Guruphiliac: February 2006

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Sri Sri's Inflation Unabated

File under: The Siddhi of PR and Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Still flush with the success of his Art of Living's "Silver Jubilee," Sri Sri Ravi Shankar is gellin'... and once again there are reports his of Nobel Peace Prize nom. We reported a few months back that he got some U.S. congressman with a lot of Indian folks in his district to do the favor of the nomination.

And just like before, Sri Sri is up against the likes of U2's Bono and LiveAid's Bob Geldolf–and all by being the little yogi who could. He took a few common breathing exercises and turned them into a multinational yoga concern and massive non-governmental agency [read: grant vacuum.]

Because Sri Sri plays the charity game as well as any other guru, he's got the public eating out of his hand. All the popularity of an Ammachi with none of the back breaking hugging. Nonetheless, that popularity is still translating into stacking cheese in a bank vault.

Welcome to the Sri Sri Nobel Peace Watch of 2006. Due to the his tireless self-promotion, we're sure to have plenty to discuss and analyze as the AoL PR juggernaut goes into "look at our living saint" mode. Expect grandstanding at places of political strife and wherever disaster strikes.

The needs of people to have an omnipotent space daddy in command of their lives assures Sri Sri's continued success. That is... until he gets caught not being able to keep it in his pants. That's certainly not the only way he might fall, but statistically it's the most likely.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Britney Reels Toward Another Guru

File under: Gurus to the Stars

Watching Britney Spears reel between different gurus like a drunk hooker reeling between cars on her corner is quite painful for us. We believe she has something in the way of shakti that her contemporaries and competitors for Hottest Pop Ingénue on the Planet seem to lack. We feel that if she could just get on a good life track, all her earlier career success would reestablish itself.

There are a few things standing in the way... starting with her unfortunate choice in a life partner. Yehuda Berg and Deepak Chopra couldn't manage to steer her from that mistake. Lately she's turned to Hinduism for solace, and now it appears a guru of the Sikh persuasion has got his hands in her Gucci bag.

Singh Khalsa is apparently administering a "sound healing" to Britney based on "ancient kundalini yoga practices" by exposure "to sound vibrations as [she lies] on a special couch." We tried to come up with a better link for him, but it seems there's half a jillion similarly named Sikh figures on the internets.

Needless to say, Britney is need of something a lot more potent than some bunkum chakra shaking. She's got to turn around and dive right straight into her shit rather than spastically attempt to escape it. That's why we recommend a 10-day Vipassana retreat. 10 days of silent sitting will familiarize her with all kinds of defective inner patternings. A good sit with a good therapist afterward will help her new self-understanding get established. Maybe then she'll be in a better position to assess both her choice in gurus and in husbands.

We're rooting for Britney, but she's going to have to be very lucky in her search for spiritual guidance. Los Angeles is a bazaar of the bizarre as far as spiritual ideologies go, and with so many star-fucking spiritual teachers on the loose there, she could be stuck going through a hundred duds until she comes to someone who actually knows what they are talking about.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Sri Sri Between The Lines

File under: Gurus Clockin' Dollars and The Siddhi of PR

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar in a fawning interview today about his "Silver Jubilee":
“The celebrations went well, but I think there is always scope to do better,” says the man who unlocks life related mysteries of millions. The world’s largest growing NGO, one is amazed by the strength that binds millions of Art of Living followers together. “I really don’t know what unites them. I guess you will have to ask them,” laughs Guruji, as he is fondly known.
Sure he can do better. He knows there's even more money to be made. As to what "unites them", Sri Sri is being disingenuous. They are united in the search to escape the troubles of life. He knows and exploits this fact every day to gain his riches, name and fame–and that's the bottom line for Sri Sri. From the comments section of this blog:
Sri Sri's "jubilee blow out" is just what he said he wanted to achieve when he spoke about his name and fame to me once in the 1990s: "One day you will see -- I will be bigger than Ammachi! They will come in lakhs (100s of thousands) to see me! You won't be able to have these private meetings with me anymore because I'll be so popular!"
The whitewash continues:
With regard to his reputation of being a ‘Guru of the rich’, he says, “The very fact that so many people turned up for the silver jubilee celebrations, devoid of any such pre-conceived notions, breaks all these myths.”
Sri Sri is a guru getting rich, and mostly on the backs of the poor. But we're not surprised he's seen as a guru to the rich. It's obviously the most fruitful vein to mine. But Sri Sri knows it's a numbers game as well, and his ambition to top Ammachi is currently paying off nicely.

