Love Guru To Bruise Hindus

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Falling right into their hands like little kids playing marbles with the big kids, overly-sensitive Hindu leaders are providing millions of dollars worth of promotion for the Paramount Studios summer blockbuster, Mike Myer's The Love Guru:

"If the trailer is an indicator of the content of the movie...then we feel that this movie is most likely to hurt the sentiments of seekers from various spiritual paths...it will hurt the religious sentiments of the millions of Hindus worldwide, who hold the 'Guru-disciple' relationship as sacred...we are supporting Rajan Zed's protest against the denigration...", Shinde stressed in this communiqué and added, "Poking fun is one thing, but if it creates a sense of belittling other's faith, then it is wrong."

And every "communiqué" like this will just drop more money into the producers' bank account. Like it or not, The Love Guru is coming soon to a theatre near you. We predict a huge increase in interest in the Hindu faith after this, and of gurus in particular. Some of the big-time satsangs may even see a Love Guru effect in increased attendance, and all despite the efforts of a bunch of kill-joys who have been riding on the waaaaaaaaaaahmbulance over it the last few months.

The Love Guru To Put Hindus' Panties Into Wad

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Austin Powers movie series actor Mike Myers has a summer release called The Love Guru coming soon to a theater near you, unless your town is full of fundie Hindus:

The Universal Society of Hinduism has expressed fear that the upcoming Hollywood movie The Love Guru may lampoon the religion and has demanded that it be shown to the society members for vetting before release.

President of the society Rajan Zed, who is based in Reno, Nevada, said in a statement issued in Chandigarh that from the information available about the movie, it appears to be lampooning Hinduism and Hindus and uses Hindu terms frivolously.

You just know those USH folks have the sense of humor of a road-kill skunk, so get ready for some fundie freaking-out along with your silly spoofy summer entertainments, with that freaking-out likely to only increase interest and attendance in the film. It might turn out that the USH protest may be the best thing to happen to The Love Guru, promotion-wise.

Love Guru Haterade Shines Light On Hindu Right

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Aside from the fact they are doing the work of ten ad agencies, the Hindu outcry against the release of The Love Guru is also bringing a light to bear on India's shameful secret, its racist/supremacist Hindu right:

These groups don't just campaign against what they see as sacrilegious portraits of Hindu culture in the Western media. They also actively organize and celebrate book burnings, crusades against inter-faith marriage, riots and vandalism over what they regard as impious artistic representations, and constantly work to inflame Muslim-Hindu relations in India.

Say hi to Amma's children in India.

The hysteria reaches a fevered-pitch with this hilarious doctrine about the sins about to be incurred by millions all over the world:

Act	Demerit	Means
Making the movie, ‘The Love Guru’	30 units	2nd region of Hell for 1000 years
Watching it for entertainment without knowing the spiritual science/significance	2 units	Nether region (Bhuvaloka) for 100 yrs
Watching it for entertainment even after knowing the spiritual science/significance	5 units	1st region of Hell for 100 yrs
Being a seeker of God/on the spiritual path, knowing about the Movie, but doing nothing to stop it	5 units	1st region of Hell for 100 yrs

These comedic karmic calculations aside, a Love Guru bump is coming to Hinduism and Vedic-based spirituality in the West. We're looking forward to the improvements it's sure to bring.

Deepockets Hearts Love Guru

File under: The Siddhi of PR

It may have something to do with the fact he makes a cameo in the film, but Deepockets Chopra came out today as a Love Guru lover:

"The premature outcry against the movie is itself religious propaganda," Chopra writes, noting that the protesters based their views on the film's 2 1/2-minute trailer. "As viewers will find out when the movie is released this summer, no one is more thoroughly skewered in it than I am — you could even say that I am made to seem preposterous."

It sounds like Love Guru creator Mike Myers has been shooting fish in a barrel. But if you asked us, he shot the wrong fish. He should really be aiming at the humorless self-promoters making their bones on the back of his film, like that incessantly whining Love Guru-hater, Rajan Zed. If anyone needs a good lampooning, it's that loser.

Backlash Against The Love Guru Backlash

File under: The Siddhi of PR

A Hindu reform group in the U.S. has come out against the recent fundamentalist Hindu clamor about The Love Guru:

Navya Shastra, the organisation based in Troy, Michigan, which earlier spoke out against astrology, female foeticide and Dalit discrimination, has argued that hyper-sensitivity over inaccurate or distorted religious depictions in mass media erodes the tradition of tolerance of criticism in the Hindu faith.

"Hindus have a remarkable history of freedom of thought and expression. Unfortunately, this is being eroded these days by hypersensitive and misguided chauvinistic pressure groups, perhaps taking their cue from more chauvinistic traditions..."

