Amma's March—Stage 4: Invade The Media

File under: Amma-All-Over The Planet

The pace of Amma's world domination campaign has quickened once more. She's converted high-placed military personnel, controlled machines remotely, launched her own television network and even saved the U.S. from the ravages of a recent solar eclipse.

Now she appears to be taking over the news media in India. That's the only explanation for this puff piece, obviously written by an Ammabot inside the Deccan Herald in Bangalore, India. All the elements favored by Ammabots are featured:

• Feeling more and more obsessed with Amma
• Believing in miraculous events and healings
• Bragging of Amma's achievements in the world
• Getting motherly advice for any and all problems
• Being called children no matter what their age

With the advent of Amma's 2005 North American Tour comes the danger of a massive exposure to Amma's mind-corroding astral breast milk. Guruphiliac associates—shamans, tantrikas and wizards—are all working feverishly on the development of an anti-astral breast milk device or shield. We believe we may have some success with a combination of lysergic acid and ancient mantras found in a mystical box frozen deep in the Antarctic ice pack, recently unearthed by a Russian research crew. However, it must be tested in Amma's presence, and we have decided to take this burden on ourselves.

Stay tuned for further developments in Amma's march to rule the world and our efforts to prevent the wholesale conversion of the North American population into feeble-minded Ammabots.

Baby Berg Flops At Rock Show

File under: Satscams

Yehuda Berg, author of The Power of Kabbalah and son of Philip "The Rav" Berg, founder of the Kabbalah Center, flopped on stage while giving a lecture after a rock show in LA.

Well, of course he did. There weren't any young children there to fall under the spell of his Zohar-powered aura. And we seriously doubt it has one hundredth of the wattage of his dad's anyway.

The "Yeh" has got to leave the recruitment to the Rav, and they need to be working water slides, playgrounds, school assemblies, etc., instead of rock shows. Those kids are too old to be lured by the Rav's kid-sucking soul power. Plus, there are no parents around to be fleeced in exchange for their children and a silly red string. All-in-all, a big waste of time for all involved.

By way of [Cult News]

Carlos And His Gurus: Book II

File under: Gurus to the Stars and Satscams

We're deluged with (and secretly delighted by) the news that a Santana Band member is suing Carlos because he was fired for not "calibrating" well according to Santana's guru, Dr. Dan:

Bruce Kuhlman, 59, said Santana's wife, Deborah, went on a campaign to terminate him after her spiritual guru, "Dr. Dan," determined through "calibration" tests that Kuhlman was too old to become enlightened, the lawsuit, filed on April 13, said.

Too old to become enlightened? That's a first. It's probably closer to: too old to be duped by Dr. Dan's poop.

Dr. Dan also appears to be stacking the Santanas' staff with female employees:

Kuhlman said Deborah Santana hired three new employees—all of them female—after asking Dr. Dan to "calibrate" them over the telephone.

So smooth! Charge for all those "calibrations" and increase the number of women who might be available for "special" calibrations.

Obviously, this is bad publicity for Carlos and his wife. They've already been through one guru tragedy. Now they've fallen for this quack, and it's going to cost them a lot more than what they've already overpayed for Dr. Dan's services.

It's the Santanas' common sense that could use some calibration here. They're 0 for 2 with gurus at the moment. Someone should get to them quickly with a clue about their inner guru before this trainwreck gets any worse, and those much more relevant pop stars Carlos has been working with abandon him—taking most of the popularity he currently enjoys with them.

Beating The Bad Karma Away

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

A couple of ex-disciples of Aum guru Shoko Asahara have been convicted in the beating death of a new recruit for an Aum breakaway group. Yoko Takahashi gets six years, and her partner who flipped: a 3-year suspended sentence.

Apparently, they beat the woman to death with bamboo swords, while they were on drugs. An accepted practice among Aum folk, along with various other methods of torture. It's all to facilitate the dropping of bad karma, they say.

No wonder seemingly intelligent people followed Asahara right into prison. After going through all that, they had way too much invested to just leave at the prospect of mere mass murder.

The idea that a beating and torture will remove bad karma is just the sort of infantile reasoning you'd expect from the diaper-clad jailbird. Either that, or it was a frighteningly Machiavellian method of mind-control. Or maybe it was both. They just regress so fast these days.

By way of [ReligionNewsBlog]

Rabbi Berg's Kiddie Control

File under: Satscams

Up until now, we weren't interested in Rabbi Philip S. Berg and the Kabbalah Centre outside the sizzling reports of famous devotees finding more quakery with which to treat their terminal insecurity. But this article in the Village Voice has alerted us to the fact there's another "divine" being on the loose in the world, and he bears the mark of the dollar sign. Your dollars sign.

Sure, another spiritual pyramid scam. No big deal. Those grow like weeds. But then we read this:

Once, [a devotee] brought their grade-school daughter to meet the Rav. "When she came home she said, 'Mommy, you should see his soul,'" Waterman, in her early 40s, recalls. "I asked her what she was talking about. She told me Rabbi Berg had a beautiful soul. It was very eerie. I said to her father, 'Children don't see souls. I don't want her near there again.'"

What is especially hideous and disconcerting is that this will play right into the heads of the Berg-afflicted: 'Of course she saw his soul! Kids are pure and can see the Rav's purity too!' Oy vey!

The Rav's mystical powers over children portend the arrival of a whole new avenue in devotee collection. We can see him now, holding children hostage in his bliss-giving light, beckoning to their parents with a serene countenance, right hand raised in that universal gesture–'where's the loot?' Parents, helpless to resist, reach for their wallets and get their red string, now Bergified into stupidity"The Light" and a life of co-dependencejoyous living in another satscam.