But he don't got milk, and in the end will always look like a 20-watt light bulb next to the halogen searchlight that is Ammachi in the U.S.

Get Kracked For 11 Grand

File under: The Bhagocon Kracki, Satscams and Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Got an extra 11 large and a desire to waste it mercilessly? Then get yourself to that horrendous monument to psychotic grandiosity, Oneness University in India, where for about 11 Gs you can touch the feet of the Kracki himself!
Sri Bhagawan on His behalf to show His gratitude give us an opportunity to meet Him, Speak with Him and blesses the family in a ceremony called “PADA POOJA”. Till now the minimum contribution for Pada Pooja had been Rs. 100,000. Coming March it would be increased to Rs. 500,000.
We are SOOOOO graced to be able to give the Kracki over 11 grand to touch his feet and receive his "blessing"! Just think of the all the ego-aggrandizement that will be stacking up in his brain. What a joy to contribute to!

This pada pooja is destined to make devotee bank accounts pretty much full of nada, and all for a few seconds audience with the worst evil to hit self-realization since Helene Blavatsky figured out how to grab fame and money with her radically ignorant interpretation of the Vedas.

The true tragedy here is that people are attempting to buy their way into heaven by way of some con man's smelly feet. It highlights just how sick and greedy the Kracki and his dupli-Amma 'ho really are, making these fauxvatars the most craven and manipulative of gurus in action today.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Gassing Guru To Go To Trial

File under: Gurus Doin' Time

He tried mumbling, he tried dozing off and he even tried wearing diapers. Aum Shinrikyo founder Shoko Asahara attempted to pull a "Chin" on the courts of Japan, but the Toyko subway-gassing guru has been declared fit to stand trial in his death sentence appeal.

The faux funny farm guru still has a decent supply of devotees who believe he is God, so security will be high at the court proceedings.

We look forward to seeing what else the mass-murdering guru and his lawyers try to come up with in their attempt to prevent his execution. You'd think his devotees would catch a clue about the guy's divinity, him being in jail and all. With all the powers of creation at his fingertips, the dude should just be able to fly away at any moment. Doubtless the devotees believe Asahara is just teaching us all a lesson with his continued incarceration, and that at the appointed moment he'll rise up, vanquish his opponents in the court and install himself as the emperor of the world.

We'll let you know when that happens.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Gurucopia: Bapu, Madharishi, Killer Swami And Funny Water

File under: Miscellaneous

• Gurus and airport security just don't jibe in India. Guru Asaram Bapu had to endure the apparent indignity of a secondary inspection at Ahmedabad Airport, prompting an angry protest from his devotees and India's conservative Bharatiya Janata Party. At least they didn't riot this time.

• Guru to the stars Deepak Chopra used his platform as a guest editor of the Times of India to reveal that the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi wasn't dumped by the Beatles for macking on Mia Farrow. Instead, Chopra claims the apparently increasingly senile Madharishi dumped the Beatles for their drug use at the time. With the poor old man not long for this world, we wonder if Chopra isn't making a savvy political move with his recent declaration. If he's getting paid for it, we just hope it's in something other than the Maharishi's mad money.

• The death sentence of Swami Shradhananda was stayed this week by India's Supreme Court. The swami has been charged and convicted of drugging and then murdering "Shakereh, the granddaughter of Sir Mirza Ismail, the former diwan of Mysore, with a view to grabbing her property." We guess you just can't count on what that vow of poverty will get you these days.

• Just when you thought you survived the advent of Kabbalah water comes the world debut of H2Om. Pouring out of the tradition of flimflamming NewAge™ quacks and snake oil schemes, claims are being made for this water's magical ability to hold and transmit intention by way of some good old NewAge™ bunkum. All the same hydration with all the same fantastic claims of magical healing properties, at probably twice the price.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Sri Sri's Big Jubilee Blow Out

File under: The Siddhi of PR and Gurus Clockin' Dollars

We touch our head to the feet of the great Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. The man is a public relations genius and a veritable god of self-promotion. Case in point: hundreds of thousands of people are invading Bangalore to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Sri Sri's Art of Living Foundation. It's putting Sri Sri over Ammachi, Sai Baba, Kalki Bhagavan and Swami Ramdev as India's most beloved guru.

