that is more or less permanent. Other results include mystical insights and a continuous ongoing Deeksha process within that takes you higher and higher towards love and joy.

We dasas would therefore humbly recommend that all Oneness Deeksha givers receive this great blessing directly from Sri Amma Bhagavan in your own homes daily. The blessing could ideally be taken four times a day i.e. 6:30 a.m., 12:00 noon, 6:30 p.m. and 12:00 midnight. The reason we are fixing up these timings is that when all deeksha givers pray and receive the blessing at the same time in their respective countries, the blessing comes forth very powerfully, since it becomes like a collective phenomenon that is happening at that time. This would also profoundly affect your own countries in a big way. The effects of receiving the ‘Oneness Blessing’ at the same time is clearly seen in the case of Indian Deeksha givers already. In case of being unable to receive the blessing all four times a day, please join whenever possible; at least two times a day.

At these times of the day, you could sit before the portrait of Sri Amma Bhagavan and invoke their divine presence. Having invoked their presence, you could develop a personal communion with them in your hearts and ask Sri Amma Bhagavan to give you the Oneness Blessing and awaken you to Oneness. In case you are experiencing some emotional disturbances some day owing to the charge in your emotions, you could pray that the charge in the emotion be removed and that you are awakened to Oneness.

Having prayed thus, gently touch the feet or the hands of Sri Amma Bhagavan and wait for some time with your hands on the srimurthi for the blessing to flow through (about a minute or more). You could first touch Sri Amma and then move on to touch Sri Bhagavan or vice-versa or you could choose to place your hands on both of their feet/hands simultaneously; please follow whatever comes to you naturally. Having received the blessing thus, you could thank Sri Amma Bhagavan and if possible move into shavasan and relax for some time. This blessing would come forth from all the portraits of Sri Amma Bhagavan, including the Sri Amma Bhagavan medallions/pendants.

We would be very happy to receive a feedback of your experiences with the ‘Oneness Blessing’

Because involving you in giving us feedback strengthens the delusions we are planting in your mind. We'd also be very happy to receive your dollars for our Hollywood feature film studio, err... efforts to spread our love all over the planet.

Ben Lee Goes Bonkers For Man Amma

File under: Gurus to the Stars and Satscams

Acclaimed Australian pop musician Ben Lee appears to have lost it over someone claiming to be yet another incarnation of the Divine Mother. We're reeling at the discovery of Amma Nariyani, the newest divine being to hit the Internets.

Please excuse our retching.

Amma Narayani, or Man Amma as we've just dubbed him, [Ed.note: Thanks, Fug girls.] appears to be a little bit Sai Baba, a little bit Ramakrishna, a bit more Ammachi and whole lot of superstitious Hindu nonsense. There's miracle mongering galore on his website:

At the appointed time when Narayani Amma asked the justices, police, and others to place their hands into the Yajña (ritual fire) pit, out came the Swayambu statue from the raw earth into the combined hands of the dignitaries and to the surprise of all the assembled people, who made a tumultuous uproar.

If we were an ambitious proto-guru in India, we'd imagine just such a stunt for our debut. Talk it up, get some important folks to attend, and rig a little show for everyone. Pay off those who see the truth—and away you go. Then all you've got to do is a bit of maintenance scamming, á la Sai Baba:

Today, one of Amma's siddhis (powers) is to manifest vibhuti (sacred ash) and small murtis (statues) of dieties from the palm of Her hand. Many people have witnessed these acts.

Of course. Just wait until they see what comes out of our dog's ass.

Sounding quite like a preacher in at an old time revival tent on a sultry Florida night, Man Amma plays up the same prudish morality whine all the Hindu godfolk subject us to:

Unwanted desires, anger, lust, demonic behaviour, selfishness and similar such negative qualities, deprive man of knowing his real nature and get him entangled further in the waves of delusion and resulting sufferings. In the big battle of life, man is confused and chases money for creature comforts, by doing several sinful acts; and in the process goes through several difficult situations and untold sufferings.

He adds that he (the Divine Mother) is here to help us with our "untold sufferings," and the more the merrier, to be sure. Incarnations of the Divine Mother are like that, you know. Note the inclusion of that old time religion bugaboo: demonic behavior. It's also convenient as an excuse when people stop believing he is God, and they will. The devotees who leave will get trashed as being demonic, so all stays right in the twisted little crack bliss addiction business Man Amma's got going.

But what the joy junkies don't know is that there's a shrewd plan being worked here. After all, Amma is named Amma. Rather than having to make an effort to promote himself as say, Rama; Man Amma just coasts on the coattails of Ammachi. All the best Indian avatars are doing it. And he's doing most of them one better by collecting rock star devotees. Those other Ammas better get on the stick before he pulls a Kaballatology on all of them.