Can you say "Hinduvta?"

We applaud the Navya Shastra for keeping it real among the histrionic defenders of a blinkered version of their own faith. The Love Guru promises to accomplish what we shoot for each time we post here, which is to inject a bit of fun in the overly serious business of being a guru or guru's devotee.

The Love Guru Effect On Guru News

File under: The Siddhi of PR

We told you about this bad swami getting nabbed in Kerala a few weeks ago:

Madhavan [Swami Amritachaitanya] was arrested by Interpol police after multiple under-age girls complained to law enforcement with allegations of rape and sexual abuse. According to Press Trust of India, police in India received complaints from three under-age girls alleging he had raped them. The Times reported that Madhavan is accused of making pornographic movies with under-age girls, sexual assault, rape, fraud, and possession of narcotics. After police raided Madhavan’s four-story mansion in India they discovered drugs, a police uniform, a pelt from an endangered tiger and pornographic DVDs. Gulf Daily News reported that Madhavan was arrested in Kerala in conjunction with an Interpol “red alert”, which was issued after consultation with Dubai police in 2004.

What does any of this have to do with The Love Guru? The article's headline:

Indian ‘love guru’ faces charges of fraud, drugs and rape

Obviously, this sort of thing really isn't rocket science.

Seeing The Truth Beyond The Saint

FIle under: Real True Gurus

Gleaned from a mentor's website:

Surat is craving for the gift of love for the Holy Feet of Guru. Full of enthusiasm, she comes before Guru and is delighted on having His darshan. She is pleased on hearing His discourses. She breaks off all ties with the worldly people.

So once again does the tragic separation of the "worldly" and the "sacred" commence. Surat does not see that all "craving" is of the same fabric, that her desire for what "Guru" proffers is no different than her earlier wanting for a sari of a different color or finer cloth.

Worldly activities do not interest and please her any longer; she has kicked off all karams and dharmas (the so-called religious deeds and duties). She loves Guru as a child loves his mother. Now she does not feel restful and easy without darshan; she does not feel interest in any other thing.

Surat has left her parents and siblings in tears and confusion, she has abandoned the friends of her youth and the hope of husband and family. All other ties sundered, she is free to pursue and indulge her deep attachment to darshan and her dependence on Guru.

She daily performs Abhyas and Dhyan (contemplation); she has enshrined Guru's form in her heart. Every moment she sees Him within. She feels delighted on seeing His countenance.

Surat feels nothing whatsoever other than delight, the plight of the destitute and diseased touches her not, nor do the pleas of her family, which arrive weekly and are not read, she sees only the image of Guru's continence.

She enjoys Anhad Dhun within. The current of ami (nectar) is dripping from Sunn.

Surat spends whatever waking hours are granted her daydreaming elaborately of fictions described in Guru's discourses, she performs arduous labor in Guru's service in order to keep Him nourished with carefully prepared meals and fresh fruits and to assure the comfort and cleanliness of his abode. For a very brief lucid moment she remembers her father's kindness to her and her sisters in the face of the taunting of her brothers and their friends. She pushes the distraction aside with a thankful prayer to Guru and is rewarded with the enjoyment of several particularly attractive fictions.

The mind and Surat rise to higher planes and hear Shabd stage by stage. She witnesses wonderful spectacles within and sings the praises of Guru with ardour and zeal.

Guru never notices her devotion, he is thinking of his own beloved Guru, and how of the many yearning devotees that clung to Him for decades only he, the cleverest and most patient, has attained equivalent status and the allegiance of many respected and moneyed families. He takes an orange from the hand of a young woman and does not look beyond that hand, the nearby face is that of Surat but Guru remains lost in his thoughts and the sweetness of the proffered fruit.

Beloved Radhasoami Guru has showered His grace and mercy on Surat; she merges in His Holy Feet with love."

In the midst of this final, ecstatic reverie, Surat notices the appearance of Guru's Holy Feet. Though recently pedicured, they are ill-formed as well as pasty-white and soft from a sheltered existence where walking is seldom required. She looks up at Guru's contentence with tear-dimmed eyes and sees an inattentive old man with juice dribbling down his chin and onto his clothing. In that moment she is Enlightened and thanks Guru for the last time.

The Bored Guru's Tips Of The Trade

File under: Real True Gurus and The Siddhi of PR

We always love us some Bored Guru. His latest story is about another devotee's silly beliefs—this time it's enlightenment radar in dogs—but what caught our eye was this helpful tip for burgeoning big-time gurus at the end of the article:

Do you want to show the world that you are potentially a universal guru?