As a service to our readers, we'd like to bring you the impressions of someone who was for a time close to Sri Sri:
Many people follow Ravi Shankar. They follow him blindly, knowing very little about him except the sometimes blissful feeling that can come in his presence. Where that comes from, who knows, and I frankly don't care. Once I privately questioned him how that feeling was any different from a drug, since it needed repeat contact over and over and over again with him. I told him that drugs do the same thing, often without doing nearly as much damage to one's life! (I had watched many successful people throw their careers away for him and become destitute, like drug addicts, and never gain anything except that poverty and lack of self-respect that comes from slavery to a "guru".) He was dumbfounded with my question. He sat helplessly and changed the subject. Questions like these often threw him.
Let's not forget about the time he failed to censure a genocidal politician using an excuse he forgot about when it came time to make another smart political move.

The magic of Sri Sri lies entirely with those people who believe in him. His seemingly many faults don't register because folks just don't want to see them. Instead, they want to see an omnipotent space daddy who can protect them and help them prosper. It's craven spiritual materialism. This is not so unusual any more in India with the advent of the tele-gurus like Sri Sri and Ramdev. They, the Babaster and the Kracki are dragging the whole of Hinduism away from self-realization and into income realization (to make for those generous donations.)

They do so by making themselves gods. It's such a clear ploy for name and fame, and yet nobody even blinks over it. The devotees want to ascribe their own altruistic feelings to these megagurus. It's what drives the whole enterprise. Throw around some platitudes about peace and oneness and watch those dollars clock.

Our hat is off to Sri Sri. He's managed to make a bit of yoga into a multinational corporation, with himself as the CEO. The man has ambition in gallons. We pray that it will one day translate into balls and a desire to live up to his image.

Best Laid Plans Of The Madharishi

File under: PP COM and Satscams

The wacky TM™ers of Lancaster, Mass. are crowing about building another TM™ university at the location of their current health center. This is in addition to a proposed 28 peace palaces purportedly slated for construction across New England.

But cult information guru Rick Ross is not impressed:
But the announced plan doesn’t guarantee the new school will ever be built, according to Rick A. Ross of the New Jersey-based Rick A. Ross Institute for the Study of Destructive Cults, Controversial Groups and Movements. He said the Maharishi’s companies have a long history of announcing grandiose plans and not following through, or simply buying land in order to sell it for profit.

“Because of so many announced plans that never come to fruition, I’m deeply skeptical of what they say they’re going to do,” he said.
That makes two of us, Rick.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

William Cooper's Kracked-Out Christ

File under: Satscams and Gurus Clockin' Dollars

William Cooper, licensed counselor in Austin, Texas, and the Kracki's main deeksha supplier there, is attempting to reach Texas Christians by claiming deeksha to be "the laying on of hands" described in the Bible.

While it does make the deeksha scam more palatable to the less culturally adventurous in Texas, there's going to be Hell to pay when the Fundies find out about this. As much as we don't agree with the Fundies on just about anything, we welcome their resistance to this insidious attempt to wrest the possibilities of self-realization from the lives of the duped in order to feed the greed of a couple of flimflamming fauxvatars and their barking snake oil salesmen.

Here's an example of the crazy-making spiritual quackery that is Cooper's deeksha scamming, as self-aggrandizing as it is spiritually fraudulent:
Wow, William... When I got to Amy, I felt/saw her place a golden crown on my crown chakra and then place golden jewels on it all the way up above me. I was literally connected with everything. I felt so honored and valued. Then, when I got to you, I saw you and then I saw Jesus. You were Christ and he was you. I heard my self saying a big "yes" And his/your essence was pouring into me from your/his eyes. It took my breath away. It was all so perfect. All of it. Thank you, William, for your beautiful presence. I am awash in gratitude for everything and everyone. Great things are coming. Many blessings to you.
We feel there's a very hot spot in Hell prepared for the likes of Cooper, and we don't even believe in the place. It won't be long until he is branded as Satanic by the rest of the Christian community in Texas, and as far as we're concerned, it will be totally accurate and well deserved.