Satsang By Text Message

File under: Gurutainment

Sadhana TV in India is offering the wisdom of a panel of 40 gurus by SMS text messaging. Viewers can send a question to their favorite Sadhana TV guru and receive their answer—all by text messaging over their mobile phone. Managing Director Rakesh Gupta says they're already getting over 20,000 messages a day.

That averages out to about 500 answers a day for each guru, evenly distributed. But since some of the gurus are surely more popular, they could find themselves answering thousands of text message requests a day.

Of course this is no problem for a real guru. S/he can easily answer 100,000 requests a day. We imagine a room full of phones buzzing with messages, with the masterful gurus psychokinetically controlling hundreds of them at once—and never breaking a sweat doing it.

Unfortunately, it's probably more like a telemarketing boiler room, with rows and rows of cubicles filled with the "associates" of the gurus hunched over their keyboards, typing as fast as they can the "wisdom" they read off a laminated card in front of them.

Hot Nude Yoga Guru Gets Off

File under: Queer Gurudom

We're not kidding when we say that the next great frontier in the evolution of religion is queer spirituality. As the culture of fear and shame promulgated by traditional views of sexual morality continues to slide toward oblivion, its replacement is a vibrant and vital new paradigm of love, understanding and acceptance of diversity in sexual orientation and spirituality.

Leading the way is Aaron Star, the founder of Hot Nude Yoga, which is exactly what it sounds like. While there is no actual sexual contact during a hot nude yoga session, it still gets pretty hot all the same. We imagine it can get even hotter after class.

While it may have the ancient Rishis and Acharyas spinning in their graves at 69,000 RPM, we see the significant yet still largely unexplored link between sexuality and spirituality getting a workout with Mr. Star's approach to yoga. Just because it doesn't fit into the more traditional ways in which yoga is practiced doesn't mean it can't carve out its own niche as an authentic avenue to psycho-spiritual well-being for those who enjoy it.

Besides, anything hot and nude always gets our seal of approval, as long as nobody is getting hurt and the intention is right. We see no reason why this approach won't engender the same results as any other, only with lots more hot, sweaty and nude boy body yoga action, and perhaps a lot more "practice" after class as well.

Diaper Cult In Russia?

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

TASS reports there's still a flock of 300 followers of Aum guru Shoko Asahara hanging on in Russia. With their leader now out of the closet with his diaper fetish, we see an opportunity for the maker of Depends to finally get that foothold they've wanted in the former Soviet East.

Oasis TV: Guruvision In LA

File under: Gurutainment and The Great While Botherhood

A veritable fountain of New Age™ gurudom is bubbling over at Oasis TV. Notice the deep diversity of teachers and preceptors offering their wisdom. From the revered Alan Watts, one of the greats of the 60s, to the reviled Benjamin Creme of today—the insanely deluded Dr. Evil of the Great White Botherhood, but with hair.

Since we don't live in LA, where Oasis TV is available on cable, we won't have a chance to catch Alan demonstrate the "power of weakness." But we do believe someone needs to catch Benjamin Creme and stuff a clue in his mouth. He's been braying about the appearance of Maitreya for so long that we hear the "World Teacher" isn't going to show up at all anymore. The poor thing just doesn't feel he can live up to the expectations.

While we wait for Ben to catch up with reality [Ed.note: About as likely as our recovering those chunks of drug-ablated grey matter,] we'll be keeping our eye on Oasis TV. We have a feeling it's going to be the go-to source during the slower guru news days now.

Disgraced Yogi Shows Up At Yogaville

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong

Yogi Amrit Desai—a guru who couldn't keep it in his pants—is returning to the scene of another's transgressions, Yogaville in North Carolina. Founded by the other guru who couldn't keep it in his pants, Swami Satchidananda, current and former Yogaville residents are freaking out a bit over Desai's coming to teach his Amrit Yoga at a weekend retreat there.

Between the two scandalous gurus, Desai has at least admitted his mistakes—after getting kicked out of this own ashram. Swami Satchidananda, on the other hand, took his contriteness to the grave.

Desai solders on with 15 or so close followers after losing his ashram and $155,000 salary; and Satchidananda's legacy lives on, sans the acknowledgement and apology some of his abuse victims still seek.

The moral of this story: if you refuse to fess up, you just might get away with it. Alternate moral: don't teach celibacy if you can't keep it in your pants yourself.

Swami Touts His Lack Of Brain Waves

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Paramahamsa Sri Nithyananda, a 27-year-old swami on his 2005 world tour, has "astounded" a biofeedback specialist with his lack of brain activity. "The world is not going to believe this!" said the specialist and "leading researcher," Dr. William Collins.

Sure. Either that or conclude there's just not a lot going on up there.

Sri Nit [Ed.note: As we've just now dubbed him] appears to be presenting himself as a pastiche of Swami Vivekananda, Paramhansa Yogananda and our favorite hugging mommy surrogate, Ammachi. While his dashing good looks are more than enough to offset his potential lack of mental capacity, they may also end up his undoing. Such a handsome and virile young man may be tempted into dalliance, and then canoodling, which is one short step away from a full-blown guru sex scandal.

That possibility—along with the leading man qualities of Sri Nit [Ed.note: We wouldn't be surprised if he has his own makeup artist]—make him well worth watching. If he can get some traction with the satsang junkies, he definitely has a shot at the top ten. He could even be the first swami to cross over to the MTV generation. We'll know Sri Nit has made it after he makes his first cameo in a gangsta rap video.