We're afraid it's going to come down to a battle of lightning bolts out of their eyeballs. Until then, we'll be watching Man Amma and his mind-numbing, soul-destroying bliss-junkie factory. If we're right about him, his name will start turning up in the press soon enough.

Satsang With Ammachi—Part II, Mommy Speaks

File under: Satsang Reports and Amma All-Over-The-Planet

When Amma begins to speak, it’s in her native tongue. She goes on for about 10 minutes. We watch as people who don’t understand a single thing she is saying listen in rapture. When she stops, an Indian swami picks up with a “translation.” This goes for 3 rounds, Amma occasionally interrupting her swami with a clarification.

It starts out very psychological. The number one cause of our problems? Stress and tension. 80% of all disease is caused by tension. Tension is what makes you miserable. The solution? Unburden yourself in Amma.

This is brilliant psych ops and the primary reason people get something from an Amma hug. They believe they’ll get something, so they get something. It’s just like Benny Hinn. This isn’t to say there isn’t something good that comes out of a cathartic release of pain and sorrow. But it’s not by way of Amma’s magic shakti, it’s by way of the expectations of the devotee, conveniently set up by the swami just a moment ago. The "magic" is all in the suggestion.

What follows is essentially Hinduism Lite. Meditation will reduce your tension, but you need to make an effort to be successful. In other words, keep coming to us for instruction. He throws in an all-is-God’s-will and explains that grace completes effort, and that humility brings grace. Humility to the guru, of course.

Amma speaks a second time. The swami continues with a light critique of the modern world. Science is incomplete. We need spirituality in the world. Mental illness is caused by the lack of spirituality, neuro-psychology be damned.

He throws in a few digs at the world being the source of distraction from spirituality, and then the hard guru sell commences. It’s no different than any other hard guru sell we’ve heard. You can’t do it without the grace of a guru. The perfect master is necessary. The sat guru is like a booster rocket, etc.

The swami then insists that a true master makes us childlike, and that we must become children to come to spiritual understanding. Her children… We brace for the blast of astral breast milk we expect to pummel us any moment, but it doesn’t come! Kali has cut her off. We have saved North America from the loss of all adult maturity! Cool.

Amma speaks again. The swami rolls with a variation of the mind-body-spirit thing. This time it’s head, heart and hand. He continues by speaking about heart-to-heart communication. Thus begins the hippie portion of tonight’s talk. It’s all about love! People complain about their lives. What’s the problem? Not enough love. Got emotional problems? You can cure it with love! And guess what? Amma is love!

And then he says it. We didn’t get to write it down verbatim because we were utterly flabbergasted to hear it out loud. Amma’s love is just like milk! They’re completely out in the open with the conspiracy! The Ammabots just beam back at them, entirely oblivious to the machinations of their leaders!

A harmonium fires up, signaling the end of the talk. As we pull ourselves together after this jaw-dropping display of mind control prowess, we realize that Amma has omitted a huge portion of basic Indian religious hyperbole, that of the necessity of renunciation and asceticism on the spiritual path. This makes excellent marketing sense. We’re sure it comes a few lessons in if you decide to pursue your path at their center. But it’s way too off putting to tell first timers that they have to stop having sex if they aren’t married, and if they are, that they should only fuck for procreative purposes.

Next: Amma sings.

The One Where We Get Accurately Quoted On Salon.com

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

A few weeks ago we got a call from Erik Davis, a chronicler of those sorts of things we find ourselves interested in. He wanted to know what we thought of Amma, so we told him:

As a fan of alt-dolls and vinyl figures, I'd have to say the Amma dolls are pretty cool. But for some observers of the spiritual scene, they incarnate nothing so much as spiritual infantilism. Jody Radzik, a 48-year-old graphic designer who writes the muckraking and funny Guruphiliac blog, calls Amma a "space mommy," which he defines as a guru who fulfills "the function of a cosmic parent for insecure, self-loathing devotees." A "spiritually informed skeptic," Radzik nonetheless considers himself a devotee of Kali and a follower of Vedanta, the non-dualist summa of Hindu thought. "Vivekananda described Vedanta very simply. Everyone is God. That means that a single person can't be more god than any other person. Gurus like Amma pay lip service to the Vedanta while also presenting themselves as special beings who wield magic powers because of their divinity. But self-realization is the opposite of magic -- it's the most mundane thing in their world. It's always right there right on the end of your nose. These gurus have people looking everywhere but the tip of their nose."

Actually, we said a whole lot more than that, but Erik did a pretty good job distilling our rhetoric down to the essentials.