Buddha Baiting For Fun And Profit

File under: Satscams and/or Wackadoo Gurus

We've recently become aware of the existence of "His Holiness Buddha Maitreya," aka Ronald Lloyd Spencer. He recently withdrew his immigration sponsorship from 7 visiting Tibetan monks in a fit of pique because they refused to recognize him as the second coming of the Buddha, leaving the monks in the hands of a dozen riot gear-equipped immigration officials. Seems like the Border Patrol has been watching a wee bit too much Kung-Fu on television.

Ron runs the Tibetan Foundation/Church of Shambhala [bold italics ours], which apparently has little to do with Tibet and a lot to do with Ron's appropriation of Tibetan Buddhism as a means toward his own economic benefit and ego-aggrandizement. Here he rambles on about his being the source and foundation of the entire Tibetan religion:
So all these Tulkus that I'm coming to find are emanations of me that I've set up for 500 years and they're me actually... and I'm my best student. So when I go out and deal with the Tulkus I'm actually talking to myself, dealing with myself, cooperating with a great big reality and that's what happens within the Hierarchy of the Christ Principle is that the Christ Principle is in a relationship of establishing an individual relationship with people - the Second Coming of Christ.
But before Ron was the second coming of Buddha and Christ, he was just another NewAge™ flimflam man living in Hawaii. From the account of a former friend:
After my first meeting I was told that if I was to be in with the group I should buy a cheap shiny pyramid necklace pendant for $150.00. This demonstrated to me right away what Ron was and still is mainly interested in, money. I was a student at that time and did not have that kind of money to spare. Ron found out I had credit card though and it turned out he had to have a $1,000.00 stereo system for his magic. He assured me that if I purchased the stereo for him he would pay me back shortly. Ron also required precious stones for his ceremonies. He saw my mother's diamond engagement ring that I wore, and said he wanted to borrow it just for a certain ceremony and would give it right back. Weeks went by and I frequently asked him for the credit card payment and my mother's ring back, but there was always some excuse or another, but a "not to worry," I would get them back soon...

I was losing hope of ever getting my ring or money back. Meanwhile, bad things were happening to the sister of my friend who first introduced me to Ron. My friend (a girl), her sister, Ron, and Ron's wife and child were all sharing a house that my friend was paying for. My friend told me that her sister was having an emotional crisis. She did not know what was going on, but we found out later after Ron skipped town, that Ron was sneaking into her room after his wife went to bed and was having sex with her. He claimed that this was for her spiritual benefit and used crystals and other magic objects inserted into her body.
A money scammer who can't seem to keep it in his pants. And with added kinky crystal action! Of course he's the Second Coming!

The real question is whether Ron is knowingly impersonating the Buddha or if he actually believes he is the Buddha. It's a very important distinction. In the former he is an out-and-out con man and criminal, in the latter he's merely another insane "guru" with enough ninnies around who believe in him to keep him going. (This despite the fact that the world is chock full of people claiming to be the Second Coming of whatever.)

For the moment, we're going with the former. Either way, folks like Ron have a way of attracting (and subconsciously generating) their own drama, so we're sure we'll have another chance to bring news of the Buddha of Omaha soon enough.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The Madharishi: Still Losin' It

File under: PP COM, Wackadoo Gurus and The Siddhi of PR

The poor (well, maybe not so poor) old Maharishi is still showing signs of age-related dementia, this time by declaring the Vedas to be the "Constitution of the Universe" and claiming to be able to eliminate all war with a few old men chanting some mantras:
The Constitution of the Universe contains within it the secret procedures to create a golden age of freedom from war. Within the chapters of the Constitution of the Universe are all the procedures that can take any negative influence that is predicted to come to any nation and prevent that from reaching the nation, so its citizens do not have to face that misfortune.

Maharishi concluded by saying: 'You don't have to face misfortunes. That is the proud privilege we have from Guru Dev. We design the destiny of every country; we prevent any forthcoming disaster for any country. Doesn't matter what the past has been. We design a new sunshine. These are the days of the dawn of a new civilization on earth.'
It's quite a sight to behold, a sick old man's delusions playing out on the world stage, accelerated by the fact that he's facing his mahasamadhi any day now. His rampant ethnocentrism may play well with his muddle-headed minions and Hindu fundamentalists, but the rest of the world ain't buying it. We again pray that the Global Country for World Peace–his attempt to take over the world–is only playing along with a sick old man's dying wish, and that they come back to reality once the old coot is gone and actually do some good with all the wealth they've accumulated.