Sri Chinmoy's World PR Run

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Sri Chinmoy's World Harmony Run has made its way from New York City to Philadelpha in the last week. The annual torch relay is slated to cover 25,000 miles in 70 countries. "Running under the hot sun is a great feeling, especially when you're doing something really big for the world. There's an intense energy," enthused one of the torch-bearers. That sounds vaguely sexy to us—in a pound-nails-into-your-skull sort of way.

While we'd like to think the World Harmony Run will actually result in some world harmony, we're a bit more realistic than the idealistic runners. What is certain to result is Chinmoy getting mentioned in most of the local papers of the towns the run passes through. That's quite a PR harvest for the muscle-head guru this year.

And Lord knows he needs it. With an active anti-Chinmoy community sharing his penchant for special workouts with female devotees, Chinmoy needs to do a lot more than fake an association with the U.N. and get some photo-ops with the pope to shave off that bad PR shadow of his.

Dad Rescues Daughter From Sick Swami

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

Self-styled Indian "godman" Swami Jnana Chaitanya has been arrested for abusing his young British wife. Her father had been told that the 24-year-old Amanda Louis William was the Swami's wife from a past life, and if she didn't become his wife in this life, her whole family would go insane. What's more insane—and quite tragic—is that Ms. Willam's father actually fell for it.

Father and daughter are safely back together now. But we imagine it will take time (and like, a hundred shopping sprees) for them to get back on good terms with one another.

New Pope: Same Dumb Old Man

File under: Back-Room Gurudom

The world's Catholic population has a new guru: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany. And just like the pope before him, he's pretty much completely out of touch with the realities of life in modern global society.

But much more glamorous is the fact that Ratzinger was the head of the Inquisition, now lovingly renamed the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Sure, they killed tens of thousands over the last thousand years or so. But now with the kinder and gentler branding, they at least offer you a glass of water before they burn you at the stake.

Stripping The Gurus: B. Das Gets Down

File Under: Reference Library

We've been leafing through Geoffrey Falk's Stripping The Gurus for the last week or so. It's 646 pages of gurus being all too human, and it skews hard toward their faults rather than their virtues. But then this passage caught our attention:

In happier days, the married Bhagavan Das too had, for a time, been part of the same energetic “scene” with Joya:

We were having a huge meeting and Joya said, “Bhagavan Das, stand up!” I stood up and she said, “Shivaya stand up! Shivaya, take Bhagavan Das to a whorehouse right now!” The next thing I knew I was in a whorehouse in Manhattan on Christmas Day (Das, 1997).

Now that's what we call the will of the Mother!

Bhagavan Das knows this. It makes him one of America's greatest Kali devotees. We can relate to the raw transgression of this moment:

I felt completely saved and totally free. The freedom I had felt in that tantric sexual experience with the choir girl was like being with Mary and Jesus (Das, 1997).

A perfect example of authentic tantra manifesting. Really. We're not kidding. If there's one thing we're truly serious about, it's the efficacy of having sex with God as a spiritual practice. It's not always pretty, can be quite dangerous and is always very transgressive. But if you survive—as Bhagavan Das has—you will have dipped your toe into a black hole and lived with Ma Kali's eternal love as your reward (minus the toe, of course.)

More Stripping The Gurus to come.

Amma's Mind-Control TV Network Up And Running

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet

Another milestone has been reached in Ammachi's steady march toward absolute global domination. Ammabots everywhere are rejoicing over the April 14th launch of Amrita TV, Ammachi's very own television network in India.

To recap: Stage One of Amma's global domination scheme was to strategically convert well-placed military personnel into Ammabots. Stage Two was a demonstration of Amma's remote-control over machinery in India. Now with Stage Three activiated, Ammachi can nourish the minds of the Ammabots in India [Ed.note: And soon everywhere else.] with her ideological replenishment service: AmmaThink™.

Fortunately, only minds already weakened by exposure to Ammachi's astral breast milk and the resulting infection of Amma-controlled brain cells are permeable to the ideas contained in AmmaThink™. Comprised mostly of Hindu superstition, coupled to a Victorian-era sexual morality and anything which can be interpreted to possibly indicate Amma's divinity—Ammathink™ is patently ridiculous to anyone with half a brain not already infected.

But if already infected, the mind of an Ammabot cannot get enough of Ammathink™. The desire to absorb it has been genetically programmed into the DNA of the milk-fed ganglia pulsing in their brains. Thus the success of Amrita TV is assured with this built-in market of breast-fed, mind-benumbed and critical thinking-hobbled automatons willing to take whatever pabulum their Mommy stuffs into their enfeebled minds.

NM Guru Gets Props From US Congress

File under: Back-Room Gurudom

Yogi Bhajan, the recently deceased Sikh "pope" of the Western Hemisphere and guru of the 3HO Organization, has been eulogized in a resolution passed by the 109th Congress of the United States. Sponsored by New Mexico senator Tom Udall, the resolution expresses the appreciation of the American people by way of their elected officials for the work done by Yogi Bhajan in America.

We imagine the appreciation of the Sikh community in New Mexico comes in handy for Udall during reelection time. Given the influence of the fundamentalist right in Congress, we also imagine that he was doing a bit of shoe lickin' in the House to get this particular resolution passed.

But there are other reasons Udall might be anxious to curry the favor of the Sikhs. Yogi Bhajan's Sikh Dharma International has been in Espanola, NM since 1972. In that time his devotees have established a network of local businesses across the northern tier of that state. Their influence has become almost family-like in some sectors. As in that kind of famiglia. They've even got muscle. Their Akal Security company is a leading national security firm.