But we certainly don't think that every Ammabot is an "insecure, self-loathing" devotee; just those who believe she can solve all their problems with a perfume-saturated hug:

Amma herself seems to wear her robes lightly; she is a cheery woman of little education who makes no divine claims and carries an air of good-humored humility. But the lore that surrounds her -- much of which derives directly from her tight-knit group of core disciples -- is redolent with the miraculous. Many devotees, East and West, believe that Amma's divine shakti can give them children, or fix their marriages, or make them money. One of the first Amma videos that comes up on YouTube shows a reenactment of a young Amma miraculously transforming water into pudding.

You can't go back to the womb, folks, and Mommy's magic is nothing more than your own power projected onto a spiritual authority figure. Stand up on your own two feet and make your own way though life. It's what you're all doing anyway, despite your self-inflicted beliefs to the contrary. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Remember that and know that you are every single bit as divine as Amma.

Every. Single. Bit.

Amma Goes Low-Key For 52

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

Surprisingly enough, Ammachi is going low-key this year for her 52nd birthday. This is in stark contrast to the excessive grandiosity on display at her 50th birthday, which has it own website and pulled about 100,000 people a day for the 3-day bash.

We weren't sure why Amma was scaling back so much, so we put the question to the Gal upstairs. She told us that She is sick and tired of Amma constantly trying to upstage Her, so She put a permanent governor on Amma's astral milk supply. The restricted flow is only sufficient to pull a couple thousand at best. Amma is on probation until Kali begins to receive the credit for the miracles Amma and her swamis have been attributing to Amma instead.

It would be a welcome improvement to hear her organization talking about God without invoking Amma's name every single time. Maybe her reduced milk quota will help Amma to catch a clue and persuade her to pay more than lip service to her own Creator and the whole reason she got into the guru business in the first place.

Ammachi Goongate: Mommy Hates Green Avenue

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet and Ammachi's Goongate

It's been just about 3 months since people who live in Ammachi's New Delhi ashram put a major beatdown on the residents of the Green Avenue neighborhood next door. Other than a couple of half-assed letters from a "concerned" devotee, absolutely nothing has been done while the ashramites continue to break the law by maintaining an illegal sign. Since the local police seem to be in Mommy's back pocket (perhaps with their hands in Mommy's purse), they've been 100% ineffectual at bringing any justice or closure to the situation.

While her Kool-Aid numbed devotees here in the States can't believe it's true, the Green Avenue folks were lucky to escape with their lives. That's how Amma's love seems to work in India. If you can't get with her, you are going to get your ass beat to a pulp if you get in her way.

In the interest of keeping information about this horrible manifestation of cult violence out in the open, here is a brief chronology of exactly went down when Ammachi's love was delivered with canes and crowbars:

1. Ashramites put up the original sign for Amma's visit on March 23 - 24, 2007. This was in violation of the local sign covenant, yet the Green Avenue residents decided to allow the ashramites to display the sign for the duration of the visit.

2. Amma's visit ends on March 30, 2007.

3. Green Ave. makes first contact with Amma's ashram about taking the sign down.

4. On April 2, 2007, an association staffer was sent to the ashram to request them to remove the board. He volunteered to bring it down himself and deliver it to the ashram. Rasamrita, the lady in charge, rudely turned him away. He was warned of dire consequences if anyone dared touch the board because Amma was revisiting Delhi next week. When Green Avenue confirmed from their ashram contacts that Amma "returning next week" was a lie, the association decided to remove the board themselves.

5. The Green Ave. association sends a message to the ashram by the association president, Mr. Romesh Bhandari, explaining that there are a couple of schools, 2 Indian temples, a church, as well as 5 ambassadors living down the road, each wanting to put up their direction boards. None of these had been allowed, making it clear to the ashram that they were in violation of the same rules and that they should abide as the other parties had done.

6. On April, 19, 2007, at about 8 PM, at least 20 men and women had accumulated at the street corner along with some workers. They insisted upon putting up a fresh sign and were about to get violent when they were stopped. This led to a retreat by the Green Avenue staffers.

7. Green Ave. resident Ashwani Khurana went to get the board removed early the next morning along with another resident and some staff when the vicious, premeditated attack occurred.

8. When police refused to act against the violators, Green Ave. decided to organize a peaceful protest on April, 29, 2007. Over 500 people attended and it was widely covered by the top TV channels, newspapers and Society magazine among others.

9. On May 30, 2007, the controversial sign, now with the red scarves tied on it to whip the Amma ashramites into a violent frenzy, was discreetly removed.

10. A new sign was fixed 2 days later under police protection, still in violation of the local law. Ironically, as per court orders, the police are supposed to enforce the law and ensure no illegal boards are put up.

11. There has been no official response or even the slightest bit of recognition from Amma's home office in Kerala or the screeching harridan who runs her ashram in New Delhi.

Ammachi's head-jammed-in-the-sand strategy reminds us of a 3-year-old with her fingers stuck in her ears, saying, "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, I can't hear you". Or perhaps she has simply lost control of her organization altogether.