Update: Master Rick Ross breaks it down much further for y'all.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Slinging Kracki On The Corner In Austin

File under: Satscams and Gurus Clockin' Dollars

Licensed counselor William Cooper of Austin, Texas, is a king pin in the Bhagavan Kalki's, aka the Kracki's attempts to sell his "deeksha" hysteria in the U.S. His primary targets appear to be satsang junkies, as they are the most desperate to get something from their imagined enlightenment. Cooper's method is chillingly simple. He asks the junkies to sell it for him by including their expressions of hysteria in his sales spam communications:
If you would like, you could email me about any subtle or not so subtle changes you may have noticed since the energy transfer. Although "the seed of enlightenment" will continue to grow and it is still early, I would like to hear about your experiences. One woman told me that she was still to start with but has found that it is deepening, another has noticed synchronicities becoming more obvious and frequent. Someone else says that their merging with silence and nature is becoming deeper and more common place. Others may find that it is too early to tell yet what is happening. I find that my psychological self continues to melt into the vast fullness of emptiness. When this melting occurs, muscle groups shudder as they release great amounts of old stored up tensions. As these tensions are released, it seems as my nervous system is expanding to convey greater amounts of energy which flows in from the vastness. My body feels more and more vibrant and alive.
As you might imagine, folks write back with all kinds of kooky nonsense, all cut from the template that Cooper provides them as he administers deeksha:
If you received the initial diksha well, it will continue to grow. It is a process that happens over time and is automatic. How can you tell if you received it well....are you seeing some changes happening. Can you feel old stuff starting to dissolve? Having said that, I and others have received multiple dikshas and I feel that it has compounded and speeded up the process. Everyone's results are different. Your path is your path. Many love to get diksha as often as they can. That is up to you and what you feel you need. Most important is your permanent awakening! You can trust your intuition on that. There is no fear as to missing anything....only following your inner voice to your total and permanent awakening when you are ready for it.
Another prong in Cooper's psych ops is to provide "scientific" evidence to support his claims of the miraculous power of deeksha by way of a NewAge™ quack and neuroscammitist known as Christian Opitz:
The production of oxytocin is severely hindered in most people today and this often starts at birth. In the late 1940s, medicine began to use drugs at birth as if it was some kind of disease. Among those drug, petocin (synthetic oxytocin) is used to induce contractions and thus birth, on the hospital's schedule instead of following the natural interaction between baby and mother. Whenever we receive a huge dose of a synthetic version of a hormone, our receptors are overwhelmed and the body's own production can be compromised. If this happens at birth, there can be permanent damage and a life - long pattern of producing too little oxytocin. It does not help much that the most important bonding phase between mother and child right after birth has become a medical procedure of taking blood, measuring the baby, cutting the umbilical cord too early and not allowing the baby a direct bonding with the mother and thus a gentle entrance into this world. The combination of petocin and the lack of empathy for the newborn baby in medicalized birth procedures is almost certain to severely compromise oxytocin production.

It is interesting to note that heavy drug use at birth, from petocin to pain killers to even some psychedelic substances that are no longer used, was introduced after WWII. When the first generation of babies who came into this world on drugs had arrived at young adulthood in the 1960s, they where the first generation to seek a deeper meaning of life through drugs. I believe the lack of natural oxytocin caused by drug use at the entrance into life can set up a strong recapitulation pattern of seeking life through drugs.