"Family" influences aside, the bill goes a bit too far with this proclamation:

Whereas when Yogi Bhajan visited the United States in 1968, he recognized immediately that the experience of higher consciousness that many young people were attempting to find through drugs could be alternatively achieved through Kundalini Yoga, and in response, he began teaching Kundalini Yoga publicly, thereby breaking the centuries-old tradition of secrecy surrounding it.

Yogi Bhajan may have broke a centuries-old Sikh tradition of secrecy, but kundalini yoga in one form has been taught in the West since Swami Vivekananda established the Vedanta Society in New York City in 1894.

But we can forgive Tom for the oversight and embellishment, which was probably the result of his eagerness to please the turbaned ones. Having such a powerful bloc of voters in his column will always help on election day, although we imagine his tongue will be blackened by shoe polish for at least another month or two.

Sri Sri Nobel Nom In Doubt

File under: Back-Room Gurudom

It was reported today in the Calcutta Telegraph—by way of the New York Times news service—that Ravi Shankar, the musician, "was reportedly nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize."

This could be bad news for Sri Sri Ravi Shankar's bid for world spiritual leadership. We imagine a panic in the media relations department at Art of Living as they discuss what the response should be. We suggest simply spinning it as a mistake by the reporter, which is what it probably is.

Besides, a few more dead world spiritual leaders and there should be plenty of room for Sri Sri to move up. As for the other Ravi Shankar, with Norah Jones as one daughter and budding Indian music virtuoso Anoushka as the other, we believe his legacy is already in the bank—collecting interest.

The Scaree Devi Tour, 2005

File under: Satscams

In our years of watching gurus, none has seemed scarier than Nirmala Devi, aka Sri Mataji. It may have something to do with the stories of an often times unpleasant woman making ridiculous demands and playing God with her devotees' lives. Or it could be her creepy visage, with that smirky smile that just doesn't seem to say "compassionate mother" as much as "I've got you marked."

Actually, it's mostly because of this: her whole idea of self-realization is a scam. Her "cool breeze" phenomenon is at the most, a coincidental puff of air. But it's also a great little recruitment device. By getting new folks thinking they've experienced a miracle, they're much easier to hook up to the idea that Mataji is divine. That's the "self-realization" of her lust for power. For everyone else it's just an empty sensation, enlightenment not included.

And don't 'cha know that people are falling for it. Convinced they are on a mission from God via Mataji, these folks are trying to take over the world:

Shri Mataji has completed Her work and Sahaja Yoga centers exist in almost every country of the world. As we promised so many times to our Holy Mother it is now our work to support those countries which did not establish Sahaja Yoga as it could have been.

Oops! It sounds like some folks have been lagging, since all is not as it "could have been." We imagine they will be locked in a room with vicious pit bulls tearing up their legs—while a tape of Mataji screaming at them for breaking their promise plays at high volume.

So the stakes are high for the launch of the Realize America 2005 tour. But all Mataji really has to do is act beneficent while her minions work the room, helping everyone to feel their "self-realization." With the perception of her "divinity" assured by her little flim-flam, no hugging or acts of tireless compassion are required on this cult recruitment campaign.

But because Mataji ain't no Ammachi, she's going to have a hard time staking out more claim in the increasingly competitive satsang-junkie market. It's clear to us that Mataji doesn't have half the juice needed to contend for the title of "Supreme Devi on the Planet." She may be a "divine" harridan, but she isn't even close to being in the same league as Ammachi and her mammary glands of mighty milky power.

Black Bhakti Guru Bringing It Home

File under: What Would Krishna Do?

His Holiness Bhaktivedanta Asrama Maharaja, the first black Vaisnava sannyasi, is taking it back to the Motherland. The American-born son of a Nigerian chief, Asrama Swami is on a mission to help bring about the "spiritual upliftment" of Africa. A noble goal, if not just a tiny wee bit grandiose.

But at least the Swami seems realistic about the chances of fomenting a revolution in Krishna consciousness. He says he only "teaches the “timeless” wisdom presented in India’s ancient Vedic texts, sharing knowledge of the Bhakti Yoga system, the conscious path, the self-realisation and personal transformation."

So far, so good. But then we get to this:

A regulated vegetarian diet, herbal and vibrational remedies for holistic health, eye care and “I” care, freedom from intoxication and gambling, exercising the spiritual self-discipline of sexual abstinence all contribute to the transcendence of the human spirit.

That's more like it. Now we're a witnessin' an' a testifyin' for Krishna consciousness, where the only good sex is no sex. This despite the fact that their own Lord Krishna was doing the Gopis in mass quantities pretty much every night he was in Vrindaban.

Let's do some math. The Swami says he brings wisdom, knowledge, the path, eye care, self-realization and personal transformation. He will be taking away meat, allopathy, alcohol, drugs, gambling and of course, sex. Abolish all the fun stuff and replace it with boring stuff. Needless to say, the Swami has got a great deal of work ahead of him.

But that aside, we think the Swami forgot a few things on his list. Stuff like food, freedom from intertribal warfare, freedom from government corruption, good health care, lots of AIDS drugs, and birth control with training in how and why to use it.

But we forgot. The Swami's got the birth control problem licked. He's going to get everyone to stop having sex. It's that simple! And about as likely as seeing the College of Cardinals convene at the Folsom Street Fair to choose a pope, although we bet more than a few of them would get right into the spirit of things if they did.

The Bobby Meizer Machine

File under: Real True Gurus

We met the enlightened Bobby Meizer as Donald Brewer, one of the denizens of Sarlo's GuruRatings forum. We immediately became "Donald" groupies, doing everything we could to emulate his style of communication. We're like that sometimes.