Take as many pictures possible with you posing along with cows, dogs and birds and post it on your home page of the website. Let the world know how much the animals love you for your enlightened state of living.

In the interest of empowering any burgeoning of the inner guru, we bring you all 12 (so far) of the Bored Guru's tips:

1. Allow the disciple to prattle whatever he/she wants. Listen to it with a smile and admiration on the face.

2. Sharpen your skills in the area of human psychology and brand it as 'divine power' every time you get a chance.

3. Every time a female seeker expressed her stupid love or passion for you, you will say YES. Tell her also that in the past life she could not express her love to you and now you have taken that special birth to fulfill that (without batting the eye lid).

4. Don't deny any healing powers attributed to you, accept it gracefully. Tell that it requires total surrender for total healing, so that even if the healing did not happen, you can blame it on the same person that his surrender is not complete.

5. Smile 'compassionately' and also brush aside 'gently' any aura stories weaved around you. You can also make references to your aura as to how only evolved people can see your aura and the rest may see it soon as they all are evolving.

6. Drop a word casually about how some ancient gurus are coming in your dreams and blessing you to do the same with others as a divine mission.

7. Always smile meaningfully; use often expressions like "I know, my child" if any miracles attributed to you, just shrug your shoulders and chuckle.

8. Tell people, how guru's grace can bring luck in one's life, without batting your eye lid.

9. Design your robes carefully. They should be long and flowing and even as you go to bed, make sure you are robed well. If you try out a turban and wooden sandals, you may attract lot more attention, especially at airports.

10. Project yourself as a ghost-buster with divine powers. Make sure you've learnt some ghost related mantras and shout them loudly, as you smoke out somebody's house.

11. Divide people as insider and outsider. Tell how blessed are the insiders and how unfortunate the outsider for remaining still in the outside.

12. Take as many pictures possible with you posing along with cows, dogs and birds and post it on your home page of the website. Let the world know how much the animals love you for your enlightened state of living

A billion new Sri Sri's can spring forth from these wise aphorisms, now gathered up here for your and our great enjoyment... and sad reflection on the state of ignorance that is perpetuated by big-time gurus every day.

Whiny Hindus To Get Love Guru Preview

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Paramount Pictures is apparently seeking to appease a whiny Hindu organization (in Reno, Nevada, of all places) and has agreed to screen the The Love Guru, Mike Myers' upcoming summer blockbuster:

Prominent Indo-American leader Rajan Zed, who spearheaded this issue, says that guru is a highly revered spiritual teacher, master and preceptor in Hinduism who helps remove the ignorance of the seeker.

Actually, we quite agree with this. That's what a guru should be. But then, there are a lot of should bes that aren't in the world, including the quaint little picture presented above. We're not saying there aren't gurus like this. In truth, there are plenty of them. But most big-time gurus, the type we address here, are not in this class. At best, they are misguided and naive. They certainly all have a public face and a private face. It is the darkness of the private face that determines how nasty they are, although a sincere yet naive guru can do a lot of damage as well.

We doubt Paramount will actually change the film for these cry-babies. They may cut a few seconds here and there, but this movie is probably substantially complete, and we doubt Myers or the studio will fold over the issues these people are likely to raise.

And who knows? It might be that Paramount wants to make these folks upset. After all, they've already given the film a good deal of pre-publicity. Movie companies pay millions for that sort of thing, and here these uppity folks are all set to keep handing it to them for free.

The Blogs Respond To PrakashakaBoomBoom

File under: Gurus Doin' Time and Hands Where They Don't Belong

A couple of readers tip us off to some blog reactions to "love guru" Swami PrakashakaBoomBoom's (Prakashanand Saraswati) recent arrest for child molestation:

And these words from Swami’s website may help put the charges against him in some context: “…in the The warmth of Shree Swamiji’s love melts the hearts of those who listen to him and drawing close to him opens the path to God…” The Swami, however will probably be in trouble if the Hays county authorities in Texas are able to prove that Swamiji’s love melted a couple of underage hearts that he managed to draw close to him.

We doubt those hearts were "melted." They were probably more or less blasted to pieces by an old man's lust.

Another blogger offers up the experience of a friend who was molested by PrakashakaBoomBoom's guru, Kripalu Maharaj, or just plain old Kreepalu to us:

Seems that the sexual rot is infesting Kripalu's whole organisation, now that a 79-year-old codger is at it too. This is what happens when you spend all day meditating on the sexual lilas of Radha and Krishna while being celibate, you need to have an outlet somehow.

The friend who was molested by Kripalu also told me how his followers explained ("rationalised") it away as an instance of divine love. The same thing occurs in other Hindu cults as well. Disgusting and sickening.