Whatever the reason, it seems to prove that Mommy's love is thinly-disguised hatred in New Delhi. If you don't fall in line with the wishes of her org – as illegal as they may be – you better learn to bob and weave, because you may find yourself having to avoid the flying iron and wood being wielded by a bus-load of Amma's goons.

Ammachi: It Only Gets Worse

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet and Ammachi's Goongate

Just when you thought you'd heard it all, like Ammachi turning out to be, at the very least, aligned with the people and goals of the radical, racist, Hindu nationalist right; and at worst, a foaming-at-the-mouth radical nationalist herself; her org goes one up from even that after the residents of one of her ashrams got all gangsta' on the residents of the Green Avenue neighborhood outside New Delhi, India, a few months ago:

"A bus loaded with about 40-50 goondas armed with lathis and iron rods came out of the bus and attacked us. The goons snatched our mobile phones and a lady ashramite tore her clothes and threatened us that's she'd tell the police we molested her."

We especially love the false "rape" charges threat. Way to work that satya yama, lady!

And believe it or not, it gets much worse:

"The holligans started shouting, 'we will kill the bald man' and charged vengefully screaming at [the bald man] to get out of the way"

This was after they has already trashed a golf cart and more than a couple of the Green Ave. residents, along with their security guard.

Apparently, the ashramites had put up a sign for Amma's visit, which the Green Ave. residents were fine with. But after Amma's visit, the residents wanted the sign down as it was in breach of the local covenant. After a long period without response from Amma's folks, the residents took it upon themselves to remove the sign. When they showed up to do so, the ashramites attending the sign made a few phone calls. Soon afterward, a bus showed up with 50 goons and Amma's love came at the Green Ave. residents with canes and crow bars.

Of course, the cops did absolutely nothing. They are probably owned by the membership of the RSS... and possibly included in Amma's muscle in this case.

What we can't figure out is if this is an example of Amma's love in action, or a symptom of not enough of Amma's love. If it is Amma's love, it's certainly much more of a tough love than folks in the States are aware of. If it's an example of not enough love, then we need to be taking a look at treatment options for these folks' obviously imbalanced hug addiction.

Amma: A Two-Faced Mommy?

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

Amma continues to hug thousands at her San Ramon, California retreat center. A report in the San Francisco Chronicle compares her favorably to various disgraced gurus of the past. [Ed.note: A clever way to sneak in some promotion in an "objective" news report.] But the same article also uncovers an underlying hypocrisy in Amma's public presentation:

Many followers see Amma as an avatar, a deity come to Earth.

Her own literature calls her "a phenomenon that happens once in 1,000 years"...

"I don't have any claims," she said, giggling... "Everyone is an avatar," she said. "Everyone is self-realized. Everyone is enlightened...

Is Amma so naive as to not notice that everyone around her thinks she is God, and that it's printed in her literature? We're convinced that Amma knows this truth: were she truly sincere in her proclamations and actually sought to chill the claims of her divinity, she'd put herself right out of business. Amma and her people know full well that it is exactly these claims about her divinity that keep people (and their donations) coming.

We've determined that the milk management puja is holding, so anyone wishing to remain an adult can breathe a sigh of relief. Meanwhile, the thousands getting hugs continue to regress, but only up until the point they can continue to hold their jobs. Devotees who are not capable of holding credit cards and making purchases in her bookstall just aren't that much use at an Amma center. At the very least, they've got to be able to cover the costs of their own baby-sitting.

Amma's March—Stage 4: Invade The Media

File under: Amma-All-Over The Planet

The pace of Amma's world domination campaign has quickened once more. She's converted high-placed military personnel, controlled machines remotely, launched her own television network and even saved the U.S. from the ravages of a recent solar eclipse.

Now she appears to be taking over the news media in India. That's the only explanation for this puff piece, obviously written by an Ammabot inside the Deccan Herald in Bangalore, India. All the elements favored by Ammabots are featured:

• Feeling more and more obsessed with Amma
• Believing in miraculous events and healings
• Bragging of Amma's achievements in the world
• Getting motherly advice for any and all problems
• Being called children no matter what their age

With the advent of Amma's 2005 North American Tour comes the danger of a massive exposure to Amma's mind-corroding astral breast milk. Guruphiliac associates—shamans, tantrikas and wizards—are all working feverishly on the development of an anti-astral breast milk device or shield. We believe we may have some success with a combination of lysergic acid and ancient mantras found in a mystical box frozen deep in the Antarctic ice pack, recently unearthed by a Russian research crew. However, it must be tested in Amma's presence, and we have decided to take this burden on ourselves.

Stay tuned for further developments in Amma's march to rule the world and our efforts to prevent the wholesale conversion of the North American population into feeble-minded Ammabots.