Then one day "Donald" revealed himself as Bobby, a character we appreciated but didn't pay much attention to. But because he was so good as "Donald," we were able to take it in stride that we had been so unfailingly duped. As a con, it was a keeper.

Bobby has provided the world with the electronic guru and oracle: The Bobby Meizer Machine. Ask him (by way of it) anything you want. You will get an answer (of some kind.) Guaranteed.

Pause for a moment to enjoy his incredibly stoned-out image before you enter the cyber-sanctum and learn the truth by Bobby, techno-satsang style. Yo.

Sri Sri Makes Play For Capitol Hill Hospital

File under: Back-Room Gurudom

It looks like our front-runner for Hypocritical Guru of the Year, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, is trying to establish himself in that world capital of hypocritedom, Washington D.C. Sri Sri is making a play for the Old Naval Hospital on Capitol Hill, ostensibly to be used as an Art of Living wellness center (and concealed devotee recruitment facility, obviously.)

This plan appears to be dovetailing quite nicely with Sri Sri's play to become an even bigger world religious leader than he already believes he is. Could the Republican Party have picked up on our suggestion to accept Sri Sri as their guru? We've provided a handy chart to help you compare their attributes:

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar	Republican Party
Covers for genocidal racists	Uses "bad" intel as cover to invade Iraq
Spoke to the UN	Wants to destroy the UN
Can duck direct questions	Won't answer a question directly
Wants to be a world religious leader	Wants to be the world's dictator

Clearly, a match made in Heaven... er, Vrindaban. We hear that Heaven continues to be fought over by the Mormons and the Fundies at this time, with the Catholic Church poised to swoop in and steal it all from the exhausted victors' hands.

Another Pedophile Guru Goes Down

File under: Gurus Doin' Time and Hands Where They Don't Belong

Romania is asking Sweden to extradite Gabriel Bivolaru, guru of the Movement for Spiritual Integration in the Absolute, which used to be huge in Romania before Bivolaru got busted for trafficking in little boys, among other crimes.

Apparently Bivolaru employed the methods of his contemporary, Paul Schaefer, resorting to corporal punishment in his attempts to establish bliss in his devotees. We're starting to see a pattern here: employ the rod, enjoy young men's bods.

So the next time your guru slaps you for sleeping during satsang, you better make damn sure your son doesn't end up in a room alone with him.

Jailed Guru's Med Center Plans Fade

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

The Shankaracharya of Kanchi, Sri Jayendra Saraswathi, has been dealt another blow to his already battered standing among gurus in India. On bail awaiting trial on murder charges, it's looking like Saraswathi's deal to establish a medical center in his own name is kaput.

It seems that establishing a hospital, preferably in one's own name, is good PR for a bigtime guru in India. Ammachi, Sai Baba and now Swami Ramdevji Maharaj are all big on hospitals. What they are not is out on bail on murder charges.

We expect this means that they'll all have to duke it out with the lightning bolts that fly from their eyes for Saraswathi's devotees. If that happens, my money is on Ammachi. One should never underestimate the powers of breasts in a room full of men.

A Guru Popular With The Pros

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

When Mardan Mamat gave credit to his guru for his professional golfing success, Sukhdev Singh was outed as the possible secret weapon of a number of professional athletes in Asia. Besides Mamat and three other golfers, Singh has coached a Grand Prix driver, Indian cricket player and even an Indian hockey coach.

We're not sure there can be such a thing as a good Indian hockey team. But there's certainly no reason why the others couldn't perform at the top of their leagues, possibly advanced there due to the breathing practices taught by Sukhdev Singh. Or, they could all just be paying him to whip up some winning mojo, seeing as he's a guru with siddhis and all.

UFO Creep Will Keep Sweet Teen (For Now)

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong and Great White Botherhood

Amadon Amadon, that pervy little 58-year old UFO-guru sex-monkey, has instructed his sweet teen bride to cut off all ties with her family in South Africa.

While her family frets back home, we shudder to think what's in store for the 18-year old Diane McMillan with her new old man. Uh—really old man. We imagine the horrors of servicing that wrinkly old pervert would drive any young woman back into the arms of her family. But as she's been talking to Amadon online since she was 15, we doubt anything short of a full frontal lobe transplant will bring her to back to her senses now.

By way of [Cult News]

Guru Still Sucking Blood From MJ's Wounds

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Our favorite holy publicity leech continues to suck media exposure out of his alleged phone consultations with the beleaguered Michael Jackson. Spiritual guru and Hindu clairvoyant Deoki Nandan Shastri is still talking to the press, this time to the UK tabloid, The Sunday Mirror.

Way to work it, Deoki. Too bad he's such an old fart. Stick him in Prada mini and some Jimmy Choo pumps and he'd be a PoweR Girl to top all others. [Ed.note—That sounds fun!] Lizzie G. should replace PR wunderblunder Johnathan Cheban with this guy, immediately. He could be fine tuning the performance of all PoweR Girls, including Lizzie. First lesson: improving your personal media profile by fucking over your clients.

Oh...wait a minute. We believe Lizzie has already got something like that wired.

Update: Swami V. Still Clean

File under: Reference Library

We've been in contact with Geoffrey D. Falk, author of Stripping the Gurus: Sex, Violence, Abuse and Enlightenment. He corrected us regarding our speculation about one of our heroes, Swami Vivekananda; with this passage from the book Ramakrishna Prasad Prasanga by Swami Jagadishwaranda, translated from the Bengali by Professor Narasingha P. Sil:

I (Subodhananda) asked Swamiji one day: "Hey, have you ever been to a brothel?" Swamiji replied: "Yes, after my father's death our situation [financial] worsened, and my mind was overwhelmed with all sorts of problems. A few friends advised alcohol as a panacea for such predicament: let's visit a brothel. I consumed a little alcohol in their company. Thereafter I felt inspired to lecture to them [friends]: "What would become of you in your afterlife, etc." Then my friends felt that I was a killjoy and they kicked me out. I returned home tottering, thoroughly inebriated."