Indeed. This summer is sure to be the season of the Love Guru in many more ways than a mere movie release.

Flip-Flopping For Nithyananda

File under: Real True Gurus

Our friend Antarananda has put up with a good deal of crap from us. But rather than taking offense, he comes back with exactly why he's sticking with his guru... and to be perfectly honest, we don't blame him one bit. Here's the latest evidence that Swami Nithyananda may be a bit better than your average human divinity:

The idea of Guru and disciple is only a psychodrama. There is no specialty about the Guru nor is there anything less in the disciple. The fellow who understands he is playing a drama becomes God. Those who don't understand are stuck in one role or the other. Just because someone is a disciple, it is not that he cannot grow spiritually more than the Guru and that the Guru is always spiritually more qualified than the disciple. If the Guru is stuck in his role, he will be lower than the disciple who has not understood that he is playing a psychodrama. I have understood that I am playing a drama and so I am God. You have not understood that you are playing a drama and so you are not God.

All of us come from the same dimension. We are therefore the same. When we are born, our mind acts as a barrier in knowing what our source is; it fragments us between who we are and what our origin is. We are here for a purpose and get attached to that purpose, while forgetting what we are. The actor becomes the character and forgets who he really is. That is the psycho drama. The disciple can be the Guru if he realizes that he can be the Guru. The Master realizes that and is therefore the Master. The Master can therefore become a perfect disciple as well. The opaque glass that fragments us is Maya, and ego, ahankara. Our mental attitudes, vasana and samskara are what make us who we are, the characters we play in the drama.

So long as we are in touch with the original memory of who we are, we are above the attachment in this drama. We are clear we are playing a role and can drop that role. We are then man, god and Guru all rolled into one.

The only block to our awareness is this illusion, Maya. We are not aware we are playing a role in a drama. We are not in control.

Q) 'You spoke about psycho drama…'

A) 'All miracles that happen around me are because you expect them to happen. If I am really a Master every one should always feel I am a Master; that's not so. When I am traveling overseas, especially in the USA, the immigration officials treat me like a form of low life, not a Master at all. To them, I am no one special.

Your expectations are fulfilled through me, because you feel I am your Master. There is no Master, no disciple. It's all pure energy. One who understands that all this is drama is God. Otherwise you are trapped as a Guru or disciple; as disciple you are only cheating yourself; as a Guru, you are cheating others. You are committing murder; and are socially and politically dangerous.

He who wants to fulfill ego becomes a Guru. If you want to postpone enlightenment, you become a seeker, a disciple. A real seeker straight away sees this drama and is awakened.'

Q) 'How?'

A) 'You break away by understanding. If you ask how, you declare yourself to be a fool. You don't have to accept yourself as a fool. Just accept yourself. Awaken.

Only when you understand that it's all a psychodrama will you have respect for me, real love for me, gratitude towards me; till then it is hypocrisy. I do not believe any one who respects me without any benefit. I am frightened of such people. I do not believe people who believe me right away. I would rather they do not believe me By believing me no one is doing me a favor. They just want me to be responsible. They call me god; after a few days they will dethrone me.

Only when you understand this drama will you be liberated and have Guru Bhakti (the Divine Master-disciple relationship); all other belief that I am superior to you is nonsense. It's your projection; you are creating that drama. You and I are one and the same.

I have all the problems that you have; whatever makes you feel unenlightened; your greed, lust, fear, anger, pain etc. I have ALL in capital letters. The only difference is that I have accepted all of them. You have not. I do not think they are problems. I am not bothered. In cases where I have not accepted, I have accepted that I cannot accept. Liberate yourself from the Guru; only then Guru bhakti can happen.

This is exactly what we'd like to see all gurus do, deconstruct their own mystique as it condenses in the minds of their devotees, as it happens. If he could only lose the "presence" shtick as well.

He may be "that guy who looks like a prop at a convention in Vegas," according to one commenter, but regardless of his somewhat cliché fashion preferences, we sincerely hope he's one space-daddy who will finally break people of their space-daddy habits.

Satsang With Ammachi—Part II, Mommy Speaks

File under: Satsang Reports and Amma All-Over-The-Planet

When Amma begins to speak, it’s in her native tongue. She goes on for about 10 minutes. We watch as people who don’t understand a single thing she is saying listen in rapture. When she stops, an Indian swami picks up with a “translation.” This goes for 3 rounds, Amma occasionally interrupting her swami with a clarification.

It starts out very psychological. The number one cause of our problems? Stress and tension. 80% of all disease is caused by tension. Tension is what makes you miserable. The solution? Unburden yourself in Amma.