Although it is very difficult to measure hormones and neurotransmitters in the brain directly, electromagnetic signature testing allows for some conclusions about the effects of diksha in this regard. One of the main effects I have found with people who have been receiving diksha for a year or longer is a regeneration of receptors for both dopamine and oxytocin. This automatically leads to greater efficiency of these neurochemicals and a decrease in cortisol production. Diksha can also regenerate the substantia nigra, where dopamine is produced and this directly shows up in changed electromagnetic brain patterns. Many times I have observed a natural release of addictive patterns through diksha that where clearly related to low dopamine levels. Another interesting parameter is the electromagnetic communication between the brain and the heart. This seems to progressively get stronger in people through diksha and is one of the most important energetic correlation's of the flowering of the heart and true compassion. In some of the Dasas and in Ron Roth, this connection was off the charts when I measured them. Oxytocin is the biochemical bridge between the brain and heart. From the data I have gathered so far, diksha seems to be effective in strongly enhancing oxytocin in the vast majority of people. I also believe that this is one of the aspects of birth trauma that can be healed through diksha and that this effect makes diksha so worthwhile for children. Even though children are not supposed to enter into an enlightenment process, growing up with lots of oxytocin will give them a much more beautiful life experience.
We are very happy to offer, as a service to our readers, the thoughts of a university professor at a major research institution with a PhD in neuroscience:
Although the author does a good job describing the basic actions of several neuromodulators and neurotransmitters, he also makes several leaps of judgment based on the scientific data. Many of his claims are inflammatory and self-serving. For example, the author claims that synthetic oxytocin used to induce birth contractions drastically alters either the receptor density or endogenous levels of oxytocin production postnatally. There is no evidence to back up this claim. The author further states that the use of exogenous oxytocin after WWII created the "first generation to seek a deeper meaning of life through drugs." First, there is no evidence that children born after WWII or babies exposed to exogenous oxytocin are neurologically different than previous generations nor unexposed cohorts. Secondly, in almost every culture and historical period narcotics and/or alcohol were used in and for religious rituals. The desire to seek altered states is nothing new.

In all fairness, the author's unsubstantiated claims may be correct but should be tested. However, making these claims without supporting data seems to be used as a scare tactic used to make readers feel victimized by Western Science/Medicine who then may be compeled to seek "healing" from the author through diksha.

The most questionable aspect of this diatribe is the author's claim that he has tested alterations in neurotransmitters, hormones, and receptors via electromagnetic signature testing. There is no scientific data to support that this technique is viable. There are other, well established, means of testing changes in neurotransmitters and hormones via blood and saliva testing. There are also newer techniques using magnetic resonance spectroscopy, similar to a MRI, to test alterations in neurotransmitters and receptor turn-over.

There is some very good research that has and is being conducted demonstrating that meditation and prayer can have profound effects upon stress hormones and even upon the immune system. However, abuse of scientific data in the hands of a pseudo-scientist or false guru dilutes the power of the authentic research and the fascinating discoveries these studies produce.
She could be talking about any number of gurus and satscams that use so-called "scientific" studies to support their contentions and sell their products. And as any good snake oil salesman knows, there's one born every minute. They may get a bit of peace and joy, and that by itself is a good thing. But the clarity clouding assertions about enlightenment, how it happens and what it results in, is doing more to prevent self-realization than all the drugs and bad hormones this world has ever known, accumulatively.

The Kracki is truly an evil force on the planet at the moment. His platitudes about love, oneness and God energy hide an insidious attempt to destroy a person's ability to come to their own self-realization, and this plays right into his hands. He and his minions like Cooper are getting people hooked on a false, yet seductive idea about enlightenment, one which keeps 'em coming back for more, which is what every crack dealer in the world dreams about.

Friday, February 10, 2006

The "Perfect" Guru

File under: Myths About Masters

Recently gleaned from GuruRatings, one devotee's ice-cream-and-marshmallows imaginings (with just a tiny bit of piss and vinegar thrown in) about the characteristics of a "perfect guru." No, he's not kidding. Now you know exactly why this blog exists:
The Perfect Guru

1. All teachings, recording, books etc are given freely. No copyrights on any materials.

2. No contributions or gifts will be accepted. If any are submitted they will be forwarded to the following. The local Nazi party. The KKK. Or the U.S party that won the recent elections.

3. The perfect guru is celibate and never can have children to take over their mission. A woman guru will her tubes tied, a male guru will have a vasectomy or be castrated.

4. The perfect guru shall never be in a room or auto alone with only one person. I got that one from the Rev. Billy Graham.

5. The perfect guru will always be available 24 hours per day. When s/he is sleeping devotees may touch her/him.

6. The perfect guru shall bless same sex marriages as well has hetero ones.

7. The perfect guru if s/he has an ashram will fund it entirely with stock market or futures money.

8. The perfect guru will take on all the negative karma of her/his initiates.

9. The perfect guru shall have no secret teachings.

10. The perfect guru will accept all those who wish to be her or his sheep.

11. The perfect guru will tell all that s/he is the CHRIST and that the Second coming is here right now.

12. The perfect guru will specify that no religion may be created after departing.

13. The perfect guru will answer all questions that are submitted.

14. The perfect guru shall submit to testing by the scientists.

15. The perfect guru will tell in great detail about their meditation experiences and the Order of the Universe and the creation.