That's sounds like our Vivekananda; pedantically lecturing anyone within earshot, even while drunk it seems.

Muscle-Head Guru Works The Pope

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong and Back-Room Gurudom

That weight-liftin', macho-man fitness coach and guru, Sri Chinmoy, was quite busy during the reign of pope John Paul II. Chinmoy was granted 6 audiences with the pope, which resulted in 6 photo-ops, which now allows Chinmoy to present himself as a world spiritual leader.

We say nice job, Sri C. This has us wondering if he gave the pope any tips for "working out" the nuns at the Vatican. It seems that Chinmoy likes to workout his "love muscle" with some of his female devotees, so it makes good ecumenical sense that he'd share that wisdom with the pope.

By way of [Cult News]

GuruLib: Book Makes Us Look Like Sycophants

File under: Reference Library

A reader brought this book to our attention: Stripping the Gurus: Sex, Violence, Abuse and Enlightenment. While we haven't read it and can't vouch for the research, it apparently reveals that one of our guru heroes, Swami Vivekananda, used to frequent brothels.

That just makes Swamiji so much cooler! Author Geoffrey D. Falk must either have access to information heretofore unknown, or he is one hell of a hatchet-job artist. Needless to say, we'll have to get our hands on a copy to catch up on the supposed sexual adventures of our favorite and oft times bombastic Hindoo Monk.

Poet Sued By Ex-Cop For Loving God

File under: Sex and God

Celebrated Bengali poet Sunil Gangopadhyay is being investigated by police after ex-cop Bhibhuti Bhusan Nandy filed a complaint after he read passages of Gangopadhyay's autobiography in a newspaper. The passages in question reveal Gangopadhyay's sexual arousal toward his Saraswati murti.

We feel pretty bad for Nandy. His delicate and fragile spiritual conceptions must have taken years to develop. To see it all crash in a heap when exposed to real devotion is all too much for the psychotically-devout and tradition-bound bhakta.

But it's all par for the course for Gangopadhyay. A Calcutta newspaper office was picketed two years ago after Gangopadhyay wrote about the sex life of the famous Calcutta saint Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa. Almost all of the Ramakrishna devotional community is under the impression—due to the saint's entrenched hagiography—that Ramakrishna was a pure and pious godman with absolutely no sex life. But since the publication of "Kali's Child," by American religious studies scholar Dr. Jeffrey Kripal, the picture of a slightly wacky yet sexually undefiled saint is giving way to a richer portrait, one which includes the unique and powerful sexual dimensions of Ramakrishna's spiritual life and practice.

And we can totally relate to that! The first time we made it with Ma Kali, we were so completely yet pleasantly ravished that we spent most of the next day lounging in the garden of our guru's ashram. When he walked out and found us lying in the path, he chuckled, swung on his heels and left us to savor the afterglow.

Japan's Supreme Court Greenlights Aum Execution

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

Kazuaki Okazaki, former officer of the Aum Supreme Truth cult, recently had his death sentence confirmed by Japan's Supreme Court. Okazaki was convicted being an Aum hitman for killing four people before the subway attacks, including an anti-sect lawyer and his family.

Okazaki's claims of being under the "mind control" of Aum's leader, Shoko Asahara, are obviously false. Where are his diapers and mumbling incoherence? We fear this turning away from the methods of his preceptor is a mistake. One should not underestimate the benefits of diapers when trying to show the judges how much you have your shit together.

Professor Baba Booster

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong and Hagiographic Circus

The National Endowment for the Humanities has awarded University of California, Davis, associate anthropology professor Smriti Srinivas a payoff one-year research fellowship to write a white wash book on the Sathya Sai Baba movement. We're happy to help her with her research. Just click on the links, Ms. Srinivas:

Although he lives a modest lifestyle, Satya Sai Baba has managed to become a religious guru for over 10 million devotees worldwide, according to Smriti Srinivas, associate professor in anthropology.

Sai Baba has attracted followers from various social and religious backgrounds, a movement Srinivas said to be a "transnational phenomenon."

After 10 years of research and field work in India, Kenya and the United States, Srinivas said she is ready to finish her book on this religious guru and his global influence.

Besides finishing her book on the international Sai Baba movement, Srinivas is currently doing field study for her next book on the Sai Baba movement, specifically in Colombo, Sri Lanka.

We're inclined to question Ms. Srinivas' objectivity, as the California Aggie article makes no mention of any of the substantial controversy surrounding the Baba.

We never have to worry about our own objectivity, though. It just doesn't exist in these matters. Sort of like Fox News, we suppose.

Rupee-less Guru Raking It In

File under Guru's Clockin' Dollars

Another bigtime guru is on the rise in India. Swami Ramdevji Maharaj saw over 10,000 devotees crowd the opening of his new health center in a Bombay suburb. The center is apparently an outgrowth of the Swami's morning television program, airing daily on the Aastha channel, which seems to be some kind of guru channel in India. The channel and the Swami are in a co-venture to bankroll the new health center.

Pressed by a reporter about his financial situation, the Swami replied, "I do not have one rupee in my bank balance." When asked about millions in donations, the Swami said, "Whatever I take I give back by way of health centres to people."

Who needs a bank balance when you've got a foundation. And putting all the donations into your business, brilliant! This Swami seems to be in the catbird seat right now.... for now.