This is brilliant psych ops and the primary reason people get something from an Amma hug. They believe they’ll get something, so they get something. It’s just like Benny Hinn. This isn’t to say there isn’t something good that comes out of a cathartic release of pain and sorrow. But it’s not by way of Amma’s magic shakti, it’s by way of the expectations of the devotee, conveniently set up by the swami just a moment ago. The "magic" is all in the suggestion.

What follows is essentially Hinduism Lite. Meditation will reduce your tension, but you need to make an effort to be successful. In other words, keep coming to us for instruction. He throws in an all-is-God’s-will and explains that grace completes effort, and that humility brings grace. Humility to the guru, of course.

Amma speaks a second time. The swami continues with a light critique of the modern world. Science is incomplete. We need spirituality in the world. Mental illness is caused by the lack of spirituality, neuro-psychology be damned.

He throws in a few digs at the world being the source of distraction from spirituality, and then the hard guru sell commences. It’s no different than any other hard guru sell we’ve heard. You can’t do it without the grace of a guru. The perfect master is necessary. The sat guru is like a booster rocket, etc.

The swami then insists that a true master makes us childlike, and that we must become children to come to spiritual understanding. Her children… We brace for the blast of astral breast milk we expect to pummel us any moment, but it doesn’t come! Kali has cut her off. We have saved North America from the loss of all adult maturity! Cool.

Amma speaks again. The swami rolls with a variation of the mind-body-spirit thing. This time it’s head, heart and hand. He continues by speaking about heart-to-heart communication. Thus begins the hippie portion of tonight’s talk. It’s all about love! People complain about their lives. What’s the problem? Not enough love. Got emotional problems? You can cure it with love! And guess what? Amma is love!

And then he says it. We didn’t get to write it down verbatim because we were utterly flabbergasted to hear it out loud. Amma’s love is just like milk! They’re completely out in the open with the conspiracy! The Ammabots just beam back at them, entirely oblivious to the machinations of their leaders!

A harmonium fires up, signaling the end of the talk. As we pull ourselves together after this jaw-dropping display of mind control prowess, we realize that Amma has omitted a huge portion of basic Indian religious hyperbole, that of the necessity of renunciation and asceticism on the spiritual path. This makes excellent marketing sense. We’re sure it comes a few lessons in if you decide to pursue your path at their center. But it’s way too off putting to tell first timers that they have to stop having sex if they aren’t married, and if they are, that they should only fuck for procreative purposes.

Next: Amma sings.

Gp Vs. Sri Sri: Head To Head

File under: Satscams and The Siddhi of PR

Look at what appeared in the comments this morning:

In a satsang at the Art of Living centre in Germany last night, someone asked Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: “Guruji, I have observed that Guruphiliac seems to follow your every move and then writes negative things about you. Why are they doing this?”

This is the gist of what Guruji said:

Sri Sri, of course, doesn't have a clue about anything other than burnishing his own image. Observe:

I have inherited an ancient lineage and my job is to further its cause. Neither by thought, nor through word, nor by deed, have I ever done any harm to anyone, nor will I ever do so in the future; it is simply not in my nature. Nobody can expose me because there is nothing to expose: I stand tall, clean and naked in front of the whole world.

Sri Sri has appropriated a lineage as a platform upon which he writes his story of self-glorification, its cause perverted to provide a means by which fame and fortune are achieved. Ex-devotees who were close to Sri Sri agree, he is a vain facsimile of a guru, hypocritical when dealing with politicians (see Narendra Modi) and ambitious for personal fame at the expense of those who are giving him money for "good works."

I do whatever maximum good I can, and I inspire others to do so. These people who keep writing about me simply cannot leave me alone - they must be in deep love with me! (laughter)

Even hiding behind his facade as the world-saving guru, an unremitting narcissism still shines through. He can only see the world as a reflection of his own glories as an object to be loved. There's a term for that: narcissistic personality disorder.

When they keep comparing me with other people all the time, I must have made a very deep impression on them. I cannot help it if they can’t get over me - that’s the way I am! If I am that bad and fake, they should simply be able to ignore me and move onto the truth - but why are they are holding onto me, again and again?

Me-I-I-me-I-I-me-me: the self-reflective code of a narcissist. The hypocrisy built-in to Sri Sri's gurudom demands constant recognition. He hides behind the white robe and smirk and preaches "love" as a seemingly unassailable defense against criticism as he flies first class and stays in 5-star hotels when he comes to take your money.

If they are trying to teach me a lesson, if their intention is to correct me, then I’m sorry, I am incorrigible! (laughter)

We aren't trying to teach Sri Sri anything. We're just making sure folks understand that he is no true guru.