Reasons To Leave Ammachi

File under: Amma-All-Over-The-Planet and Satscams

These are the reasons Gail Tredwell, Amritananda Mayi's (Ammachi's) closest personal assistant for 20 years, felt she needed to escape the ashram:

1. Loss of faith
   
2. Not happy for years
   
3. No harmony amongst seniors
   
4. No manners from the seniors
   
5. Too much politics between the seniors
   
6. No love between the seniors
   
7. I felt extremely unloved
   
8. And unsupported
   
9. And untrusted
   
10. Absolutely worn out on every level
    
11. Too much stress
    
12. Routine too gruelling
    
13. Never any concern given for physical well being nor emotions which are also a very important part of spirituality
    
14. Partiality shown between the men and women, east and west, rich and poor
    
15. Swamis arrogance, back stabbing, cruelty, hatred, power struggles.
    
16. Amma's obvious favouritism towards them
    
17. Giving too much money and gold to her family members and at the same time denied Suneeti private hospitalisation.
    
18. Too many secret things going on.
    
19. Too much scheming, plotting, planning and suspicion
    
20. No sweet spiritual feeling of love or compassion from amma behind the scenes only anger, gossip, criticism, revenge, suspicion, business, violence or secret meetings with the swamis.
    
21. Terrorism - in a subtle sense not with guns or anything.
    
22. Violence (mental, emotional, psychological and physical.
    
23. Horrible yelling and shrieking like a demon
    
24. Constant accusing me of being a good for nothing and always angry at me which always would make my guts cringe and constantly putting me down.
    
25. Not allowed to feel happy, if you do you should be guilty
    
26. Guilt if you rest, laugh, take care of your body
    
27. Money, money, money that is the main aim and you are good if you try and make as much as you can for the ashram even if you squeeze. Amma used to praise people for this
    
28. Lying, cheating
    
29. Copying from other writers and books then using amma's name on them and calling it her teachings. Also none of the speeches which were made at U.N. or Chicago were her own, they were Swamijis from some books or possibly his head that I don't know.
    
30. Having to tell untrue miracles in talks, she herself would make them up for us.
    
31. Worn out from heat and crowds and the culture of India, also the jail like lifestyle in the Indian ashram
    
32. Suppressed and oppress and even hit and abused constantly by the swamis.
    
33. Too many institutions and projects but not enough capable people to run them, therefore endless problems which would then fall on my head.
    
34. Never been understood, or acknowledges for any participation which I had in the ashram. Never been considered in any major decisions to be made even if it was which girls should get yellow. Even that swamiji would try and decide, until I would put my foot down.
    
35. Not enough protection given to girls sent to branches. Just go! Whether they have a place to stay or not no problem, whether they are by themselves in a huge school overnight, no problem.
    
36. No questions allowed. Just shut your mouth or you will be considered for treason, betrayal and a cheat, you are unloyal to amma and the ashram.
    
37. Scandalous the way the flats have been built, so much money charged, no maintenance even though the people pay the same. D block has been built right in the face of A and B. The buildings were not even finished properly with cracks everywhere and sloppy cement everywhere. Plumbing stinks and leaks all over the steps. Try and maintain and keep clean the existing ones before starting more skyscrapers.
    
38. The residents i.e. Indian are not fed properly. They are also overworked. Even amma would criticize that some girls were drinking milk, she would tell to sell all the fruit and not to give the residents. I would still give it now and then. They all look so anemic.
    
39. Amma's obvious revenge and hatred towards anybody who has left the ashram. Getting even with them, not allowing them to move on or get a job `let them suffer for a while' her famous quote. Where is understanding and forgiveness, compassion that she teaches so strongly about. Okay, yes she doesn't want to encourage anybody to leave but is keeping them in the ashram by fear of the future or the consequences healthy.
    
40. Only Hinduism is any good, narrow minded attitude of the swamis against Christianity. Only your guru (Ammachi) is any good.
    

As some of you may suspect, we are not surprised by any of this. The org could not have grown as much as it has without a ruthless monster at its head.

Ammachi is no Kali, she is Godzilla.

Pissing On The Peedam

File under: Gurubusting, Satscams and The Siddhi of PR

At the expense of bringing this entirely ordinary con man a bit more attention, we bring you the bald-faced and completely unapologetic miracle mongering of that fake shakti working a name used by at least 4 other big-time gurus:

One day the headmaster called Amma and said he had heard that Amma could materialize things and said to Amma, "You must materialize something for me right now." On hearing this Amma materialized a chocolate for the head master who being a science teacher was flabbergasted. After that day he did not say anything to Amma...