16. The perfect guru will either perform or assist in ABORTIONS if the woman becomes pregnant because of rape or incest or to save the life of the mother.

17. The perfect guru will have humility as demonstrated by her/his proclaiming that s/he is not different or separate from all beings.

18. The perfect guru will never correct anyone's data or opinions only drawing a longer line for explanations.

19. The perfect guru will never let anyone bow down to them or kiss her/his feet.

20. The perfect guru will bow down to all that appear and kiss their feet.

21: The perfect guru will never take anesthetic for dental work or any operation.

22. The perfect guru will take no medicines for any illness even one that is terminal like Cancer

23. The perfect guru will never cry out because of pain.

24. The perfect guru will have a complete understanding of the creation; God and the first cause and be able to communicate it.

25. The perfect guru will have periodic fasts of 40 to 180 days at least once per year. This is a demonstration that s/he is not the body and is able to live with out body sustenance.

26. The perfect guru must have siddhis (powers). Those powers may include healing the sick, curing all mental problems including schizophrenia, levitating, having all the knowledge of the universe available to him or her, wiping out negative karmas for devotees and the ability to transmit Enlightenment with a glance. And if any of the above should occur the perfect guru will deny that they had anything to do with it.

27. When it is time to depart the guru's body will become a rainbow body and return to the Infinite
We feel more than a bit sorry for this guy. He is certainly going to his grave before he meets such a person, and these ridiculous beliefs about self-realization will certainly prevent his ever coming to his own. But at least he's insisting that the "perfect guru" will accept gay marriage. It's one of the few sane things he was able to come up with on an otherwise utterly insane list.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Sri Sri Meets The Babaster, May Have The Bomb Now

File under: The Siddhi of PR and Hands Where They Don't Belong

Yesterday the great Himalaya mountains trembled under the combined weight of two of India's biggest living gurus, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar and Sathya Sai Baba. While not much has been reported about the meeting, we believe the combined force of their shakti must have been a spectacle to behold, for those who imagine such things exist.

But the whole thing kinda looked more like the appearance of one rock star at the concert of another:
Today evening bhajans started at 5.00 pm. At 5.20 pm Pundit Ravi Shankar of the Art of Living fame walked into the VIP enclosure followed by his entourage. Sai Baba walked in at 5.25 pm, held on the railings and gave blessings for 5 mins and sat down. Bhajans continued till 5.50 pm, Swami took aarathi standing up the whole duration, giving blessings and just before he left he gave blessings 6 times with his Abhaya Hastam and some ladies were so touched that they wept.
A VIP section, crying groupies and the dispensation of blessings seem more reminiscent of a U2 concert than the creepy Babaster's daily appearance.

We imagine the gurus having some difficulty keeping their eyeball lightning in check while in each others' presence. Who knows who would have prevailed had the situation deteriorated. But the Babaster had better watch out over the long run. Sri Sri is apparently training the Indian Army in his Art of Living yoga techniques. As much eyeball lightning as Sai Baba may be able to muster aside, it probably can't compete with the AK-47s and light artillery the Army possesses, not to mention their nuclear capacity.

It certainly gives Sri Sri the one up on every other guru in India. It's a situation we will continue to monitor. As we love to say... developing.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Bless My Baby One More Time

File under: Gurus to the Stars

It's being reported all over the internets that Britney Spears may have found a new guru. Samundrala Krishna Ma Charyulu has opened up to the entertainment news media about Britney's recent visit to the Malibu Hindu temple where he is employed as a priest.

Britney brought her baby to be blessed there last week. While Samundrala claimed to not know who she was at the time, he's no doubt thrilled about it now. Perhaps already seeing his name in lights and dollars in his wallet, it also might help him to solidify his position at the temple, one that was threatened by a power struggle between him and the temple's board of directors back in the 90s.

Poor Britney appears to be grasping at anything she can reach to bring some semblance of meaning to her screwed up life. While we don't blame her for trying to bring order to the present disaster called her career, sucking up to power-hungry Hindu priests is probably not the best course of action at this point.

We feel she'd be much better off at a 10-day Vipassana retreat, sans any star-struck gurus whispering worthless "wisdom" for a chance to appear on Access Hollywood. The first demon she's got to face is herself. Only then will she be able to throw off that leech known as her husband and pull her life back into alignment with the Mahashakti's ongoing escapade known as modern pop culture.