Amma Asks For Cash To Save US From Eclipse

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars and Amma All Over The Planet

On April 14th, executive Ammabots will be performing three special pujas. And it's a damn good thing too:

The Navagraha Homa offered on April 14th has a special significance to America as a nation. The solar eclipse is visible over the United States and this homa will help reduce the negative effect over the United States.

You get all three pujas performed in yours or a loved one's name for the low price of $600.00. Just think, you can help Amma save America from the impending ravages of the solar eclipse! Coming soon: Amma's Solar Eclipse Relief Effort™.

Ammabots have no need to worry. They will be directed by the astral milk-fed ganglia growing in their brains to make deposits in the full amount to Amma's bank accounts at staggered intervals. Amma and her swamis know better than to overload the banking system with the rush of their mind-benumbed minions parting with their money.

Sergeant Gurdjieff

File under: Gurutainment

Making the world safe for enlightenment (and prostitutes,) it's GI Gurdjieff!

Thanks to Pete for the link.

Ramesh Blows His Wad And Loses Satsang

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong and Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Ramesh Balsekar has been highly regarded in the world of Advaita Vedanta. A devotee of the famous Nisargadatta Maharaj and guru to the semi-famous guru Wayne Liquorman, Balsekar had a sweet little gig as a teacher of nonduality.

But he just couldn't keep it in his pants. Wayne tried to cover for him, sort of, but that didn't stem the wave of discontent that has swept over the satsang-junkie community. Now Ramesh is pretty much off the card.

We feel bad for ol' Ramesh. He made the mistake of depending on a manufactured reputation as a guru, rather than allowing folks to see he was just an ordinary guy with ordinary desires. Unfortunately, that doesn't sell to the junkies one bit. It's got to have the pizzazz that only a real, true-to-life divine being can generate. Thus, gurus like Balsekar are forced to conform to those expectations. And we all know that God would never fuck.

Guru Marv Poppins?

File under: Gurutainment

A friend told us a story about an old guru who walked barefoot most of the time. This produced a rather impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Thus he became a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Swami Premananda In The Pokey For Life—Twice

File under: Gurus Doin' Time and Hands Where They Don't Belong

The Supreme Court of India upheld the double life sentence of the little girl rapin', devotee murderin' Swami Premananda. Convicted in August 1997 of 13 counts of rape against teenaged girls and the murder of a person staying at his ashram; Swami Premananda makes Al Swearengen look like a schoolmarm in a little house on the prairie. We imagine the Swami's ashram must have been a real "gem."

Coming to the rescue like the Sheriff of Deadwood is an old favorite of ours—Maitreya, "The World Teacher." The fictitious "messiah" and his minions, Ben Creme and Share International, are engaged in a pro-Swami Premananda publicity effort on their website.

It has us scratching our heads. What does Swami Premananda have on Maitreya that would cause New Age™ con man Ben Creme to stick his neck out like that. Did the Swami steal the key to the secret inner chamber deep within Mount Shasta where the Great White Brotherhood meets, forcing Maitreya to listen in on meetings by para phone? Or could there have been some hot, hunky avatar action between the two. Maybe the Swami got sick of being the World Teacher's bottom and took it out on those poor girls, leaving sad Lord Maitreya with no one to lord his avatarship over in those games of "daddy" and "son" he enjoyed so.

If that's the case, all the big M has to do is show up in Tamil Nadu, India, a rootin' an' a tootin' an' a shootin'. A few bodies later and he's got multiple life terms, a joyous reunion and some hot, hunky, avatar, prison action!

Top Ten Myths About Gurus

File under: Hagiographic Circus and The Great White Botherhood

The pursuit of the truth has brought us to many strange and wonderful places, some of which were in the presence of persons considered divine because they are gurus. Around such people constellate clouds of occluding ideology about self-realization, despite the efforts of the guru, or because of them. We've compiled a list of the ten top occluding ideas people hold about their gurus or gurus in general, for your perusal:

10. Guruji knows what's best for you
While we acknowledge the possibility that a real true guru could know what's best for you, s/he'd also know it's best to let you decide for yourself. Gurus who pretend to know what's best for all their devotees are fooling themselves as much as they are their disciples.

9. Guruji can read your mind
Did you ever wonder why people seem so sanctimonious while in the presence of their guru, besides kissing ass by acting joyous or pious. They probably believe that their guru is reading their mind, and all the minds of the devotees in their presence. Or even those not in their presence. The fact is that self-realization confers no special power to read minds, despite the assertions of Patanjali and the Theosophists. There may be some gurus who seem to have a knack for coincidental occurrence, but no more than other people with the same knack.

8. Guruji doesn't feel pain
We were going to suggest cutting off a guru's arm to see if s/he feels pain, but then we realized the shock of the trauma would probably just shut off the pain response. Believe us, gurus feel pain. They may know varying levels of emotional pain as well.

7. Guruji knows all your past lives
More theosophical nonsense. Not that there aren't past lives, and not that they can't be known, but they can't be watched like a movie by a person with the right siddhi. They may see something they believe are your past lives, but it's much more likely to be something made up in their head in the moment, whether they believe it to be the truth or know that it isn't.

6. Guruji knows your future
See number 1. No special powers outside of knowing the truth of self-realization are conferred by self-realization.

5. Guruji knows everything
One of the major occluding expectations about self-realization is the idea that knowing yourself as the whole entails access to all the information in the whole. In truth, self-realization confers just one kind of special knowledge that only knows itself. There is no content there. That's why they call it emptiness. So anything your guru knows s/he knows because they heard it or read it.