He said that Lord Murugan would not forgive him if he broke his ritual on the last day. Amma laughed and persuaded my husband to take a bite of the rice ball insisting that Lord Murugan will understand. When he did, his teeth clicked on something metallic inside the rice ball. Alarmed with fear, he dispersed the rice ball. What did he see?, a smiling Murugan statue with His bestowing hand showing “fear-not!”...

Two weeks after they received Amma's blessings, more blood tests were done and the hospital doctors were surprised that the results now showed a negative for HIV. Further tests thereafter confirmed that she was no longer HIV positive and was discharged from the hospital. Till today, she is still leading a healthy and normal life.

From a child with some sleight-of-hand skills to a full-fledged con man putting small statues into rice and spinning a mis-diagnosis as a miracle AIDS cure, "Amma" Narayani appears to be an 100% authentic criminal scam artist in the style of Sai Baba and Kalki Bhagavan. Unfortunately, he's got a bright future ahead of him preying on the swarms of uncritically-thinking nincompoops who flock to this sort of bullshit.

But fear not, kind readers: we've got our teaspoon, we see the ocean, we'll just keep scooping.

UPDATE: Ammabot Gang Slanders On Full Auto

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet, Gurubusting and The Siddhi of PR

Joining the Cult of the Hugging Saint is like joining the Eight-Trey Gangsta' Crips, 'cause you're in it for life, Cuzz. If you do decide to get out, you better be ready for some South-Central L.A., Boyz 'N The Hood-style drive-by character assassination:

I became an ex-Amma devotee over a year ago, and these people are still talking about me and trying to ruin my name. I was mortified when someone sent me a link to the group and suggested I take a look at the prayer list and there were the names of my partner and I. I posted that I would like to be removed from the prayer list, and this infuriated her devotees.

Both my partner and I work with at-risk youth, most of whom have life threatening drug addictions. In most of our work (she is a clinical therapist and I am a volunteer) we still use our "spiritual" names and we are known within the community by these names. It recently was brought to my attention that in the Ammachi forum they were posting slanderous remarks that I am a drug addict. I don't even know who these people are, as I have never associated socially with devotees even when I was one. You can imagine the negative impact this type of libel could have on both of our work. If any of our clients happened to Google our names and read all of these false rumors of drug addiction, the end result would be a disaster. I have requested that these posts be removed immediately, but the moderator so far has refused to take action...

This type of behavior is also indicative of the way they try to malign people who leave the cult. This is why most ex-devotees leave silently with their tail between their legs and you never hear from them. I am not one of those people, and I plan to raise holy hell in any and every way possible for every minor and major issue that arises from the sickness that is Amma.

So here we have another stellar example of Amma's love in action. Ourselves being the victim of an almost identical slander and libel campaign online, we can relate. Unfortunately, it appears that only lawyers billing hundreds of dollars to draft letters, motions and subpoenas seem to get anything done with the big context providers these days. Until you are willing to shell out those kind of shekels, you just have to learn to suck it up and take it.

Ah, the joys of online living, brought to you this time by the Goddess of "Love" and her (not the funny kind of) hysterical minions.

Update: The CHS Dope-Ay Rollin' Ignorant gang is still on the attack:

Over the past two days, I have received no less than 20 e-mails from devotees, most of them anonymous. Of all of these e-mails, three of them threatened physical harm to myself and my family, they claimed to know where I live and one claimed that they could easily find out personal information on me from my old Amma retreat registrations. The gist of this was that basically Amma "protects" her devotees and that I am slandering Amma by speaking up about these people launching character assassination on me.

I've also received e-mails accusing me of being a fanatic and wanting to know why I am visiting the Amma Yahoo groups if I am no longer a devotee. As I explained, I visited this group when I was told that they were involving me in their prayer list and making accusations of drug addiction. The Cult Of The Hugging Saint website has also had to delete handfuls of e-mails regarding this situation. As you can see, the typical reaction of devotees towards those who speak up is in full swing.

The new theme song of the Ammachi org:

Satsang With Ammachi—Part III, Mommy Sings

File under: Satsang Reports and Amma All-Over-The-Planet

The strains of the harmonium are joined by the tabla and other common kirtan instruments. The bhajan has begun. It’s standard call and response kirtan singing with Amma in the lead. Not the prettiest, yet not the lousiest voice to listen to. We imagine it’s nectar to the ears of the Ammabots, but then she could croak like a toad and they’d still think it was the music of celestial spheres.

9 songs are performed, all with cheesy Western synth lines added in addition to their traditional arrangements. This embellishment is more pollution than improvement to our ears, but it does make it sound a lot more like a Bollywood movie soundtrack. It almost seems hip, but the effect is ruined by the bad pop rock ballad-quality of the synth arrangement.

As the Ammabots sing, sway and dance, we’re tired, hungry and somewhat impatient. We watch as the hippie contingent begin to dance on the sidelines. We see two young lesbians holding hands with no apparent fear of judgment. A definite three-star moment for this satsang.