If their idea is to stop people from coming to me, and if people do stop just by reading these blogs, then I really thank them; it is good for me, it reduces my responsibility!

Petty bravado from a man who knows his machine will take in 20 more people for every one we might influence.

If they think I am doing this for publicity, they are unaware of the disadvantages of popularity. I pity them.

A very well-put suggestion that Sri Sri is suffering for us all by being famous. Has ever a more insincere statement been made by a person who calls himself guru?

Celebrities enjoy only popularity, but spiritual leaders have a huge responsibility with that popularity. People do not go to celebrities for guidance and blessings, but with spiritual leaders they do.

God help those who go to Sri Sri for his guidance and empty blessings.

First class flying, five-star staying, and his adoring millions; that's why we believe Sri Sri has become a guru.

If they think I have no right to exist on this planet, then they can crucify me; I am afraid neither of death nor of being defamed.

Sri Sri has every right to exist, and we have every right to call him a self-aggrandizing nincompoop. His pouring a few gallons of Kool-Aid down the throats of dupes in Germany in his own defense only speaks to a need to protect his image, another hallmark of narcissism.

I am not afraid, because nothing can destroy me.

He means, "I have nothing to fear. I am insulated by the thousands of people I've fooled into believing I'm God."

We do charity with the hard earned money from our courses. We are, of course, rich with people and with good character, and I am ready to share this wealth with anyone.

Open the books for auditing by an independent accounting firm so we can see just exactly how this wealth is shared.

Lest these people understand their hatred is nothing but love standing upside down.

Note the deft characterization of our criticism as "hatred." A timeless technique which insulates Sri Sri from having to answer any criticism whatsoever. It's not love standing on its head, Sri Sri. It's love coming to strip you of all the vainglory with which you've wound yourself so tightly. You can speak to a crowd of your own hapless dupes, but you'd run from an audience of those who've left their comments on this blog. That's a love you just aren't built to deal with.

A "Love Guru" Gets Off

File under: Hands Where They Don't Belong and The Siddhi of PR

During the whole Love Guru bombardment of last spring, a little known prosperity guru (read: potential flimflammer) was arrested on charges of sexually assaulting two women:

Bijan Anjomi, 64, was arrested Tuesday and made his first court appearance Wednesday on three counts of sexual assault based on complaints by two unidentified women, the Toronto Star reported Thursday.

Well, late last week, he finally got off with them:

A judge withdrew three sexual assault charges against former Mr. Universe Bijan Anjomi, 64, of Las Vegas, earlier this week. Anjomi was arrested in May after two women said he molested them.

And so Bijan saves himself with his space-daddy powers:

Police said yesterday that while the charges were withdrawn, there is a peace bond between Anjomi and the two women.

Hello! Sounds like some of that prosperity has been getting spread around a little bit. There's nothing better to cement the bond between a space-daddy and a twinkly-eyed young-thing more than showing her money chakra green.

We wonder which love object of Bijanji's posted this PR disaster in the making at Whirled Musings:

Bijan is beyond your belief system and he is human but he is also transparent. [Ed.note: !] He and his wife do not hide their life and sincerely wish peace to all, including you, me, all the blog readers and the women who made the false accusations.

Because we are all One....this includes you, me, Bijan ........and all the other people who have committed sexual offenses or false accusations.......this is part of all of us and we are healing from this all together.

To perhaps aid in Bijanji's healing, we extend the Sri Me Nondual Alibi Achievement Award, hereby created and given to those who use a meaningless interpretation of nondual truth in an attempt to skate themselves out of a tough spot. The award is created in honor of Sri Sri Ravi Shankar's glorious tour de force at an Indian business conference in 2005:

When asked about his views of Narendra Modi, the chief minister of the Indian state of Gujarat, home to violent anti-Muslim riots which Modi implicitly supported, and who was recently denied a visa to enter the US for his involvement in those riots; Sri Sri replied, "I don't comment on individuals because individuals are just part of one wholeness."

We sincerely hope you all recall that he commented on the passing of Pope John Paul II a few short weeks later.

British Film Institute Vs. Love Guru Haters

File under: The Siddhi of PR


The British Film Institute gets squeezed between somewhat rancorous Hindus trying to protect their idea of "guru" from what they claim would be a defilement by Mike Myer's The Love Guru, whose producers are loving the fact the clamor is saving them millions in promotional expenses.