4. Guruji has no desires
This is based in the most pervasive of the occluding expectations, that desire somehow prevents self-realization. Desire is merely the way the body responds to conditions. The guru may (or may not) be over sex, but when they want a Twinkie, they go get a Twinkie.

3. Guruji is the avatar
A guru proclaiming themselves to be the living avatar is like the Mission Impossible tape proclaiming it will self-destruct in ten seconds.

2. Guruji is divine
Sure, and so is every other person on the planet, regardless of their spiritual status. Knowing who you really are doesn't change who you've always been in this life. It just adds the knowledge that we are all of the same, one being. Anything else is just publicist bullshit.

1. Guruji can enlighten with a touch
You can have enlightenment in the presence of your guru, but it wasn't because s/he touched you. Transmission or shaktipat gurus merely tap into the power of mind by way of a ruse, the idea that they are God and can do such things. That ruse sometimes captures the mind of the guru just as much as that of the devotees, so they aren't all to be blamed for the subterfuge.

God's Girl Turned Servants Psycho

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

Lawrence Joseph Ansaroff was a golden boy before he fell into the clutches of Richelle Denise Bradshaw, aka Queen Shahmia, the Daughter of God. Bradshaw turned Ansaroff and two others into criminal manservants, having them commit robbery and theft to fuel the usual lavish lifestyle. Her three accomplices were declared insane by the court and are being rehabilitated. The Queen is serving 25 for robbery and theft.

You'd think this queen would look like Halle Berry to garner that kind of blind devotion. Such is not the case, leading us to conclude that all three of her accomplices were either truly insane, or frightfully desperate.

Sri Sri Ups Global Profile With Death Of Pope

File under: Back-Room Gurudom

Our favorite politicking guru, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, mourned the death of the pope today. If you remember, Sri Sri refused to comment on the genocidal policies of an Indian politician by saying he doesn't comment on individuals; yet now he's commenting on an individual, namely the pope, perhaps in a effort to raise his global profile and chances at that Nobel Peace Prize.

Once again our Sri Sri is having his cake and stuffing himself with it. He's positioning himself as the global emissary of Hinduism by mourning a crusader against Hinduism, while protecting a politician who uses Hinduism as an excuse for genocide.

Way to go, Sri Sri! It looks like Guru Mickey Mehta is going to have to do something spectacular, like getting hired to counsel the women of the Playboy Mansion, in order to get his media profile back on top.

Guru Of World's Catholic Folk Checks Out

File under: Hagiographic Circus

The pope is dead. We can't say we're too upset about that. His thoroughly ignorant policies concerning birth-control, AIDS, women's rights and right-to-life issues insured that years ago. Unfortunately, he's stacked the College of Cardinals with ignorant men just like himself, so we're probably looking at more ridiculously anachronistic social policy and spiritual ignorance pouring out of the Vatican for the next 30 years or so.

Ramtha Holds Open House To Schmooze Wary Locals

File under: The Great White Botherhood and Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Everyone's favorite 35,000-year old Atlantian and his con woman mouthpiece recently opened the Ramtha School of Enlightenment to local residents of Yelm, Washington, where the school is located. The residents were understandably wary after a wall was built around the school, which apparently teaches students to read minds and be stupid enough to believe that JZ Knight is the exclusive conveyor of the spiritual wisdom of a 35,000-year old.

Students of Ms. Knight's produced and directed the recently released film, "What the Bleep Do We Know." We know that anyone dumb enough to believe they are getting spiritual lessons from a 35,000-year old warrior from Atlantis deserves those lessons, and deserves to lose the money they paid for them.

But since everything runs in cycles, there's a whole new crop of ready-to-be duped sheep permeable to the regurgitated ideas in the movie, ones lifted primarily from books like The Dancing Wu Li Masters and The Tao of Physics. But we imagine that those who accept the fact of a 35,000-year old warrior being channelled by a blonde former housewife probably don't read much beyond the 3rd-grade level anyway.

UFO Guru Snatches Sweet Teen From Family

File under: The Great White Botherhood and Hands Where They Don't Belong

A South African family has been devastated by the flight of their 18-year old daughter, Diane McMillan, into the grabbing hands of 58-year old self-proclaimed UFO guru, Steve Arden. Known as Amadon Amadon (of the Urantia Book) to his devotees, Arden had apparently been stalking the young woman online and proposed marriage to her when she was only 17. Soon after she turned 18, Diane told her parents she was sleeping over at a friend's, but instead flew to Oregon on Arden's dime to marry him.

Arden has already been successfully sued for religious discrimination and sexual harassment, back in 1996. He apparently encouraged his employees to be free in their sexual expression during business hours, where he consults to companies looking to obtain liquor licenses.

Wow! That sounds like the makings of one hell of a party. You've got a creepy 58-year old pervert and a girl so lost she can't see she's involved with a megalomanic wackadoo. Add in all the other lost souls who follow him, plus all that liquor, and we imagine it's a fairly firing freak fest. We see the potential for lots and lots of stupid, hot, drunk, UFO action and some very grunty monkey sex.

Nurse Nazi Guru's Lieutenants On The Lam

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

Five accomplices of ex-Nazi nurse and discipline guru Paul Schaefer have been indicted as co-conspirators in his flight from the law in Chile. Schaefer was the leader of Colonia Dignadad, a commune in Chile used by the Pinochet regime as a persuasion spa, among other things. Let's just say the colonia wasn't a good place to visit if you were a guest.

Now Schaefer is a guest in a jail cell, perhaps soon to be joined by his co-conspirators. We wonder if he's gotten any play as Nurse Paulina yet.