Some people dance with their palms raised and facing Amma. We imagine we see some looks of confusion. The milk infusion isn’t coming. Where’s the love, Amma? We smile inside at our little imaginary victory over the supercell of occluding ideology known as an Ammachi satsang.

Three video cameras capture all the blistering action on stage, which is lit by 19 halogen lamps overhead. We wonder if there’s any significance to the number. Given Amma’s penchant for superstition, we conclude there probably is. Plus, she looks that much more divine under that intense purplish-white light in her reflective all-white garb.


We quickly sneak a photograph of it all, although by the looks we're getting we suspect it's a no-no.

A quickening of the music brings an amplification of the hippies’ devotional displays. This results in a thumping of the floor and the disapproving stares of those seated near where hippies dance. One dreadlocked man is doing the Krishna: hands raised, palms limp, body slowly spinning, head hanging back just a little bit behind the waist.

But the whole thing is starting to look a lot more Vegas than Vrindaban to us. The Bollywood factor has intensified over the last 3 songs, and now Amma is singing a bhajan in Spanish in a nod to the local Hispanic population. Too bad there are only about 5 of them at the satsang. Most of those folk are down with the Pope around here, and he would definitely not approve of this.

By this time we are almost bored, which is a very rare thing in our lives. We decide to meditate a bit. Suddenly, the 19 mystical halogen lights go out. Another arati to Amma is performed, complete with more cheesy Western synth music, upping the Vegas-factor yet another two notches. But it appears the music is finally over. We look around and put the attrition rate at about 20%, but we’ve stuck it out. Having performed our tapas by enduring the bhajan, we are now certainly deserving of the hug soon to come.

Next: the extremely sweet (smelling) bosom of Amma.

Satsang With Ammachi—Part I, Mommy Swans

File under: Satsang Reports and Amma All-Over-The-Planet

We are happy to report that we seem to have retained our relative maturity (approximately 23 years old) after a direct encounter with that lactescent heaven-on-Earth, the bosom of Amma.

We arrive at the hotel conference room after an hour’s drive and find a seat next to a woman dressed in orange. We notice this mainly because a majority of people are dressed in white or light cream colors, including the people serving as ushers, referred to as "helpers" here. They all have an added dash of color in the form of a red or green scarf. We surmise this to be some kind of Ammabot color-coding. We ask one of the helpers for a token, and he asks if we’ve already received darshan today. We haven’t, and so we end up in group 301-400.

Back at our seat, we begin to notice some things. First off, the female to male ratio is at least 3 to 1. Wheels start to turn, but because we've got a job to do, [Ed.note: And being the total losers we are.] those wheels quickly come to a grinding halt. But it’s a pleasant way to pass the time—watching the pretty shaktis flitter about as they socialize. We also notice that the vibe is equally pleasant. It’s quite mellow for the most part, with a just a touch of a shrill crust around the edges where the helpers are hovering and the commerce is occurring. At a rave we'd call it a 'good' crowd.

People begin to gather at the forward entrance of the room where Amma will appear. As they cluster they begin to chant, slowly and softly. A few minutes of this brings an entrained befuddlement to the mind. The psych ops have begun.

This goes on for an effective 10-15 minutes, and some of the Ammabots are swaying in unison by the time another party of chanters is heard in the entryway, some of them blowing conches. The waiting devotees kick their chant up to match.

With people standing on chairs in front of us, it’s hard to see what’s going on. But when priests start chanting the arati mantras and people start to laugh, we know Amma has entered the room and is already working the crowd. She and her retinue proceed to the dais as video cameras record the procession, where they all settle in for the evening's program along with the crowd.

A 20-something American male who lives at an Amma ashram in India begins to speak. Right away he tells us that Amma is the complete embodiment of all love, peace and beauty in the world. All the Ammabots nod their heads.

Self-effacing and self-important at the same time, the speaker is getting folks to laugh at his ignorant ways, before he met Amma. Now it’s all peace, love and beauty, of course. He then proceeds to associate the Atman with beauty. As Shankara rolls in his grave, the devotees lap it up like kittens at a dish of milk, unaware of the occluding nonsense that has begun to infect their minds.

Next: Amma speaks.

Amma's Invasion—Stage Five: The Movie

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

We were not surprised to find the Cannes Film Festival to be the next launching point for another stage of Amma's march toward complete global domination. Darshan - The Embrace is a documentary extracted from the astral milk-soaked brain of filmmaker Jan Kounen. Kounen began his film during Amma's 50th birthday celebration—and obviously flipped from exposure to the mind-destroying properties of her ABM—he continued to film Amma and her mother-mongering Ammabots as they seek to turn the entire population of the planet into infantile members of her 'family.'