We going to take a stab at decoding this and speculate that the LG haters called the BFI and were assured there would be no screenings of the film sponsored by the Institute. The haters spun this to suggest that the BFI was ideologically-aligned with their cause. The BFI responds to deny any alignment with the fundies, as the Institute doesn't do major summer motion picture releases in any case. But the big info churn that is the internets keeps regurgitating the older, pro-hater article right next to its correction, over and over again.

Sri Sri's PR Machine: Pimping & Recruiting

An example of AoL flackery employed as hard news, this time at allAfrica.com (including a few interpolations by us):

Indian spiritual guru Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, who arrived in the country yesterday, seems to have the answer to many questions on life and the concept of inner peace.

All answers are available for sale at your nearest AoL center.

He is the founder of the Art of Living Foundation, which is said to be the world's largest NGO, with representation in 156 countries.

Matched only in size by our guru's lust for fame.

"What you cannot win with a stick, you can win with love," he told the Sunday Nation. "What you cannot win with guns, you can win through love."

And what you can't win through love can be bought at an AoL center near you.

"The most powerful thing in the world is love - for we can win the hearts of people through love."

My love of name and fame is all that is behind these ridiculously simplistic platitudes.

"This is exactly why the Art of Living courses are important to every individual, regardless of their background or religious affiliation," a devotee, Begun Rishi Nityapragya, told the Sunday Nation before the guru's arrival.

Everyone is a potential mark to us.

"(Ours) is not a religion or a cult."

Ours is a multinational business operating under cover of NGO status.

"In fact, if you are a Christian, it makes you an even better Christian; and if you are a Muslim, you become a more devout Muslim."

Poorer, too.

In a flowing robe, long hair and a flowing beard and with disarming warmth and an almost permanent smile, Rishi had a lot of praise for the Art of Living courses.

Watch me play God as I sell you my snake oil.

We tip our turban to the AoL flacks, who seem to be quite adept at planting their fictions in the news as the news. We see a bright future for all of them as government bullshitters spinmeisters one day.

Sri Smile Coming Back To Dazzle Up Some Cash

File under: The Siddhi of PR

Up and coming space-daddy Swami Vishwananada is heading Stateside again in that staple ritual of the big-time guru: the eternal quest for cold, hard American cash. But the Yogananda-incarnation impersonator still has to work on his media manipulation siddhi, issuing a mere wire-service press release rather than conning some journalist into providing an article conveying that magical combination of humanity and mysterious power that losersdevotees all over the world believe their gurus to possess.

Upon attending a local satsang last year, we came away feeling maybe the dude wasn't so bad. And after reading his bio page on the website, at least they're keeping the mythical Godman-making to a minimum, unlike Vishwananda's primary competitor right now, Swawi Nithyananda.

But they sure haven't given up on the fund-raising. Get a load of this transparent pitch:

Sri Swami Vishwananda comes to remind us of love and His message is simple, “God is Love inside each one of us.” When we receive His blessing, it is in the form of love. He tells us “that the only traveling we need to do is from the mind to the heart” and “that in the silence, we can find our true Selves.” And He reminds us that just as we have been given this love freely, we should share and spread this love and joy unconditionally with everyone.

He's talking about green love, folks, for in the next paragraph we read:

By supporting The Bhakti Maraga Foundation you can make it possible for many more people to realize this love in their own lives. It is one of many ways to express our gratitude and of giving back some of what we have received.

Sadly, we don't see much of a future for Swami Vishwananda if he doesn't step up the miracle-mongering. Folks can get the same, lame platitudes about love and oneness from just about any yoga teacher on the block. People in the States go to gurus for the spectacular divine fireworks they imagine they're gonna get. Nithyananda has got miracles coming out of his ass right now, and famous followers to boot.

So Vishy better step up and start being as ridiculous as the rest of them if he's to get any real traction over here.

Shoeless Guru Shows How It's Done

File under: Real True Gurus

In this world of bigtime gurus spinning out satsang circuses full of thick clouds of occluding ideology about self-realization, we are always very heartened when we discover the real thing. It is a great honor and privilege to bring your attention to a true guru.

Guru Gulshan Singh, or Guru Ji, is eschewing shoes in solidarity with the homeless at the command of our Mother Kali. Guru Ji is a householder with a wife and kids, and most importantly, with no pedestal being built under him by devotees who are blinded by their desire for the "guru's" love and ultimately, their own self-acceptance.

We applaud and commend Sri Guru Ji for showing us that a true guru is always going to be a normal person, even when they go to extraordinary lengths to insure the comfort of their fellow man.

Another "Lord Of The Universe" Jackoff

File under: Gurubusting, The Siddhi of PR and Wackadoo Gurus

Another day, another nutbag self-declares his supremacy over all of reality. Meet Sat Guru Maharajji, an avatard based in Nigeria making a big stink over himself:

LEADER of One Love Family, Ibadan, Oyo State Sat Guru Maharajji has called on Nigerians to jettison various religions and religious teachings that tend to project one race as superior to the other.

The self-acclaimed Lord of the universe stated this recently in Ibadan during a press briefing to mark the 20th anniversary of the Sat Guru Maharajji village and its importance to the world.

Sat Guru Maharajji, who described Ibadan, the location of the Sat Guru Maharajji village as the highest spiritual centre of the Universe added that it has placed Nigeria as the new destination for the new world.

He said "Here is where you meet the Lord of the universe Sat Guru Maharajji face to face physically, and have 13 years added to your life span, plus the highest gift of life (divine knowledge), the key or panacea to all human problems free of charge."

Of course, he pumps his own place up at the expense of all others:

Enjoining Nigerians not to travel to other parts of the world in fulfillment of religious obligations, Sat Guru maintained that such places outside Nigeria were products of years of manipulation. "There is absolutely no need to travel to any so called holy lands in the middle East, Europe, USA, far East etc because they are hybrid plastic monuments faked up through the ages by our oyibo brothers to create division between the human race, through scandalising the blacks," he said.

Nice little racist touch there, Maharaj!

Apparently, empty promises and the ability to lie right through your teeth is all that is required of Lords of the Universe these days. Too bad the line of these losers is like a mile long at this point.

Tehelka Gives 'Em Hell

File under: Amma All-Over-The-Planet, Gurus Clockin' Dollars and The Siddhi of PR

Being stuck in the States, we've a bit of a distant outlook on the guru scene in India. Our main viewing portal is Google News and the occasional bit of luck in the way of a reader-supplied tip. Yet much of the time, what we come across in the Indian press is unusable as it's just fawning about traditional ideas of gurudom.

So we were very pleased to discover Tehelka, a sort of alternative press paper in India known for hard-hitting investigations and that slightly anti-corporate tone you find in the alt weeklies here in the States. In their sights this week are some of those occlusion-spewing, self-aggrandizing and money-grubbing fauxvatars that you know we just love to complain about in this blog.

Having already examined the finances of a number of these so-called divine beings, today Tehelka goes after Big Mamma specifically. The article opens with an excellent treatise as to how a guru gets to the big-time in India (and the rest of the world):

RELIGION MAKES lots of money because of the universal belief that you earn merit by giving. The best of faith-founders have stressed compassion; so has humanism. For the modern individual, directly helping the needy is a messy business because you are forced to get involved. Presenting money or goods to a place of worship or to a godman/woman solves the issue neatly. Hinduism has a special place for the parityagi — he who renounces all. The way things turned out, it is the so-called parityagi who ends up making all the money! What fun!

Usual places of worship do not do so well in money-catching because they have no special charisma; or they must build up the god as a miracle-maker through competitive marketing. Big money flows only towards the talented individual who can create popular spiritual appeal and surround him/herself with a group of committed disciples.

Disciples are the key. By him/herself the godman/woman is like a nuclear reactor waiting to go critical. It is the disciples who trigger the money-machine and the supporting media blast. They have more at stake than the guru. Almost none of them is guru-material. They control immense wealth and power because of the guru’s talent. And when the guru is dead, a statue with an offerings-box can do pretty well too.

So true! And there is not one iota of difference between the living guru and the statue which symbolizes her/him. They are both symbols of the devotee's inner hope, the real source of any "miracles" that are perceived (or much more likely, misperceived,) to occur.

But author Paul Zacharia has a bigger fisherwomen to fry:

Mata Amritanandamayi Devi née Ms Radhamani fits Malayali decadence to a T. She is reckoned to be one of the country’s richest gurus. She is a handmaiden of the Sangh Parivar, especially the VHP, with its global fund-flows. The hug is her USP. Her media managers and fund-managers are the real miracle-workers, considering what they have made out of a simple woman with a knack for popular religious enactment and the energy to hug all and sundry...

Amritanandamayi has invested well too. She has an expensive TV channel which is a great conduit. All the millions invested into medical/engineering and other professional institutions go under the head of charity. But the same charity also demands capitation fees of about Rs 30 to 40 lakh for a seat in the professional institutions. Some millions were spent on building homes for the tsunami-hit. That was a God-sent credibility exercise because it looked almost like charity. It was the best mask Amritanandamayi’s millions have yet worn. It increased her money-gathering power a hundred times. As we know, what all godmen/ women don’t like is auditing and accountability. But then, can you audit God?

We take the dust of Paul's feet and tip the turban to Telhelka, our new bff and now high in the bookmarks for our daily Indian edification.