We're always impressed by the thoroughness of the Ammabots. They are spreading out into the mediasphere like lice at a refuge camp. The crescendo is building for the final push of the North American Tour, where Amma is expected to turn the corner and capture the minds of millions more.

Guruphiliac associates attempting to counter Amma's attack have been unable to recover the mystical box of ancient mantras found in the Antarctic ice pack. It seems one of the Russian research crew who had recovered the box was already Ammaified and managed to jump overboard with the box in hand. Both have been lost at the bottom of an ocean canyon, and all deep sea exploration vehicles are presently unavailable for a salvage operation. All we have to work with now is our wits, the lysergic acid and whatever mantras we can develop on our own.

With just weeks to go before she makes her landing, it's not looking good for adults wishing to preserve their status as all grown up in the U.S. In a related development, it appears that sales of pacifiers have risen 38% over the last two weeks. The beginning of the summer rave season only accounts for 3% of the increase, so this is probably another harbinger of the impending loss of all adult maturity in North America with Amma's arrival.

Pop Star's BSing Guru Can't Keep It Up

File under: Gurus to the Stars, Satscams and The Siddhi of PR

Since he's appearing in the San Francisco Bay Area on Nov. 3rd, Australian pop singer Ben Lee has been getting press in the local news. And when Ben Lee gets press, so does his flimflamming fauxru, Narayani Amma, aka "Man Amma":

As soon as I met Amma, he said, 'Where's your guitar?' although I'd never told him I was a musician. And he said, 'When humans are born, the reason we're here is to do service. So what will Ben's service be?'"

"And Amma said, 'Music. Ben's service is music. But has Ben ever been Top 10?'" Lee says. "And it was so funny to see this religious Indian man sitting there, even knowing the phrase 'Top 10.'

"So I started laughing and said, 'No, I'm not that successful.' And he replied, 'Ben will put the message of joy into music, and Amma will bless Ben to be Top 10.'"

You bet Man Amma knows what "Top 10" means. It means the sweet, sweet sound of "cha-CHING" and many new dollars finding their way into his org's bank account.

Amazingly enough, Lee's new album, Ripe, debuted at number 8 on Billboard's Top Heatseekers chart last week. But Man Amma's "powers" of magical pop sales persuasion appear to be somewhat lacking at the moment, because Ripe dropped like America's credibility as a democracy to number 39 in its second week.

Rabbi Raps Amma In Hotel Labor Dispute

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet and The Siddhi of PR

She may have (purportedly) dumped millions into tsunami relief in India, but it appears Amma doesn't much care about the working poor in the United States:

Amma arrives in Los Angeles Sunday as part of a ten-city U.S. tour, and will spend five days at the LAX Hilton. The second-largest hotel in Southern California, the LAX Hilton is the subject of a boycott [over the hotel's union-busting tactics] endorsed by dozens of elected officials and religious and community leaders throughout the state.

Included in this group is Rabbi Michael Lerner, the editor of Tikkun Magazine and a leader of the progressive Jewish community in Southern California. Amma wanted to present him with an award, ostensibly to honor his work as a spiritual leader, but probably because her people saw his community as a big, fat, juicy target for their own fundraising efforts. That ain't gonna happen now:

Amma, there is no possibility of creating a more loving and caring world that I know you are so committed to so long as spiritual leaders like yourself fail to link spiritual ideals to concrete social justice for poor and working people.

Oh, smack!

And this spiritual conflagration is only just getting started. Get ready for a raucous protest by the striking hotel workers upon Amma's arrival, which is probably going down as we write this. It will probably be the first time she has had to face a crowd which reviles her. And seeing the abject hypocrisy of her refusal to relocate her event to support the less fortunate, this certainly won't be the last time we hear about it.

She's Not Perfect, World Still Turns

File under Amma All-Over-The-Planet, Hands Where They Don't Belong, and The Siddhi of PR

You didn't know this, because Amma's little helpers are very efficient at disappearing the truth:

Rishi Taavi Kassila, top promoter, tour organizer, meditation instructor and ashram resident of the Amma Mata Amritanandamayi Devi Hugging Saint cult [in Finland] has been accused of sex addiction, abuse and dishonesty. Embarrassing testimony, posted by authenticated witnesses, challenged Kassila to defend himself in court. Publicly, the Amma cult responded with a single online statement denying their connection to the accused, Taavi Kassila. Secretly, Amma's helpers were scrubbing their internet servers, erasing all evidence of Taavi Kassila's long history of public service within the Amma cult.

While it maybe not be the fault of the hugging devi herself that her org's leader in Finland allegedly got handsy with the devotees, it's certainly her fault to order a coverup. What does this prove? That Amma is a businesswoman first and foremost, and that she and her org went into high gear to protect their source of revenue. The truth, meanwhile, gets hacked to death and left in a ditch to die.